


Mastermind

by xTimexTurnerx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Eventual Smut, F/M, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Humor, Love Triangles, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Pre-Canon, Romance, Secret Relationship, canon if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-04-27 03:08:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 51,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14416371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xTimexTurnerx/pseuds/xTimexTurnerx
Summary: Sirius Black POV- Lily/ SiriusEveryone thinks of them as "the golden couple." That Lily and James had this whirlwind romance rooted in adorable banter for years. What if I told you nothing was how it seemed? What if I told you I knew Lily Potter better than anyone on this planet, and their union was all by my design?But who would listen to a disgraced Black, anyway.





	1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Here I am, sitting in a gorgeous church, in a hot stuffy muggle tux, watching my best mate and soul mate get married to each other. 

I need to stare at something _besides_ her. 

I take the Bible next to me, and a piece of loose leaf flutters out. _‘The Ten Commandments,’_ it reads in very serious looking writing. I start reading them, to gauge how incorrigible I am on the muggle scale of sin.

_ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'_

Well, there’s one I haven’t broken, excellent. But then I realize that "having a god before God" meant I was putting something else above Him, and I did that with her. I did that with her every day. I put Lily Potter and her happiness above everything and every one. 

Shit. 

_TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'_

If it came between worshipping God and worshipping a picture of Lily, Lily would win. Hands down. 

_THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'_

Okay, really, who doesn’t swear? I felt slightly better about myself that nearly all the constituents in this room must also be guilty of breaking this holy law.

_FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'_

Bullocks. I am not sitting at home, doing nothing on a Sunday morning. Usually James works Saturday nights, so I get to wake up and have her in my arms... _Stop it,_ I chide myself. _You’re the fucking best man, for Merlin’s sake._

_FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'_

I’m sure if God ever met the Blacks, he wouldn’t honor them either. So, I guess that doesn’t count as much. They’re rotten and deserve it. Although I’m pretty sure being in love with a “mudblood” isn’t paying my respects to their pureblood memories.

_SIX: 'You shall not murder.'_

If there was one thing I would never do, it would be murder. I would never, ever kill someone for pleasure or spite. It would have to be self defense. I almost have gotten someone _inadvertently_ murdered… but that’s a story for another time.

_SEVEN: 'You shall not steal.'_

I steal her. I steal her body, I steal her mind. I steal my best mate’s girl.

Well, that’s a bit harsh, I would say borrow. I always give her back… even if I don’t want to.

_EIGHT: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'_

Did bearing false witness mean blatantly lying to your best friend every single day since you were sixteen? I think it does.

_NINE: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'_

Yes, I do covet. I covet her more than is bearable. 

_TEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'_

It’s not adultery.

I was pulled from my perusal to the alter in front of me. “I do.” Lily said, beaming up at my best mate.

“And do you, James Harold Potter, promise to cherish, in sickness and health, until death do you part, Lily Marie Evans?” I stopped breathing. 

He smirked. “I do.” 

NOW it’s adultery.

And as she walks down the aisle, her white train fanning out behind her, glowing only as a newlywed bride can, our eyes connect. The unreal clarity of emerald green meets my guarded gray, and her smile falters. I can hear her thoughts as clearly as if I was a legimins: _This is what you wanted, right?_

I can’t do anything but break the contact, and look back down at the piece of paper I’m holding. Nine out of ten commandments broken… I put the page back into the Holy book and slam it shut. I put it down on the pew and stand up. She’s still looking, wanting an answer.

I shut my eyes and try to remember how I… she… _we_ got here…


	2. Metal Particles

**The Summer Before 6th Year**

My family has taught me to keep composure and be collected at all times. Trust no one. Every man for themselves. If it comes down to hurting someone else and getting what you want—get what you want; at all costs. Children try hard to avoid taking on their parent’s flaws, and I was no exception. I took every possible measure to distance myself from my family. 

I hate to admit it, but after hearing this you won’t be able to say I was successful. 

But maybe the thing that matters is that I feel badly about what I did—or do. I feel awful and wretched about it, when I don’t think any of my relatives were capable of such a feat. So maybe that makes me a bit better. Perhaps I won’t be in Hell for as long. 

You must have heard about my best mate James Potter. I mean, practically everyone on the planet has, it seems. He’s excellent at Quidditch, he’s “ruggedly handsome” (6th year Hufflepuff’s words; not mine), nice to everyone (except Snape who deserves it), and his parents are two of the most successful Aurors of the age. He’s loaded and smart. So basically, he was every girl’s dream bloke.

Except Lily Evans. She hated him with a vengeance—like, a firey burning passion that consumed her whole being. So naturally, he couldn’t stop trying to win her over. The only challenge he had ever been faced with was irresistible and intoxicating to him. He was head over heels since first year when he first met her. We were crossing the lake in row boats when she pushed him in for trying to hold her hand. He had been hooked ever since. But what he didn’t know… was that I was too. 

And that I was about one million times _more_ likely to be successful. 

Me and Lily had this odd magnetic pull, which somehow always led to each other’s company during times of stress. On the first day of Hogwarts when she had no bleeding idea how to get on the train? I just happened to be going at the same time and helped her on. Luckily my parents dropped me off, and they weren’t there to scare her off. The first time she had failed something (charms test, third year) and was of crying in the owlry, I just happened to be delivering a letter. Her friend Snape called her a mudblood in front of loads of people last year, I found her in the Forbidden Forest where she tried to hide but ended up getting lost. During these times, words really weren’t necessary, just a comforting embrace. A set of arms to wrap around you when you need to feel like someone actually gives a damn.

Some might call it luck or coincidence, but when you’ve lived such a crap home life like me, and needed little shreds of hope to hold onto, there is no such a thing.

No one ever knew. And no one would ever suspect it either, because we’re two completely opposite people. To the outside world, she was perfect, I was a hooligan. She had book smarts, maturity, and generosity. While I had street smarts, humor, and empathy. I was the best friend of the boy that was in love with her. I would be the best man at their wedding (or so everyone said, after they got their act together).

It seems like we have nothing in common, but somehow we did. We both needed the other. 

What Lily did not know, was I wanted to be more than a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help her up. I thought she was my reason of existence, my pull to the earth… my soul mate. That might be a bit intense for her, to put it less aggressively, she didn’t know I _fancied_ her. 

And yeah, I know what you'll say. If I fancied her so much why would I go snogging multiple girls a term? The answer? I needed distraction. It would be a betrayal to the code of Brotherhood to show her my affections, so I needed some way to _not_ think about her every minute. Of every day.

But it was because of this magnetic pull, that when I ran out of the Black Manor pissed for the last time, it seemed completely obvious to where I was running to. Or in my case, flying. 

I mounted my motorbike, which ironically had been the very source of this fateful quarrel, and took to the night sky, loving the cold wind and the feeling of absolute freedom. Not even gravity could control me. 

Granted, I had never _been_ to Lily’s house out of school, nor met her family, nor knew precisely where her house was… However! I did have the return address of her house on an envelope in my pocket I just received from her earlier that day. She was the only person I ever meet who wrote a return address, and when I asked her once about it she said something to do with muggle mail getting lost. 

I grabbed the letter out of my pocket while steering with one hand. I read the address quickly and muttered it to myself in hopes of remembering it, “4 Privet Drive, Little Whingington, Surry.” I think I knew APPROXIMATELY where that was… but we were going to find out.

Putting the loose letter between my teeth, I grabbed my wand out of my pocket and thought to myself: “Point me.” The wand spun and showed me north, and I flew where felt right. The place I thought would most likely lead me to Lily.

And after a few “hunches” and roundabout ways (all intentional) I touched back down on the quiet and neat street, suddenly feeling nervous about what I was about to do. Each square lawn was the same shade of bright green that was still recognizable in the darkness of night. I took a deep breath and walked up the cobble stone walkway to the door. I knocked lightly on the wooden thing, hoping that it would somehow only reach Lily’s ears and listened to it eerily echo in the silence. 

I went to knock again, but before I could the door opened. And as it swung back, a tall figure with visible red hair revealed himself holding what looked like a metal stick. I think we learned about it in Muggle Studies once--lunatic muggles hit really hard balls with them. But before I got _my_ balls hit, I cleared my throat and asked, “Er, does Lily Evans live here?”

“Dad? What’s going—“ I heard a beautiful, perfect voice say, but it cut out as she came next to her dad and saw me standing in her threshold. 

“Friend of yours, Lily?” he asked and then yawned, and I felt slightly more at ease as his grip on the metal stick loosened and fell limply to his side. 

“Yes,” she said softly, her eyes scanning mine, trying to search them. “Dad, this is Sirius Black.”

“Ah! You’re that Sirius Black fellow,” he said, while yawning again. 

“Good evening, or… er, morning, sir.” I said, sticking out my hand to shake.

“Nice to meet you,” he said kindly, “we’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Good things, I hope,” I said charmingly, my good manners from my childhood coming back to me easily. Lily blushed around her cheeks. “I was wondering if I could have a few words with Lily, Mr. Evans?”

“Of course!” he said, “I think I’ll just nip back up into bed now,” he said while already turning around and retreating back up the stairs.

“Absolutely,” I said, not knowing whether or not he could hear me. Lily was still scanning me as she stayed silent. As the last sounds of her father’s footsteps faded away, she gestured for me to step outside and I did so as she shut the door behind us.

“What are you doing here, Sirius?” she asked, sitting down on the front step.

“In the neighborhood,” I said breezily as I joined her.

She raised her eyebrows at me until I elaborated. “My parents and I got in a fight. A bad one. It was the final straw, you know? And I just… left. They told me not to come back. Mum blasted me off the family tapestry as I walked out.” I laughed bitterly. I got quiet again as Lily didn’t join me. I turned to look at her, “You were the first place I thought to go,” I finished in a tone much softer than the rest of my sentiments. 

She ran both her hands through her hair and sighed, “I really hate your parents.”

“Something we have in common,” I noted. She gave me a half smile with no teeth.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I said gruffly, nodding my head. “I am.” Lily leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, taking in the cool breeze and her scent enveloped me. I put my arm around her and held her closer, not being able to help myself.

“What was the fight about?” she asked, her voice muffled against my shoulder.

“My motorbike,” I said, nodding in the direction of where I parked it earlier.

She picked up her head and looked at me. “Your motorbike?” she repeated.

“Yeah…” I said slowly, not seeing where she was going with this. She started laughing. “What?” I asked, dumbfounded. 

“Your motorbike? Out of all the things in life to argue about, your motorbike was the cause of getting estranged from your family?” she said, chuckling but then trying very hard to contain herself. I watched her hair glisten in the moonlight in awe. She composed herself and said, “I’m sorry; that was rude.”

“Not at all… It was brilliant. You always make me feel better, you know that?”

The summer air seemed to change; to thicken and grow heavier. “Good,” Lily said softly and leaned her head back on the curve of my shoulder. We stayed like that for a while: sitting in silence, watching the stars and being next to one another was enough. 

I think this was the reason we were magnetic during times of crisis—we handled them the same. Each of us liked the comfort of knowing someone else cared and understood, but didn’t want to be pushed to talk about what happened and how they “felt” about it. 

“Need someplace to stay tonight?” Lily asked softly. I straightened; this was different. Whenever these meetings occurred, we would usually stay several hours with one another and then feel fine enough to go back into the world separately, pretending nothing happened. This was like being proper friends. 

“I can go to the Three Broomsticks or, to James.” I trailed off, wondering why _that_ had not been the first place I flew. 

Lily stiffened at the sound of James’ name, but shrugged it off as she replied, “Nonsense, it’s half three and I bet you’re exhausted. You shouldn’t be flying now,” she said, touching my shoulder. “Or operating a motorbike.” 

She stood up and held out her hand to me. I was surprised by the amount of force exerted behind it as I got to my feet with her aid. “I’m not asking for you and your family to go out of their way, I just… wanted to see you.” I finished quietly. I turned my gaze to the side, looking at the neighbor's bland mailbox, pretending I didn’t hate myself for being weak enough to say I needed someone. Sirius Black never _needed_ people.

And usually doesn’t speak in the third person, only gits do that, my apologies. 

“I know you’re not asking,” Lily said. She took a step closer and grabbed one of my wrists. I was amazed at how easily it seemed to slip down into locking her fingers with mine. She took her other hand and reached up to turn my chin back so I was forced to look at her. “I am. Stay, please.”

The night buzzed with electricity, like the air was made of tiny metal conductors. Lily’s lips were one end of a magnet and I felt like mine were the opposite... and I was being pulled to her… Then, inexplicably a thought of James flashed through my mind. I could have groaned out loud. But I kept my composure, as always. 

“I’ll stay,” I said and Lily smiled. “Just for tonight.”

“Right,” Lily said, sounding as if she didn’t really believe me. She pulled me over her threshold, and I wondered how many invisible lines I was crossing.

It was difficult to see in the dark, but as Lily had dwelt in the home for her entire life, she knew her way around perfectly, even without vision. She took me up the stairs and into a room. “Stay here,” she whispered and let my hand go, leaving me alone in the black and immediately missing the warmth of her hand’s embrace.

She was gone for several moments before creeping back into the room and shutting the door behind her. “Catch,” she said as she threw something soft into my hands and then turned on the light. We were in a bedroom. The walls were a pale yellow, and everything was immaculately neat. There were some posters of muggle bands I recognized on the walls and two twin beds with matching shams on them. I looked down to my hands noticing that she had thrown me some soft pants and a jumper.

“They’re my dad’s,” Lily explained as she noted me observing them. “My mum and dad said you could stay as long as you needed,” Lily said. “Bathroom is right across the hall. You can go wash and change up if you’d like.” She said this all kindly, as if being a polite hostess. She started to fidget as I continued to observe her room. 

“Two beds?” I questioned. 

“My sister and I used to share the room until… until I left for school.” Her eyes were averted and I knew better than to press the subject. 

“I’ll be right back,” I said and quietly turned to exit the room, Lily’s ajar door allowed a slice of light to illuminate my path to the washroom. I changed and washed my face quickly, returning to the room to find the large light had been switched off and a dim, low lamp resting on the small side table between the beds was left on, casting a hazy glow over the room. Lily was already under the covers in the bed by the window, the one I assumed she slept in each night. 

Her eyes were closed and she looked sort of… perfect? And peaceful. As I approached the second bed and climbed in I heard her mutter, “Sirius?” 

Even after everything that had happened that day: the fact that my own family refused to acknowledge I was born, I now had no place to call home, and I had no idea was I was going to do with my life, her voice made my problems insignificant. 

“Yes, Lily?” I said back, trying not to smile as I watched her eyes flutter open. 

“I’m glad you’re staying.”

“Me too, Lily,” I replied softly. Then after a moment I whispered, “Sleep.”

She yawned and shut her eyes and I reached over to turn out the light.

“Lily?” I whispered. 

“Mmmmmm?” she muttered back.

“Thank you,” I said and I meant it. Whether or not she heard me, I have no idea. I was met with was the sound of her steady breathing beside me which became the metronome for my own rhythm as I fell into my own slumber.


	3. Scantily Clad Muggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily tries to use her adventurous side, to almost disastrous consequences.

I was half conscious as I rolled onto my side and met with blinding rays of sun coming in through Lily’s window. “Ahhh,” I muttered as I buried my head back under the covers, trying to savor the darkness within, until the blankets were abruptly pulled off me. 

“Good morning!” Lily said chirpily. 

“Mhrrr,” I groaned. 

“Mum’s getting breakfast ready,” she said in a sing- song tone, and although breakfast sounded lovely, my body was not in the mood to move. 

“Bloody hell!” I yelled. 

“UP!” She said. Lily threw her entire bodily mass at my hip, almost knocking the wind out of me. Not that she was a porker, quite the opposite really—she was very fit, but Merlin did she have force behind her. 

“You trying to kill me?” I asked her, clutching my side. 

She sat at the edge of the bed and laughed. “No just trying to get you up.”

Now that I was properly conscious, I could take in the fact that she looked beautiful as always donning a green tank top with little flowers around the edges and white skirt. Of course the sunlight was touching her hair in all the right places. Because the world likes to torture me. 

I think she noticed me staring. Her smile faded and she repeated more quietly, “Breakfast is ready.”

Lily’s mum? FANTASTIC breakfast maker. She makes the best pancakes I’ve ever had in my life. 

“Thank you Mrs. Evans, really,” I said. She was a bright lively woman, mid forties. She had striking green eyes and brown hair. She had a light about her; if she wasn’t smiling her eyes seemed to be doing it for her. 

“Oh please, it’s my pleasure. I love breakfast. It’s my favorite dish of the day,” She said as if admitting a dirty secret, like reading cheap dime store romance novels in her spare time. She stood to clear the dirty dishes and I jumped up to help. 

“Oh dear, you don’t have to!” Mrs. Evans said, waving me away with her hands.

“Please, let me, I feel like too much of a burden if I don’t,” I said, flashing her a smile.

“Lily, your friend is quite the charmer,” she stage whispered.

I heard Lily snort behind my back, “Hogwarts heartbreaker.” Mrs. Evans laughed. I was used to the nickname, but coming from Lily, the remark stung.

Just then, a tapping on the window alerted us to a handsome looking owl waiting outside clutching a scroll. Lily opened the window as Mrs. Evans kept tidying the kitchen; she must have been used to Wizarding post by now. 

“It’s for you,” Lily said, and I dropped the dishes in the sink before walking over to retrieve the letter from her. “Thanks,” I said as I unrolled the parchment and began to read:

_Hey Padfoot—_

_I know you’re probably absolutely miserable, but cheer up! You have a letter from your best mate! And, your obligatory three weeks at home are two thirds over! In a week you are totally free to come to my place! And that’s right when me and the parents will be back from France, it’s perfect timing. And even better, I’ll bring you a present. I think I’ll buy Lily one too... I feel badly about that whole incident at the end of OWLs with Snivellus… she looked like she was REALLY mad at me. Not like the other times. Maybe she’ll just accept the present then we’ll be friends and then she’ll realize she’s madly in love with me and wants to have my children._

_… I know, but a guy can dream, can’t he?_

_Anyway, let me know if you need us to come get you from the Hell hole next week, right?_

_-Prongs_

I felt a pit of guilt in my stomach as I read the bits about Lily. Usually when James went on his Lily tangents it was effortless to detach myself from how I felt about her and listen. But now I felt the queasy sensation that comes along with doing something forbidden...

Perhaps it was my close proximity to Lily at this moment. I long ago accepted that loving her was hopeless and reaped no reward. With James as my mate and unofficial brother, I could never ride off into the sunset with her. I put down the letter and looked at Lily sitting across from me. _Ah._ That was where the guilt was coming from.

Lily never once looked at James like _that._ With happiness, companionship, or anything of the sort. I knew he wanted it so badly… but I’m the one that is in her kitchen, charming her mum and eating breakfast with her. 

“Who was it from?” she inquired.

“Er, James,” I said hesitantly. As I expected, the reaction was instantaneous. Her eyebrows furrowed as she stuck her tongue out.

“Lily!” Mrs. Evan’s exclaimed as she saw the spectacle from across the room, “That’s rude!”

“He’s insufferable, mum!” Lily cried out.

“Insufferably in looove with you,” I teased as Lily shot me a glare. 

“It wouldn’t hurt to be nice to the poor boy,” Mrs. Evans said.

“It would hurt my dignity and self-worth,” Lily shot back in a deadpan. Mrs. Evans was too aware of Lily’s stubborn nature than to push the matter any further. 

Looking back over James’ letter, I had forgotten about the Potter’s trip to France; going to their manor today was out of the question. I was would have to shell out the rest of my saved galleons to stay at the Leaky Cauldron for the rest of the week.

“Thank you so much for the food, Mrs. Evans,” I said, “And the hospitality.” I added as well. 

“Of course!”

“I should get going, I guess,” I said, while getting up from the table. Lily rose with me. 

“Where will you go?” her face was twisted with concern and it (sickly) made me feel a little good inside.

“Well I was planning on James’, but he won’t be ‘round ‘til next week so I figure I’ll just stay at the Leaky Cauldron ‘til then.”

“No!” Lily said, “That will be expensive. Mum, tell him he must stay here.” 

“It’s true, Sirius,” Mrs. Evans conceded with her daughter. “I can’t let you be out alone for a week; that simply won’t do.” Lily and her mother both nodded at the same time as if the case was closed.

“I really can’t, it’s too much,” I insisted. I hated charity. I only agreed last night because it had been the middle of the night… and Lily used her begging voice, and how could any bloke, let alone me, say no to that?

“We’ll hear no more of it, Sirius.” Mrs. Evans said, “We’ll just clean up the spare room a bit for you and you can stay in there. I would have last night, but I’m afraid once I fall asleep, there’s no waking me.” 

“That’s true, she sleeps like the dead.” Lily turned back to me, unleashing the full power of her beauty. Bugger. Why is she so bloody gorgeous? “You will stay, won’t you?”

“Of course,” I said, utterly defeated.

Her face lit up, “Good.”

After breakfast I helped Lily and Mrs. Evans clean out the spare bedroom once been inhabited by her sister, Petunia. I asked no questions. I learned early on that Lily’s sister was a touchy subject—which I could easily relate to, having Regulus as a brother, and I respected it. When we finished cleaning up, Mrs. Evans went to get more groceries and visit her friend down the way. 

Me and Lily were taking a walk around her neighborhood before Lily said suddenly, “Where’s the rest of your stuff?”

“At home?” I said, not understanding her sudden surprise. 

“Don’t you want it?” Lily questioned.

“Well...” I hadn’t really thought about it. Grabbing my books and clothes had not been on my mind at the time I was fleeing Hell. “I guess it would be nice, yeah.”

I recognized the twinkle in her eyes… It was daring, mischievous and passionate - all traits of my best friends, the Marauders. 

“Well then, let’s go get it.” Lily said triumphantly, waiting for me to agree. 

I was too busy being shocked. “Lily Evans! Breaking and entering? I never thought I’d see the day where you would be the one suggesting to break a rule.” 

She stopped walking and stood to look at me. “You don’t know everything about me, Sirius Black.” She smiled smugly to herself and started walking again. Was it just me or did that have a sexual undertone? Minx. 

I stumbled and took a few large strides to catch up and regain my composure. “Apparently not. And not that I wouldn’t love to be partners in crime with you, but my house isn’t like yours. My mum is not nice. If we’re caught she won’t treat me like family… and certainly not you.” 

Lily’s gaze did not waver. “I know, which is why we won’t be getting caught.” I realized for the first time why Lily had been put in Gryffindor. She was fiercely loyal and brave when it came to the welfare of her friends. She reminded me of James in that way.

“All right, if you want to.” I said and her grin grew. 

“Let’s make a plan.” She asked me a series of question to map out my house and our strategy. 

So there we were, several hours later standing next to one another with a small amount of floo powder in our palms.

“I’m going first,” I said, putting my hand near the flame of Lily’s fireplace. “I’m going to check to make sure it’s clear then we’ll go together, yeah?”

Lily rolled her eyes at me, “I know, I know, I know. We’ve only gone over this a hundred times in the past twenty minutes.”

“All right!” I said, “What on Earth has come over you?” I whispered this to myself before sticking my head into the cackling orange embers and dropping the floo powder. I coughed, “Grimmauld Place!” through the smoke and ashes.

I was spinning and I saw the quickest glances of other people’s homes before slowing down and approaching my old home. I saw a flash of the study room before stopping at the fireplace in the living room. I looked around the room and saw no one. My knees at Lily’s house started to ache from the contact with her wooden floor. I still saw no one and heard nothing at my old establishment, only noting each ugly Black family heirloom in it’s ostentatious place on display shelves. I pulled my head out the flames and spun backwards for several seconds until I was falling onto my back onto the floor at Lily’s house and coughing up charcoal. 

“The coast is clear?” Lily asked, ignoring my choking.

I removed all the irritating bits of log from my airway, “Yup.”

“Let’s go,” she said, helping me up. We stood next to each other and stepped closer to the fire. Lily was practically pressed against me. “Ready?” 

“Ready.” I replied as we stepped into the fireplace, the flames licked our heels uncomfortably and we dropped our floo powder together. 

“Grimmauld Place!” we cried. I could feel bits of Lily colliding with my body as we roughly traveled through the floo network. 

We started slowing down and I shouted, “Nearly there!” 

Lily must have misheard me and jumped through the wrong grate. I reached to grab her, but the world was spinning too fast and I had to jump out at my living room…I hurled my body out of the flames and crashed onto the ancient wooden floors of the Black manor. I grunted at the force of impact and brushed the soot off myself. “Bullocks,” I whispered, not seeing Lily anywhere. 

Right, so. First, Lily mocks the plan, and then she goes and mucks up the plan! Not only that but what if someone was on the third floor! I hadn’t checked that far up the house because my room was on the second floor, so ORIGINALLY all we had to do was go up a flight of stairs, grab my stuff, come back down and floo home. Now, instead of operation Rescue Sirius’ Stuff it was operation Rescue Lily. 

_If the Blacks found her…_ I shuddered on the spot. The Blacks knew every pureblood family, even the ones they disagreed with like the Weasleys. If Lily was captured, they would know she wasn't pure. There wasn’t any time to waste. I had to find her. I moved as quietly and quickly as I could up the staircase to the second floor. 

Little did I know, at the same time I was doing this, Lily was dashing madly down the servant’s staircase, winding her way to the first floor and entering the kitchen.

She was breathing heavily and looked around quickly. “Good Merlin, Lily.” She whispered to herself as she tip-toed through the kitchen. “Why do you get yourself into these situations?!” A look of scorn and mockery came over her usually delicate features. _“Be a daredevil, Lily. Show Sirius you can live on the edge just like him.”_ Her spiral of pity was interrupted when she accidentally hit a metal cauldron with her foot, making a huge metal GONG echo through the room, and what felt like the whole house.

It felt like the whole house heard it because they did. I froze in my tracks on the stairs to the third floor. “Shit.” 

I turned around and booked it the other way to find Lily. But I wasn’t going to get there first. I heard the pitter-patter of little elven footsteps picking up their pace to the kitchen. As I entered the room there was none other than my family’s crazy house elf, Kreature, trying to tie Lily’s hands behind her back and take her hostage. If I wasn’t so worried that my mum was somehow going to find out, I would have laughed. Kreature, three feet tall, trying to take down Lily, five foot seven. 

“I should have known you brought the filth into the house. The disgusting mudblood. Misses would be so ashamed. I’m going to have to bleach the floors now.” 

Not funny anymore. 

“Enough!” I said, and Kreature stopped. Although he may despise me, I still bore the Black name and therefore he was entitled to obey my commands.

I took three large quick steps and grabbed the house elf by the shoulder. I brought him up to my eye level and said, in as calm of a voice as I could manage, “You will tell no one of this incident. You will never give out any information about Lily. Even if Mrs. Black asks, you will not tell her we were here. You will forget this ever happened.” I dropped him and he fell to his knees. 

“Cummon,” I said to Lily. I took her out of the room and looked at her for the first time. She seemed as if she was in a trance.

“Lily…?” I asked quietly.

“He didn’t know what he was saying.” She said softly.

“What?”

Her eyes snapped back to attention and she looked at me. “Kreature. He’s been brainwashed.”

“Of course,” I said, just remembering what he had said about her. “You know I don’t believe any of that, you know it’s just what that crap pureblood families try and spew out; there’s nothing behind it. You get loads better grades on exams than I do.” I said, putting my arm around her. She smiled at me.

“I do homework,” she teased. “I was being silly, you’re right.” She smiled again and changed the subject quickly. “Where’s your stuff? All this effort will go to waste if you don’t come back with anything.” 

“But Lily-“

“Seriously!” She said.

I sighed. “It’s up in my room still, I suppose.” Unless my family burned it. 

“All right then,” she said, twinkle back in her eye. “Let’s go.”

I knew better than to fight with her now. 

“Stand behind me,” I said quietly and pulled out my wand. Lily reluctantly nodded and proceeded to take her place behind me, drawing her wand as well.

We crept up the stairs, as slowly and quietly as we could. My bedroom was located on the second floor; luckily there were not too many staircases to climb. We got to my closed door and I breathed a little bit easier—this insane trip was half over. I let Lily in and locked the door behind us, just in case. I stood in the center and put a silencing charm on the room, making sure moving things around would not be heard.

“That’s illegal!” Lily hissed, and then looked upset for reverting back to her old rule-abiding self.

“Lily,” I said, shaking my head, “the Ministry can’t know I was performing the spell unless they got my wand, they just know people at the house were. And since this is a magical house, they’ll never know.”

She looked outraged. “That’s ridiculous! They have no proper way of monitoring underage magic!”

“They’re hoping the parents will,” I said calmly. “And, as much as I love to chat about wizard laws, the faster we get out of here the better.”

“Right,” Lily nodded. “Gather up all your stuff.” I nodded back at her and set about quickly ‘round the room throwing items in a trunk at random. I barely noticed as Lily was pacing around the perimeter of my room, looking at all the scantily clad muggle models on the wall. She snickered into her hand.

“What?” I said defensively, looking up from the trunk I was trying to now put in some resemblance of order.

“This your taste in women?” she asked pointing to a voluptuous fake blonde girl in a white bikini. 

“Nah, not really. Just makes my parents stroppy. So it’s worth it,” I finished shrugging. And then a brilliant idea popped into my genius brain. “Let’s make sure they can’t redecorate, shall we?” I said with an evil twinkle. I applied a permanent sticking charm to each muggle poster. I even got Lily to do a few. She thought it was brilliant. That made me happy. 

After we were done she turned and asked, “Right, got everything then?” 

I closed the lid on my trunk, “Yeah, let’s get a move on.” I cast a feather- weight charm, carrying my trunk with one hand and my wand with the other.

Lily and I made it to the living room, I could see the fireplace. I was incredulous, we actually got away with this! I tapped Lily’s shoulder and she spun toward me. I gave her the motion to give me a high five. Unfortunately, I was a bit _too_ enthusiastic. She lost her footing and stepped back, knocking over this repulsive umbrella stand.

Then all hell broke loose. 

My mother’s ugly portrait went off yelling at the top of her lungs, and right above our heads I could hear footsteps frantically running to the stairs. 

I caught Lily by the elbow, “We can’t floo!” I cried to her.

“What?!” Lily yelled to me over the screaming.

“If we floo, they’ll know where you live! They’ll come to get you!” I frantically tried to think our way out of this. My broom was at James’ and the bike at Lily’s. There was only one option.

“Do you trust me?” I yelled to Lily.

Her eyes locked with mine and for one moment everything seemed to go silent. 

“Yes,” I saw her lips form, and I grabbed her arm.

“Hold onto me!” I screamed. I could hear the footsteps running down the stairs, the portrait screaming, and I swear my heart beat. But right now I needed to concentrate. I thought about how I needed to do this to keep Lily safe, and I knew that I could do this. I shoved my wand in my pocket, holding my trunk, and Lily’s arm, I spun on the spot and we were sucked into a black oblivion. 

Right before we spun, I saw the face of my mother. I saw the look of her absolute disgust, her hatred, and fury. 

I also saw the faintest trace of sadness... as her eldest son illegally apparated to get away from her.


	4. Sitcom Marathons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I spend a glorious week with Lily Evans... now I just need to keep it from James.

Apparation is the most wretched feeling, like all of your insides are being smashed into pieces by an invisible giant. But at least because I knew the feeling, I knew that I had done it right.

Lily was flailing next to me, and I held steadfastly to her and my trunk. The latter kept knocking against my shins, persevering to leave its angry marks on my skin. Finally the air opened and I could breathe. Lily fell on top of my legs with a large grunt and I hit my trunk square on the corner. Comfy. Excellent. Marvelous. 

We both laid on her front lawn panting for a few moments before she said to the sky. “You can Apparate?”

Well spotted, Lily! If I wasn’t so winded I would take the mickey out of her. “Mum and dad thought all purebloods should know how before it was required,” I explained. “Symbol of our superiority. I hadn’t done it many times perfectly…. Glad it worked this time!” I said with a nervous chuckle. 

Lily rolled off my legs to look at me. “You could have killed us.”

“But I didn’t,” I offered feebly. 

What Lily did next surprised me. She turned on her side to embrace me in a hug (as much as one can when horizontal on the dirt). “Thank you,” she breathed into my neck as she clung tighter for a moment before letting go. 

“Why are you thanking me?” I questioned of her. “You should be furious. First, I agree to this insane plan of letting you set foot inside the most dangerous place on Earth—“ Lily snorted. 

“You laugh,” I continued seriously, “but, my parents know dark magic that would horrify you.” Lily’s smile faded. “It has gone back for forever. All of them—passing down awful things to the next generation to use against people like you. People who weren’t born wizards.” Lily’s eyes were searching my face now.

“I shouldn’t have let you go. No amount of stuff is worth getting you hurt. Next, I risk our lives even more and do risky magic to pull us out of a terrible situation.” The severity of this sank in and Lily turned an even more porcelain white than usual. 

“You should be furious,” I repeated. 

“Sirius, I—“ But what about Lily, I could not find out at the time, as her mother walked up the sidewalk. 

“What on earth happened to the two of you?” Mrs. Evans asked.

I jumped up and offered my hand to Lily to help her onto two feet. She took it, and I clung too much as she slipped her fingers out of mine, our tips touching longer than was customary. 

“We went on an adventure,” Lily said. 

Her mother chuckled, “Oh really? Where to?”

“To rescue Sirius’ belongings,” Lily said matter-of-factly. Mrs. Evans’ eyes flickered over to the trunk in the dirt. Her eyebrows furrowed. “And it all fits inside of that one trunk?” she said incredulously.

“Magic,” Lily reminded her mum in an exasperated voice. 

“Ah, of course.” She chuckled and looked at Lily. “I’ll get used to it one of these days.” She shrugged and added, “would you mind helping me nip the rest of the groceries out of the car and put them away?”

We hauled the rest of the groceries inside and the adrenaline in my veins slowly stopped pumping. I was able to compose my thoughts and riddle out the past hour’s events. Lily suggested breaking a wizard law, helped me draw up a plan to break a wizard law, successfully broke a wizarding law while trespassing and using underage magic. Then, she let me perform possibly fatal magic on the two of us.

Let’s say a bloke likes this bird. Bloke finds out bird is vegetarian. Suddenly, he wants to treat “all God’s creatures as equals” and volunteers at an animal shelter. Bird pays attention to bloke and lets him make out with her. We’ve all seen this logic and something like this example. Doesn’t Lily sound a bit like the bloke in this situation? 

 

Except she’s not a bloke… she’s _very much so_ not a bloke… 

Focusing. 

I meant that Lily stepped outside of her comfort zone to be more like me. Which, in most situations, means there’s a certain fondness on her end. But, I also have to factor in the fact Lily is a good person and fiercely loyal, so she would go to any extent to help a friend. Bullocks. 

Fondness or not, I was honestly happy we were both okay. And gauging by the look of alarm that took over Lily’s features when I spoke about dark magic, I think it was safe to assume she was aware that a movement was starting to take place throughout our world. A dark wizard, named Voldemort, was rising and gaining followers. We were starting to live in dangerous times. 

I was shaken from my musings when Lily called my name. I realized I was still outside, clutching two grocer’s bags.

“Need help?” she said smirking. Ash and dirt lingered on the hem of her shirt and dirtied her white skirt. 

“Nope,” I grinned back, “I’m fine. Just a bit distracted.” Her smile fell for a moment and looked at me with concern, before thinking better about asking what I was distracted about in front of her mother. 

After we helped Lily’s mum and got cleaned up, she decided to show me around her town. Life as a real muggle! We walked toward the town center and ducked into a retro-diner to eat. 

We received our sodas, but Lily left hers untouched and looked at me. “What were you so distracted thinking about earlier?” She said, tilting her head to the side, as if a different view would reveal the answer. “Unless it’s dirty, then I think I’d rather not know. But it looked like you were very contemplative.” 

“It wasn’t dirty!” I said defensively. “I was thinking about how lucky we were to be okay and unscratched, from my stupid magic or my family’s.” 

“That was brave,” she said. Her eyes locked with mine. “Really. It’s quite amazing that you’re able to do that. I’ve studied the theory behind it, Apparation is difficult.” 

“I knew we had to get out of there.” I shrugged. 

“About the—“ she looked around the room of muggles and mouthed _dark magic,_ “you were talking about earlier. It’s not just your family, is it.” She didn’t ask a question, she was stating a fact. 

“No, it’s not.” I said. “You’re clever. You’ve noticed the disappearances, the random fires. That’s some of us. Not one of them,” I said jerking my head toward a muggle family sitting next to us. Their young son laughed as his elder sister made a funny face. Lily’s eyes were fixed on the children. 

“It’s not fair,” she said, her eyes still on the laughing youths. She snapped back to me. “They have no idea. They have no way to protect themselves! It’s not right.” 

I didn’t know what to say, but the waitress returned with our greasy burgers and fries in hand. She winked at me before popping her gum loudly and dropping an extra napkin next to my plate. The waitress left and Lily rolled her eyes. 

“What!” I said defensively. Lily sighed and reached across the table to flip the napkin over, digits were scrawled across it with a heart at the bottom. 

“Hogwarts heartbreaker,” she said pointedly. 

“I can’t help my dashingly good looks, Lily.” I joked. 

Lily’s face did not show traces of amusement. “Slag,” she shot back. 

My mouth hung open. “What did you call me?” 

“You heard me, you’re a slag. You go through girl after girl once you’ve done Merlin knows what with them, and don’t give a damn.” She said this factually and took a bite of her burger. 

“I am not a slag.” I said lowly. Little did she know, little did Hogwarts know, I was a virgin. Definition of a slag is a person who sleeps around with a ton of people, so I wasn’t a slag. Did I make out with quite a few girls in a rather successive and fast-paced time frame? Perhaps. You’ve got me on that one. But what else am I supposed to do when the love of my life is completely unattainable? Sit and play Wizard’s chess all day and wallow as a victim of circumstance? I think not. 

“Sirius, I was taking the mickey.” Lily said as she grabbed a French fry. I wished I could laugh with her, but her accusations hurt more than I cared to admit. I didn’t want Lily to think I was just some irresponsible ass who ran around and jumped in bed with anything with two legs and lady bits. I wanted her to think of me as, I dunno. Responsible boyfriend material. 

But then James would think of me as good target practice material. Why did he have to choose her out of all the damn girls at Hogwarts to set his sights on?

“Do you really think I’m a slag?” I asked her. 

“Sirius, honestly—“

“No, really. Do you?”

“I don’t know what to think,” she said quietly. “Everyone at school buzzes about what girl you’re with weekly and spreads ridiculous rumors. But,” she added, “none of the rumors sound like the Sirius I know.”

“They’re not.” I said quickly.

“I believe you,” she said and pushed my plate toward me. “Eat. It’s good.” I smiled and took a bite. She was right. It might have been a heart attack between two buns, but it tasted like delicious victory. 

***

My week with Lily Marie flew by quickly. I wish I could say I became accustomed to her beauty and could better shield myself from infatuation by spending so much time around her, but that’s untrue. 

Getting to know her more convinced me of how perfectly matched we are. Waking up in the same house, eating breakfast together, seeing her with no makeup, taking walks down through her town all made it easier to picture spending the rest of our lives together. Seeing her at all hours of the day made me no more immune to her than that damn water helped Achilles’ heels. 

Before I knew it, the afternoon of my departure arrived. I wrote James in the middle of the week and told him I would touch down after dinner. My plan was to pretend my week old family fight happened today, and inform him I was never returning to Black Manor. Staying with Lily would be accidentally forgotten when talking to James. 

Was this dishonest? Yes. But otherwise I would have to answer so many questions. I explained this to Lily the Ever Honest, Lily the Princess of Loyalty, and she agreed with me.

“I mean, really there’s nothing to be jealous of,” she said one night as we stayed up late watching some muggle sitcom marathon on her television (the function of which she explained to me several days earlier). 

I eyed her tank top dipping dangerously low and her short pajama shorts. “Yes, absolutely nothing.” I said sardonically.

Lily plowed on unaware. “It’s not like you’re making advances on me.” Her cheeks colored a brilliant shade of pink. “We’re just really good friends and you needed one when he wasn’t there.” 

“Yes,” I countered, “but James would give a leg and other vital limbs to be one of your best friends.” 

“Well,” she said after a moment’s contemplation, “maybe it’s best to keep this to ourselves then.” 

“I couldn’t agree more.”

I figured with a Saint’s approval, it wasn’t as terrible. Even though I was breaking every Best Mate Code in the book, what choice did I have? Luckily the other Marauders would be arriving shortly after me, and some of the attention would shift to them. 

I still felt guilty.

“Dinner!” Mrs. Evans voice rang through the house. I looked around the room that belonged to the Lily’s unknown sister and saw a lone picture of two little girls on the desk. One was a redhead, smiling with her front teeth missing, and the other was a bony preteen, trying her hardest not to grin. I heard Lily’s door close and quickly moved to exit the room, the picture lingering in my mind. 

I met Lily in the hallway, “Hey,” I said, throwing my smile her way (it is admittedly one of my best features). 

“Hey,” she said back, rather flatly. She tried to smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Lily walked ahead of me down the stairs to get to the kitchen. I furrowed my eyebrows and followed after her quickly.

I took my usual space at the table across from Lily. Her mother was beaming as she brought the dinner in. “I thought we needed a special dinner for your farewell, Sirius!” 

The table was so full we barely had room for our plates. There was ham, mashed potatoes, salad, rolls, corn, peas, and all sorts of side dishes. 

“It looks amazing, Mrs. Evans, thank you.” I said, truly touched by all of the work she put into the meal. 

“Yes mum, it does,” Lily added quietly, her eyes trained to her plate. I was starting to get mildly concerned. What could be wrong? Did I do something?

Throughout the rest of the meal Lily’s manner did not differ. She answered questions shortly as her mum and dad tried to get her to converse more. I kept composure and pretended nothing was wrong. The meal concluded with a breath-taking chocolate cake Mrs. Evans made and I like I never wanted to eat another thing again. Lily refrained from desert and shot up from the table as soon as she could be excused. Her dad turned and watched her progress up the stairs. 

“Dear,” he said to Mrs. Evans, “I think this has you written on it.” He happily turned to me, “I don’t understand women, never will.”

“Oh you’re terrible,” Mrs. Evans teased as she started to clear the table. “I’m sure it’s just a mood, if something’s wrong she’ll tell me about it later.” 

I helped clean as fast as I could before escaping to Lily. I took each stair slowly, trying to think of what I could have possibly done to upset her.

I knocked at her door. Hearing no noise of protest, I entered. “Hey,” I said. 

“Hey.” She was sitting on her bed, scribbling in a little book. 

“Mind if I come in?” I asked and she shook her head. I sat on the bed next to hers; the one I occupied my first night here. “What’s wrong, Lily? Did I do something?”

“It’s stupid,” she admitted finally. 

“No it’s not, just tell me. Nothing my friends have to say to me is stupid. Unless it’s from Peter…” I trailed off. Lily cracked a smile. 

“It’s just,” she struggled to find the words. I nodded my head, urging her to continue. “Before, when we would hang out, afterwards we would go back to our lives and not talk for weeks or months. And you being friends with James makes everything more complex. I get that, but… we’re friends now. I don’t want you to leave tonight and that be it.”

I took this moment to move and sit directly next to her. “I don’t want that either.” My heart was thumping loudly enough to be heard throughout the house. “We’re going to find a way to stay friends, no matter what. I mean we did break into my house and leave unscratched, we can do this no problem.” I said lightly, her face broke out in a grin. 

“Lily, you’re one of my best friends. You mean a lot to me, I’m not going to just take off and pretend this never happened.”

“Well,” she said, sitting up a bit straighter, tossing her hair over her shoulder, “I wouldn’t let you Sirius Black.” 

“Good,” I said. I could smell her shampoo (that I also used this past week), I could see her eyes sparkling, I could feel her arm brushing mine and I could fathom moving my face just inches and connecting with her. Her eyes flickered down to my mouth too. Just as I was about to make the conscious decision to move…

James. 

His face flashed through my mind. I had to leave and fly to his house in moments. No matter how badly I wanted to kiss Lily, it would be bad to end things like this. We would be apart for over a month and kissing would definitely require a conversation, with her and James. I wouldn’t be able to hide this from him.

I closed my eyes and sighed. “I have to go,” I said, hating myself as I spoke. I felt something collide with my shoulder and saw Lily’s forehead resting there. “I know,” she said muffled into my shirt. 

I wrapped my arms around her and rested my chin on top of her head. She squeezed back and grabbed a fistful of my shirt. We stayed there for a few glorious moments until I knew I had to pull away or else I wouldn’t be able to. I rubbed her back and let go. 

“Need help with your things?” she asked hopefully (maybe I imagined the hope). 

“Definitely.” 

We walked to “my” room. I grabbed my trunk and Lily slung the strap of my rucksack over her shoulder. We walked downstairs and Mr. and Mrs. Evans were putting away leftovers in the refrigerator. 

“Sirius, you have to go?” Mrs. Evans said, frowning a bit.

“Yes, Mrs. Evans. Time for me to leave. Thank you so much for your hospitality.” 

Mrs. Evans embraced me, like I was one of her own. “You’re welcome anytime.”

“Thank you.” I said. 

Mr. Evans shook my hand. “No problem,” he said happily.

“Do you need us to drive you anywhere?” Mrs. Evans said anxiously.

“Mum,” Lily said, “magic!”

“Of course, of course,” Mrs. Evans said waving her hands. 

Lily and I walked out to where I stored my motor bike and attached my trunk. 

“We’ll talk soon,” I promised.

“I trust you, Sirius Black,” Lily said. “Fly safe.” 

“I always do,” I said, before kicking off and flying once again into the dark night.


	5. Grass Hills and Sunsets

The trip to James’ house was a familiar one, and under normal circumstances I sped to reach my destination. However, tonight I flew leisurely over Surrey. My thoughts remained with the Evans family’s quiet suburban street, where Lily kept her eyes trained on the sky from her kitchen window in case my figure reappeared. Lily informed me much later of the conversation taking place below.

“It was nice to have another man in the house,” Mrs. Evans noted to her daughter, well aware of the morose look on Lily’s face.

“Yeah,” Lily agreed quietly, “it was.”

“You know… Sirius is a wonderful boy, Lily.”

“He is.” 

Mrs. Evans slowly approached and put her hand on Lily’s shoulder; she was afraid to cross a line, but wanted Lily to know she was always there to listen.

Lily chuckled. “We’re opposites. He’s funny and a heartbreaker and… and...charming.” 

“You’re both Gryffindors,” Mrs. Evans countered, “and from what you’ve told me that means loyal, generous and kind. I think those matter the most.”

Lily was silent and thought over her mother’s words. Maybe the real Sirius was the one Lily knew, not the one the rest of Hogwarts did. The Sirius that Lily knew was funny, a good listener, intelligent, daring, handsome…

Lily turned to face her mother. “You think?” 

“I do.” 

Lily smiled started to climb the stairs, but stopped short as her mother added: “No pressure. There are always other boys, like James!” 

Mrs. Evans laughed and Lily spun on her heels. “My entire life would have to be falling apart to the point of no longer seeing reason.”

Mrs. Evans’ eyes twinkled. “I know dear, just a joke.”

***

I am a dethroned Black. My family name and prestigious connections cannot help me in the path I’ve chosen to walk. Which is why I can’t offend the only family I have left; I can’t hurt James. My friendship with Lily has to remain secret. No matter the cost.

But now, for this ride, I would remember. I would grin to myself like an idiot and chuckle at our inside jokes we formed throughout the week. I took the time to savor my memories, knowing as soon as I stepped foot in James’ house each thought would be high treason. My stomach clenched into a knot. 

Much quicker than I anticipated, I touched down on the Potter’s front lawn. My feet brushed the grass as I dismounted my motorbike and stowed it in the garden shed. I took a deep breath and tried to empty my mind of Lily-related thoughts. I levitated my trunk in front of me, knowing I was once again protected by the magical residence to perform underage magic, and walked up the impressive grand steps to Potter Manor.

After my knock, the door opened quickly. “Hey, Padfoot!” 

“Hey, Prongs.”So far, keeping my mind clear was easy. I shuffled inside and placed my cumbersome trunk on the marble floor. I was instantly met by the Potter’s house elf, Fringey. 

“Master Potter’s friend is back again!” she exclaimed happily, moving to drag my trunk up several flights of stairs to my customary spare bedroom. 

I lunged forward to save her frail frame from transporting my luggage. “It’s really okay, I’ve got it.” 

James clutched Fringey’s elbow delicately. “Fringey, we’ll grab it, don’t worry. Mum needs you to help out with cleaning, I expect.” Fringey’s mouth made a surprised ‘O’ and immediately scampered off to clean.

“Let’s get this upstairs.” James waited until Fringey was gone before he charmed the trunk to float in front of us as he prattled on about France and the beautiful teenage girls that could be found there. Mrs. Potter hated when James used magic in the house, because he was only sixteen and she worked for the Auror’s office. 

Once, Mrs. Potter found us making all the books in James’ room dance and lectured us for over an hour about the dangers of rogue magic and explained, in detail, the punishments she saw inflicted on wizards who broke the law.

The warm burgundy walls of the familiar room greeted me favorably when we walked in. But I still missed the pale yellow of Pertunia’s old room... 

“How was the Hell hole?” James questioned once we had successfully set down my luggage.

Hell hole? Oh, right. I was supposed to be arriving from Black Manor. All that time with Lily weakened my composure. But it’s easy to slip back into something you practiced your whole life. “Mother dearest really went for it this time.” 

James’ face changed from smirking to serious very quickly. “What do you mean?” 

“We got in a fight. I told her I was leaving and she told me not to come back.” 

Silence rang throughout the room. “You’re joking.” 

Even though James was a great mate and listened, he didn’t have a frame of reference. His family was like a poster for wizarding families—successful parents, James was brilliant and pro at Quidditch, rich and pure blooded. Sometimes, he found it difficult to grasp how cruel my family could be. Lily, on the other hand, went through conflict with Petunia that gave her a similar perspective; she was able to empathize, rather than sympathize. 

“Nope.” I turned away from him. I may be a good liar, but I prefer not to look into James’ eyes. “Blasted me off the tapestry as I packed.” 

James let out a low whistle. “Mate, I’m really -”

I cut him off. “Don’t be, now I never have to go back there again.”

“That’s the spirit. Plus, mum and dad will love being able to have you ‘roud for all the holidays. You’re their favorite.” James tried to make me feel like I had a family.

“I _am_ more attractive.”

James snorted. “Whatever you think, Padfoot.”

“How was France? Other than the girls?” I was glad to shift topics away from my deceit. I was able to look directly at James now.

“A bit boring,” he admitted. “Mum wanted to look at all these old ruins from wars and stuff and paintings and Dad was trying to find information for his newest assignment.” 

“That does sound boring.”

“But I brought you something! I’ll be right back.” Within a second, James flew out of the room to visit his. 

I let my mind drift, just for a moment. My first thought was what Lily was doing right now. It was now quickly turning dark, usually when she showered and climbed into her pajamas… Low cut tank tops, short shorts, oh my… Right, so I just can’t think for the rest of the summer.

I heard James’ approaching footsteps and immediately focused all my energy contemplating what he brought back.

James held out what looked like a simple looking glass. “I found these in some random store in one of the wizarding villages,” 

“I know I’m good looking, Prongs, but I don’t look at myself ALL day.” I took one of the small mirrors and examined it with a critical eye.

“No, no. Watch.” James cleared his throat and held the mirror close to his face, almost as if in admiration of his reflection. “Sirius Black.”

The ordinary surface of my mirror clouded for a moment before James’ face appeared. James flipped his mirror around so I could plainly see my own countenance. “Woah.”

“Right? They’re wicked. This way when Dear McGonagall splits us up for detentions we can chat instead of doing work!” 

“So I just say your name?”

“Yeah. Then my face will show up.”

“These are excellent. Thanks, mate.” I wondered briefly how much these artifacts cost. Usually money wasn’t a factor for me or James, coming from generations of wealth, but now I was cut off. For the first time I wondered how I would buy my materials for school.

James shrugged his shoulders. “Thought they’d come in handy. Want to play a quick round of Exploding Snap?”

“Actually,” How to word this? “I don’t feel up to it, long day.” Ah yes, I can use the disowned-from-my-family card!

“Course,” James said somberly. “Well, Peter and Moony come tomorrow afternoon, and I’m sure mum will make you a huge breakfast. See you then?” James knows I like space when I’m upset. Usually it’s space so I can go talk to Lily…

“Sounds good.” 

“Night, Padfoot.”

“Night. Oh mind if I borrow Godric?” 

Godric was James’ owl. He looked confused for a moment. “Who are you writing to?” 

_Bullocks. Um, think, think, think._ “Oh, erm, Veronica.” I blurted out, before I could stop myself. Veronica was the girl a year younger than us that I, erm… spent an afternoon in a broom closet with at the end of term. 

His eyebrows shot up into his untidy hair. “Serious?”

“That’s my name.”

James rolled his eyes. “You fancy her?” 

“Dunno.” I gave the safest answer. “But she’s great at snogging.” 

James laughed. “Yeah, Godric’s in my room. I’ll let him out, he’ll circle a bit and then come to your window.”

“Thanks.” I inwardly sighed with relief.

“No worries.” James left my room, closing the door behind him.

The second his footsteps died away, I ran over to the mahogany desk and pulled out a piece of parchment with quill and ink. I paused for a moment, but then the words came to me.

_Dear Lily,_

_This is to let you know I arrived at James’ safely. Bike and me are in one piece. I’ve been thinking about what you said before I left. I definitely want to stay friends, so I thought a good way to start would be talking a bit more. You know, instead of ignoring each other for large blocks of time. And I mean, I’m sure sometime soon we can work out a way to see each other. You know, to hang out. Because mates hang out._

_Anyway, James got me this cool two way mirror so we can chat whenever. It’s really clever. Reminds me of something you would appreciate, the complex magic bit of it. It’s weird to be going to bed in a room with reddish walls instead of yellow ones. I got used to Petunia’s puke yellow—I mean pale yellow, ha ha. It’s also weird to not say goodnight to you._

_I paused. Too much?_

_No. For the past week we said goodnight every night. Friends do that. It’s not like I’m saying I miss smelling like a chick and using her shampoo, that’s creepy._

_So, I figured I would write this letter to say goodnight to you instead. Hope you’re well._

I struggled with my choice of signature.

_Yours,_

_Sirius_

That was the most truthful I could be… without freaking her out.

I put the note in Godric’s leg and sent him off into the night; he was remarkably fast for an owl. I laid in bed awake, hoping a return would be brought back by morning.

My note reached Lily’s bedside in only an hour. She was sitting in a little ball on her bed, eyes out of focus thinking over everything that had transpired in the past week and the conversation she had with her mother. Sirius was attractive, a blind person could see that for Merlin’s sake. He made her feel safe. When they had their little meetings at Hogwarts, and now when they hung out together. But did that mean that she fancied him? 

The point was moot. Sirius would never fancy her back, so what was the advantage of figuring out her own feelings? For one, he didn’t ‘do’ relationships, and Lily was certainly a monogamous relationship type. Also, Sirius was a loyal Gryffindor—loyal to his friends, loyal to James. As long as James kept up his foolish, ridiculous chase than Sirius would never like her. Why did thinking that thought make her stomach sink?

Then an owl was scratching at her window. Lily recognized the handsome bird, but couldn’t remember whom it belonged to. She anxiously unfurled the scroll and smiled at its contents. 

Her mother was passing up to bed and knocked on Lily’s door. 

“Come in.”

“I’m going up to bed, dear. Need anything?”

“Nope, I’m great.” Mrs. Evans’ eyebrows shot up. Lily looked down at the letter in her hands. “Sirius wrote me.” 

“Well, tell him we said hello. And I had to do the dinner dishes all alone tonight! I miss him already; he left the lazy ones behind!” Mrs. Evans restrained herself from commenting further on the conversation they had earlier. 

“Mum!”

“Just joking, love.” She gave Lily a swift kiss on her forehead before retiring.

Lily ran over to her desk and pulled out a quill and ink.

**Dear Sirius,**

**I’m glad you made your journey safely—I would kill you if you didn’t. Mum probably would too. She says hi, and that she misses having someone to help her with dishes, as me and dad are lazy. Her words, not mine.**

**I think talking is a good idea. Seeing each other can be possible too, I’ve written to the floo network to get my fireplace hooked up. I know, not as fast or cool as illegal Apparation, but I don’t have a wizarding house to protect me from underage laws. Once I do that, we could probably meet in Hogsmeade or Diagon Ally.**

**The mirror does sound very interesting, I’d like to see it sometime. And why Petunia went for such a puke shade of yellow is still a mystery to me, but I’m glad you didn’t find it too repulsive. It’s weird not saying goodnight to you too. It’s weird not knowing that you’re close, weird not knowing what you’re up to.**

**But I liked getting your owl, a nice replacement for the real Sirius. He’s a beautiful, is he yours? Good night Sirius.**

**Yours,**

**Lily**

I carefully stowed the letter under my mattress and fell asleep smiling. 

***

The other Marauders arrived the day after me. I could tell James filled them in on my family situation, as they were kinder and refrained from mocking me for the first few days. Honestly, I was grateful because they left me alone and I could write to Lily more. For the next few weeks, owls flew furiously back and forth between us. At least one a day, and up to three if either one of us was particularly bored. 

Our writing started with surface pleasantries and diverged into deeper truths. I told her how Regulus and I used to be great brothers, but he steadily clung to my parent’s beliefs. I told her my aspirations to be an Auror, and how I wish people took me more seriously (no pun intended) at times. I told her I never had a steady girlfriend. I told her I was a virgin. She told me how she and Petunia used to be great sisters, but Petunia turned on her once she started Hogwarts. She told me about her aspirations to be a Healer, and how she wished people saw the lighter side of her at times, her humor. She told me she never fell in love. She told me she was a virgin.

Each of us revealed more of ourselves in each letter and poured out who we were. And yet, we danced around how we felt about each other. There was an invisible line separating our truths and our feelings. I was tempted to cross it several times…

For example, when I wrote: _“All of the girls I’ve been with I never felt that spark, that connection. I’ve never been serious with any of them because I’ve been waiting for something more.”_

What I wanted to say was: SOMEONE MORE. AS IN YOU. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. 

Another letter I said: _“This will probably shock you, as Hogwarts has spread so many rumors about my ‘conquests,’ but I’m a virgin. I dunno, I guess I’m a bit old fashioned, at least in that respect. I think that should be with someone you really care about. Someone you love. Sure I’ve fooled around, but never that. And I don’t tell anyone else because I doubt they’d believe me.”_

What I wanted to say was: IF YOU DATED ME, NOT ONLY BECAUSE YOU’RE BLOODY GORGEOUS, BUT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I WOULD GIVE YOU MY VIRGINITY IN A HEARTBEAT.

You get the picture. It was easier to write my thoughts on parchment because Lily wasn’t in front of me to distract me with her womanly charms. She also wasn’t there to react negatively to anything I said, so I spoke without fear of judgment from her. 

A few weeks passed and we decided we wanted to see each other. Lily successfully hooked her house to the Floo Network and we decided to meet in Diagon Ally. I missed her desperately. In James’ house I wasn’t even allowed to mention her name.

I told the Marauders I was visiting Veronica the slag—I mean, fifth year girl. Their suspicion came from the fact I had never shown a strong interest in one of my snogging partners. 

“Is she who you have been owling all week as well?” James inquired. 

Twinge. I looked away from his eyes. “Yeah.” The only reason I lied was because I knew the truth would hurt him more.

“You must really fancy her,” Peter said.

“Come off it.” I crouched under my bed and attempted to locate my left shoe. 

James chimed back in. “No, mate. Looks like you got it bad.” I stayed silent. “Should I prepare for the wedding in the summer or fall?”

I knew that James was my best mate and he was taking the mickey, but all of a sudden I didn’t find his antics amusing. Was I in love? Yeah. Was I able to do a bloody thing about it? No. I sacrificed Lily for him, and here he was taking the piss. So what if I really was been in love with Veronica? I think the rest of my life was shitty enough that I deserved some happiness. 

“Enough!” James quieted at once. Peter shrank away from the pair of us and Remus stayed in his spot learning against my bedroom threshold. James and I were the only pair that bickered, because we were the most similar out of the group.

“Sirius, I’m—“ James started.

“No.” I stood and walked toward him. “I’ve had enough. Just because you’re in love with a girl who wants nothing to do with you, don’t take it out on me, yeah?” 

James looked like he had been slapped and I instantly regretted my words. He backed out of the room and shut my door noiselessly. Peter scampered after him and Remus lingered, giving me his best Prefect stare. 

Fuck. I felt wretched, but I had to leave or I would be late for Lily. James and I would make up later, we always did. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath to myself. When I opened them, the first thing I saw was my left shoe half in the corner of the room under a discarded jumper.

“Typical,” I muttered.

***

_What if she didn’t show up? What if she really didn’t want to see me? What if James found out?_ I knew all the above thoughts were irrational. Lily suggested meeting up in the first place and James was preoccupied with Moony and Peter. I continued thinking anxious thoughts until I saw her. 

Lily wore a white dress and I noticed her skin tanned quite a bit since the last time I saw her, making freckles darken across the bridge of her nose and her shoulders. The sun was directly behind her, making her dress and hair luminescent. 

“Sirius!” Lily enveloped me in a hug. Merlin, I missed those. I felt the cotton of her dress press against the pads of my fingers and the smell of her familiar shampoo slip wafted into my brain—made it really hard to concentrate. 

“You hungry?” My stomach gave a loud, embarrassing rumble at the moment and she chuckled. “Of course, stupid question. Leaky Cauldron?” All I could do was nod. _Idiot._

We made our way through the crowd and pushed ourselves into an empty table in the corner. “You look tan,” I blurted out.

“Right? I’ve been helping mum with gardening outside, this is the darkest I’ve ever been. Weird.” Lily stared down at her hand. “I’ve got all these horrid freckles as well peaking out.” Her index finger traced a few on her forearm.

“I like them.” I watched her carefully. 

She scrunched up her nose. “Really?”

“Really.” I reached across the table to rub my thumb across a couple on her hand. I saw a faint blush crawl up her cheeks and she pulled her hand back to tuck a stay piece of hair behind her ear.

Lily dramatically shut her eyes. “How is James?” 

I laughed. “Proud you called him by his first name, pretty good up until this morning.” 

“Why?” Lily was interested now.

I hesitated, not sure how much I should reveal. “Well, I told him I was writing to this fifth year and he was taking the mickey about coming to visit her, well you, and I snapped on him.”

“What did you say?” 

I knew I couldn’t tell Lily her name was brought up. “It wasn’t my best ‘good mate moment,’ that’s for sure. But we always make up.”

“I’m sure you will.”

We fell into a comfortable silence, filled with unspoken thoughts. We soon finished our lunch and walked around Diagon Ally. It was gorgeous outside, so we headed down the road a bit, outside of the busy parts of town and sat down on a patch of grass. 

Lily started pulling out strands and turned to me. “Why don’t you tell James you are friends with me?” 

“He wouldn’t understand,” I said quickly.

“But you’re his best mate and wouldn’t he believe your word over anything?” 

Yes, James was fiercely loyal and would never believe me to deceive him. But I would be lying to him still if I said I was just friends with Lily, because I was more in love with her than he could ever conceive. And I doubt, as good of an actor that I was, I could hide that feeling from my face when I spoke about her.

I tried to make a good enough excuse for Lily to drop the subject. “It would be seen as a betrayal.” 

Lily crossed her arms, her tone a bit more cross. “You have a right to talk to whoever you please.” 

“Of course, I do. But James would give anything to be in my spot right now. I feel like it’s like gloating, telling him I’m on good terms with you. That, and he would make me talk him up all the time to you.” I made these conditions up very quickly, and was pleased to find they sounded satisfactory. 

Lily paused a moment. “I guess you know him better than I do.” 

I searched desperately in my brain for a change of subject. “So what else have you been doing these last few weeks?” Yes, yes good. Ask about her life. Shift focus from yourself to her. 

“Well, the gardening.” Lily’s eyes shifted down to her hands in her lap. “I’ve missed you.”

The words were spoken so softly I barely heard her. “Come again?”

“I’ve missed you,” she said more boldly. I let the words wash over me. Lily started to look embarrassed and I remember I haven’t said anything back. _Idiot! Again!_

“I’ve missed you too,” I replied quickly. “Loads,” I added for good measure, meaning every word. I reached in between us and clutched her hand, needing to be connected to her at that moment. Mates held hands… right? 

Lily looked relieved and her hand melted into mine. Lily laid back and let the sun kiss her skin. I took her lead and laid parallel in the grass next to her. 

“You realize the last time we were horizontal on the dirt we had just come out of mayhem.” 

Lily smiled. “I’m still impressed you pulled off Apparation.”

“Still? Maybe I should use that as a key selling point for myself.”

“You don’t need any more selling points.” Lily’s smile faded. “Trust me.” Her face turned away from me to look at the sky, her teeth having a firm grip on her lower lip. I didn’t know what to make of her comment…

I tried to lighten the mood. “Hogwarts heartbreaker, right?” From all our owls Lily knew the nickname was a farce.

Lily kept her eyes on the sky and chuckled darkly. “Oh yes. Irresistible to all.” 

How on earth was I supposed to navigate this conversation with all the thick sexual tension? Or was I completely bonkers and imagining it? I wouldn’t put it past myself. There was one way to find out… test the waters. 

“Not to all.”

Lily’s interest was piqued. “What do you mean?” Her voice was little breathier than usual, and her grip on my hand tightened involuntarily. 

“Just that not every girl finds me irresistible. There are girls out of my league.” I tried to gauge her reaction. 

Lily rolled her eyes. “Oh really? Name one girl you set your sights on who didn’t return your affections.” 

Merlin, wherever you are—you are a cruel, vicious, masochistic wizarding deity. You are handing me the epitome of perfect moments, which with any other woman, I could admit my affections and sweep her off her feet into the sunset. But I can’t do any of that, seeing I’m in a strop with my best mate who just so happens to be in love with Lily. 

“It hasn’t happened yet,” I said flatly, hating myself. “But it could.”

Lily snorted. “Exactly. The sunset is gorgeous.”

My eyes were trained on Lily’s face, sunset be damned. “Yeah, it is.” I wish I could live on this hill, clutching Lily’s hand.

“I’ve got to go soon. I told mum I’d be home by dark, she worries since I’ve tried explaining what being a Mudblood means to some people.” 

“Don’t call yourself that,” I said sharply. 

Lily shrugged and sat up, finally breaking our connection. “Why not? It’s rubbish anyway, I don’t care what people call me.” 

“It’s just so…” I tried to find the word, “degrading. You’re much better than that, you’re smarter than half of the stupid pure bloods anyway.” 

“Smarter than you,” Lily teased. 

“Exactly.”

Lily hopped up, brushing grass off her dress. “I won’t say it if it bothers you.” 

“Thank you.” I followed her lead and got up. 

We wandered back to the Leaky Cauldron in preparation to floo home. The pub was almost deserted, as we missed the dinner rush. Only Tom lingered, polishing various glasses. _How do I say goodbye? What would a mate do? Shake hands?_ We turned toward each other. _Shit. Turn again, I haven’t decided yet._

“Goodbye, Sirius.” Lily was one step ahead of me, as per usual.

“Goodbye, Lily.” She did that dumb, alluring lip-biting thing again. Lily took a step forward and for one stupid second I thought she was going to snog me, but she wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her head into my chest, the highest spot she could reach. 

I responded automatically and kissed the top of her head… platonically… Let’s go with that. We stayed embraced for a long time… My self control waned with each moment. I had to break our embrace or I would snog the life out of her any second. 

“Be safe.” I backed away, putting a safe distance in between us. 

Lily winked. “Always am.” She grabbed floo powder and stepped up to the flames. “4 Privet Drive!” In one green swish, she was gone.


	6. First Name Basis

**The Fall of 6th Year**

As a result of our strop, James gave me plenty of space with unquestioned and unlimited use of his owl. Lily and I kept in touch feverishly and I knew, without a doubt, that I was hopelessly in love with her. 

No other girl would ever compare, and I stopped trying to think about ones to match up. I lost the urge to try and snog or charm other girls and I developed a one track mind. Naturally, I had to hide my emotions from James but I couldn’t keep my guard up all hours of the day. Several times during my stay Lupin walked in on me reading Lily’s letters and smiling to myself. Lupin was quiet and observational by nature, and never vocalized any curiosity; he merely took in my expression before backing out of whatever room we were in and shutting the door behind him. 

As I suspected (and hoped), James and I were able to patch things up and the rest of holiday went along nicely. The summer ended without incident and we were ready to start our sixth year. I missed the great feasts, seeing our fellow Gryffindors, quidditch, and of course Lily. 

Unfortunately once James realized how close September first was, he started concocting new schemes to win Lily’s affections. 

“I honestly think I’ve got it this time,” James said during breakfast the morning of our departure to King’s Cross. 

“Oh good,” Lupin said, much more sarcastically than normal. 

“How to make your hair lay flat?” I asked cheekily. 

James returned my wit with a glare. “No. How to woo Evans!” My stomach churned like muggle butter and I pushed my half eaten omelet away, no longer hungry. James did not notice as he continued on enthusiastically. “I’m going to curse the end of my broomstick to shoot out smoke and I’ll spell out an invitation during the first quidditch match!” 

Lupin laughed. “Haven’t your previous public displays of affection gotten you nowhere, Prongs?” 

“What if it’s already cloudy outside?” Peter contributed dimly. 

“Then you charm the smoke red! Honestly, Peter... And yes, but this time I will be on a broomstick and girls cannot resist me on a broomstick,” James reasoned.

“Lily doesn’t go to quidditch matches,” I said, picking up the Daily Prophet and perusing the front page. “She goes and studies in the library because it’s quiet.” 

The clanking of silverware and glasses halted as they all stared at me. 

What? 

Oh, right. 

Knowing distinctly personal details about Lily Evans, who for all intents and purposes I never held a full conversation with by myself, is remarkably unusual. 

I glanced up from the Prophet at my friends. “Isn’t she always in the library? She always goes on about how people ‘misuse the resource’ for ‘childish socializing,” I mimicked Lily in a heinous, high pitched, unkind vibrato. James and Peter cracked smiles but Lupin remained silent, staring at me and then my half eaten omelet pushed to the center of the table. 

“Right you are, mate.” James said, inhaling a piece of toast. “That could have been wasted effort.” 

“Ha ha,” I chuckled weakly. “You’re right.” 

Lupin continued to analyze me too much for my liking until we departed for the Hogwarts Express. 

***

“Another year, another opportunity for your young minds to absorb all the learning they can!” Dumbledore swept his arms up. “And then promptly clean it out for the next year. I do hope you all emptied yourselves over the holidays to make room.” A few chuckles omitted floated in the festive air. 

“At this time, more than ever, I would hope you take with you imperative knowledge that will serve you well inside these halls,” Dumbledore paused for a moment somberly and peered over his half- mooned spectacles, “and out.”

The hall erupted in whispers. First years looked completely terrified, but older students who followed the news nodded somberly. I saw Lily nod vigorously toward the headmaster out of the corner of my eye. I stifled a smile and then nudged James. We spent the rest of Dumbledore’s speech trying to charm Snape’s hair lighter and lighter shades of gray until he noticed and muttered a quick countercurse.

Snape’s greasy hair fell over half of his face and he glared at the Marauders from one eye. James waved and I smirked. Even though Snape was a Prefect, he would never turn us in for this small example of harassment. Ever since he earned the title the year before, Snape decided he would handle us himself, which worked smashingly for us. 

The feast came to an end and the four of us hung back until the hall emptied of the over-eager first and second years. 

“That was a bit more dreary than some years, eh?” James noted.

“These are dark times,” I said quietly. My musings were cut short as James’ attention shifted elsewhere.

“Lily!” he called out loudly as she attempted to pass him unnoticed. I couldn’t control the lurch my heart gave as she turned around. 

I could tell her mouth was set to tell James off, but her eyes met mine and the corners of her lips melted. I saw her take a deep breath. “Is there something I can help you with, James?” 

James looked like he could have been knocked over with a feather. He was so shocked he completely forgot to speak, never having progressed this far in a conversation with Lily without an insult being cast his direction. 

“I… I…” the stammering was his only form of expression and a quick smile twitched on Lily’s features. 

“Yes?” she said, in a restrained voice. 

“I’m sorry,” he spat out finally, and Lily’s face softened. “About what happened at the end of last term… It got out of hand and I’m sorry you were so upset. I was an arse.” 

I had to give James credit, he sounded genuine and I could tell he meant what he said. 

“I appreciate the apology,” Lily said briskly, “and I can tell you mean it.” James for once looked hopeful in Lily’s presence… something I was surprised to note made a twinge of jealousy rope itself into my stomach. “But it doesn’t change anything.” 

Hook, line, and sinker. James’ face dropped and I’m ashamed to say I felt a sense of triumph at his defeat. 

“If you’ll excuse me.” Lily put her head down before making a beeline for Gryffindor common room. 

“Ouch,” Peter said as she walked away.

However, James face lightened after the initial shock. “She called me by first name the whole conversation! And, AND!” He paused for dramatic effect, “she didn’t throw ONE insult at me! I’m telling you, this is the year of change, I swear things are going to happen!” 

As we reached the portrait hole and entered the common room Lupin said under his breath, “I think things already have.”

Luckily, James was still ranting and did not pay any attention to his best mate, but I shifted uncomfortably. _What did Lupin know?_

The common room buzzed with activity, as none of its occupants had classes or homework yet to dampen the mood. First years were in awe of the decorations and size as the older students lazed about the fire, exchanging stories of their holidays spent in exotic places. 

Of course my eyes only sought out one fellow Gryffindor, and I quickly found her curled up in the corner, clutching a quill and a small leather book. Lily looked enraptured by her current activity, so I let her be. I also remembered this was not 4 Privet Drive; I could not approach her and have conversations with her whenever I pleased. 

As the hours winded into early morning, students trooped one by one up to bed and the fiery redhead in the dark corner went unnoticed by almost all… all who weren’t stark raving in love with her.

“Are you coming?” Remus called out to me as he supported a semi-conscious Peter on his shoulder. 

“In a few,” I replied back, staring into the fire; I craved a moment alone with Lily. 

“See you in a bit!” James called, already bounding up the stairs, no doubt hoping to be the first into the dormitories to set up some prank on an unexpecting marauder (usually Peter). 

Once I was certain we were alone, I felt it was safe to turn around and face Lily. She was ready and her eyes met me in a fierce stare. Lily walked over to me.

“Hi,” I said lamely.

“Hi,” she returned. “It’s good to see you.”

“Yes.” I cursed myself for sounding like a lame thirteen year old schoolgirl. The air hung stale for a moment, and I saw a flush creep over Lily’s cheeks, or was that the firelight?

“Even if I can’t speak to you in public,” she said quietly and I could tell her feelings were hurt.

“Lily…” I started, not exactly what words I would say to comfort her.

“I mean I get it, James thinks he’s in love with me and that makes everything…”

“Impossible,” I said in a pained tone.

“Complex,” she said at the same time. “It’s just, after everything that we… I mean, we’ve spent so much…” her cheeks reddened with each incomplete phrase. 

Although I was morbidly curious as to what else would spew out of her mouth, I decided to save her. “I meant what I said. I want to be friends...I’m just not sure how yet.”

Lily nodded thoughtfully for a moment, staring into the fire embers. “How about we go to Hogsmeade at the end of the week?”

“First weekend is never a Hogsmeade weekend,” I pointed out. 

“I know,” Lily said. I recognized the glint in her eyes from our last bad tryst with fate. 

“Lily Evans, what on earth have I done to you,” I marveled at her. 

“Given me a much needed loosening up,” she replied proudly and I barked out laughter. 

“Okay, fine. But this time you actually have to LISTEN to my plan.” Even with Voldemort on the rise, no one would dare cross Dumbledore, so I was sure the village was safe. For good measure I would borrow the cloak from James and stick to unpopulated areas. 

Lily rolled her eyes, “Yes, yes.”

“Merlin, you’ve gotten cheeky.”

“Yes. I tried earlier,” she said suddenly. “With Pott—James. I know it’s important to you and he’s your best mate so maybe it would make it easier if we were cordial.”.

“You made his night,” I said laughing.

“I wasn’t THAT nice!” she exclaimed incredulously.

“Doesn’t matter. You called him James,” I said. Her mouth snapped shut and she shook her head. 

“I don’t understand him,” she said finally. After a few silent moments she let out a large yawn. “But I should still nip up to bed. I don’t want to be late to class tomorrow morning.”

“Ahh, the old Lily I know and love.” The words spilled out before I realized what I said. The L word stuck to us and penetrated every pore. Her green eyes looked at mine and I tried the best I could to dilute the palpable tension. “Bed?” I offered weakly. 

“Right,” she agreed quickly and jumped off the sofa as if it had electricity coursing through it. We walked to the stairs and Lily turned toward me. “Good night, Sirius.” 

“Night, Lily.” 

She linked her fingers in mine and my mind was clouded by her touch. Lily took a step closer and wrapped her arms around my waist. I buried myself in her hair, clutching her head to my chest and kissing the top of her head. I wished we could stay in this easy moment, alone and free from any burdens. I often wished I could freeze time with Lily; when I was with her my dark history didn’t matter and neither did the increasingly dark future. 

“It’s good to have you around,” I said when we pulled apart. 

“Back at you, Black.” Lily turned to ascend the girl’s stairs. She waved about half way up before turning around and bouncing up to the dormitories. It took me a minute to remember I should be going to my own dorm and I shook my head once to rid myself of the Lily haze. As if one contraction of my neck muscles could do what six years of time could not. 

***

The thought of sneaking out with Lily to Hogsmeade got me through my first week of classes. Between lessons and Quidditch practice, I was surprised when I realized it was Friday. Lily and I had Ancient Runes together sans marauders (I was good with numbers, but Peter and James dropped out after the first week and Remus had no interest), which was perfect for plotting. I expected Lily to back out as the time grew closer. But the entire week she planned with fearless confidence, and I knew better than to doubt her. Night time would be trickier to pull off; teachers took part of nightly rounds with Prefects as Voldemort’s numbers grew every day. Because of this, we decided Saturday day would be prudent. 

It was almost dawn before I could finally calm my nerves enough to give into my heavy eyelids Friday night. And yet, instead of the usual drudgery of waking up, I felt invigorated and hopped out of my four poster. 

“Where on earth are you going?” Remus asked, just finishing up getting up. I forgot he woke up early (I never was conscious to see it). Bullocks.

“To… eat.” I said, which was not entirely untrue. Lily and I would be eating at some point today.

“Brilliant, I need a spot of breakfast myself,” Remus said brightly. _Think fast, think fast, think fast._

“But actually,” I said dramatically, grabbing my abdomen. “I don’t feel so great.” I ran into the common bathroom and slammed the door, faking retching noises. “Just go on without me!” I cried out more fake moans. I could picture Remus’ form hesitating behind the door, fighting his gut reaction to rush in after me and total disgust for what he thought I was doing. 

“Are you sure?” He called out gingerly. I let out another loud, fake belch. “Anything I can get you?” he added.

“No… just go on mate, I’m going to have a lay in.” I called out. Please, please bugger off.

“Okay… I’ll be back after to check on you!” he called. NO.

“No, don’t worry, I’m going to go to…the infirmary!” Yes, that will keep him at bay. If he knows I’m getting treated. For my fake illness. 

“Good!” he called, obviously relieved. “Let me know if you need help.” I finally heard him retreat from the dormitory. 

I stopped making noise immediately, praying I hadn’t woken the rest of my peers. I snuck out of the bathroom tentatively and found the entire room of boys to be silent and motionless. I checked my watch, a gift from James’ parents, and saw it was close to Lily’s meeting time.

I cursed under my breath and moved toward James’ trunk. I casted a quick Mufflato and hastily opened the trunk. I moved my hand around its contents until I discovered the two objects necessary for my plan: the silken material of his invisibility cloak and the crinkle of our own invention, The Marauder’s Map. I stowed both under my jumper and headed out the common room to the one- eyed witch statue. Lily up early on a Saturday morning would be of no surprise to anyone, but I needed to dodge all company carefully, worried word may somehow reach Remus and he’d come looking for me.

I get closer to my destination, and see Lily has beaten me there. Typical. She’s trying to look natural, but failing abysmally as her nervous eyes dart from painting to painting. Finally, they rest on me and her nervous ticks cease. _Does she really feel that safe with me?_

I kept silent, afraid of disturbing the slumbering portraits. I walked to the statue and whispered the spell, catching a glimpse of Lily’s surprise as the hump moved. I turned and offered her my hand to climb up and descend first. 

I was careful to only reveal this one secret passage to her, instead of all seven. One, because it felt like Marauder treachery—we all worked hard to figure out ways out of the castle I couldn’t give away all our information and secrets. Plus, the passage under the Whomping Willow could lead her to danger. Or death. Or at least too many questions I was in no position to answer. 

We traveled to Hogsmede quite seamlessly, easily laughing and mapping out plans of our day. Once the passage began to slope upwards, I threw the invisibility cloak over the two of us. Even though I told Lily about the cloak in the planning phase of our trip, she still gasped out of awe when the silvery curtain hung over her. What I did not anticipate was how tall I was, and that we both needed to duck and be close together. Very close together. 

All I could smell was Lily and I had to constantly pull my thoughts away from how I could use this tunnel alone with her…

We started ascending stairs quickly and Lily quieted, knowing we were close to the cellar. We both stopped when our heads hit ceiling and I gently lifted the square in the floor to make sure no people were occupying our exit. All I could see was a thick layer of dust, and I knew that we must be in the clear. On past busier weekends the old shopkeeper frequently had to shuffle downstairs to restock, but I believed it was early enough in the day that the basement would remain vacant. 

I shoved off the cover and hoisted myself out of the hole and pulled the cloak over me. I chuckled at the gasp Lily let out, “Expecting something a bit stealthier, Evans?” I asked as I grabbed her hands to help her pull herself up. Her eyes were wide and she quickly ducked under the cloak with me.

“That was careless!” she hissed at me as she quickly took out her wand and muttered words I couldn’t hear, replacing the slab of concrete in the floor and the dust that had been disturbed by our entrance. 

“I was going to do that next,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I have done this a few times.” 

“More than I care to know, I expect,” she said. Leave it to Lily Evans to make me feel guilty as we’re breaking a dozen school rules. 

“Cummon, let’s get a move on,” I said, and started walking. The cloak immediately slipped off Lily as she wasn’t used to moving in tandem. I spun back around and threw the thin silvery material back over her. 

“Stand in front, it’ll be easier, I’ll follow you.” I said.

“Sorry,” she said quietly, and sounded a bit embarrassed. 

I linked my arm around her waist to be able to keep her from walking too far ahead. I heard her breath hitch and started, “I’m sorry, is this okay?” I asked, taking my arm off her waist for a moment (I should have directed the question at myself and my waning self composure).

“Yes,” she said and placed it back around her. We slowly shuffled across the floor and up the stairs. 

“Easy,” I whispered as we pushed the cellar door open, hoping for it to seem as if a gust of wind was the culprit. 

I was hoping at some point I would develop and immunity to her scent, her looks, to her ANYTHING which would make this easier. It seemed unlikely. I was lost in my thoughts as we slowly progressed through the deserted store. 

I didn’t realize we were outside until Lily stopped walking, “Where to?”

“I think we’re safe.” I pulled the cloak off and stowed it in my pocket. 

“Cummon,” I grabbed Lily’s hand—it was almost second nature now. Almost. My speeding pulse would never slow at her touch. 

She followed until--“The Shrieking Shack?”

“Is that its name now?” I asked, mildly bemused thinking about the monthly trips here with my mates. My thoughts lingered over Remus’ painful transformations, “That’s fitting.” I conceited. 

“It’s supposed to be haunted,” Lily stated, not suppressing her slight hesitancy. 

“Scared, Evans?” 

“No!” she said defensively. “Just saying what I’ve heard ‘round the castle.” 

I chuckled, but immediately stopped when I saw who was about to cross our path. Lily stopped walking all together, jolting my hand backwards. 

His slimy face broke out into a grin that made my flesh crawl. It took all my self control to not jinx it off on the spot.

“Snivellius,” I said as he finally reached us. His smile did falter as it fell on our entwined hands. Good. Stupid sod.

“Black,” he countered coldly. “Or have you permanently changed it to Potter? I noticed your absence from the family tapestry when I visited this summer.”

I don’t know which made me madder, commenting on the Potter name like it was disgusting or the fact he walked the halls of my house.

“Leave it, Severus,” Lily snapped, finding her voice at last. His face softened when it met her steely glare, and said nothing. His eyes obviously found their way back down to our locked hands, and I felt uncomfortable for the first time under his calculating look. Lily’s face colored red and she hastily pulled away her hand from my grip. _What was going on?_

He started to stalk past us and Lily shouted as he left, “This is how it is now, yeah?” He stopped and spun around, I had never seen him more— _human_ looking. It was really throwing me for a loop. 

“I think you’ve made it clear which side you’re on,” he spat dangerously, glaring at me.

“And so did you, last May!” Lily shook her head in disgust. “Five years! Five years, Severus and you just cast it aside like it, like it was nothing! I’m glad our friendship meant so much to you.” I had never heard her voice so cutting. I was beyond keeping up, I just watched the fight progress, shocked that for once I was the calm one in a situation involving Snape. 

He stumbled forward and his voice was pleading, “Lily, that’s not true, it—“ 

“Get away from me!” she screeched and pulled her hands back that he tried to grab. Her cry broke my trance of disbelief and I grabbed for my wand. “I trusted you! We grew up together, Sev!” I saw angry tears tracing themselves down her cheek and was flummoxed. 

Snape looked as if he was in physical pain. “Lily, if you’d just listen. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Bullocks! You knew what you were doing! You knew where this would go once you started hanging out with them! You knew I would never join them, you knew it would come to a choice.” She wiped her cheeks. “And you made it.” The alley was utterly silent as I watched them watch each other’s faces intently. For the first time outside of Black Manor, I felt invisible. 

“I may be a mudblood,” she said, holding her head high. “And a girl. But I’m twice the wizard you’ll ever be. You’re a coward, Sev.” His face was crushed. 

“That’s what he’s telling you, yeah?” he shot back bitterly, nodding in my direction. “That _I’m_ a coward? The boy that ran out on his family?” I was used to Slytherin taunts about my family, this was nothing new. I knew the truth and could care less. But Lily was seething. She reached in her robes for her wand.

“Don’t talk about him like that. He’s been more of a friend to me than you ever were.” She said fiercely, and I all of a sudden in a rush knew why she had been chosen for Gryffindor. Her loyalty.

“Yeah I’m sure all he has is friendship on his mind,” he said suggestively, sending a look of disgust at me and grabbed his own wand out of his pocket, aiming it my direction.

“LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!” Lily shot a jet of green light at Severus, blasting him back fifteen feet. My eyes widened, I had never seen Lily out of control. He got up from the ground and lifted his wand to retaliate, and something inside of me snapped.

I jumped in between the two and shot a body-binding curse at Snape. I watched him fall stiff as a board to the ground. I spun around to Lily, whose eyes were trained on his form on the cobblestoned path. 

“Are you—?“ I started with my hand out.

“I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!” She snapped. I couldn’t keep up with her today; I had no clue what I’d done.

“Lily, I know! When I saw him turn on you something snapped and I—“ 

“I’m capable of handling one Slytherin. It was my battle. Not yours.” 

“It was sure as hell mine, I was brought up quite a bit if you didn’t notice!” I countered, stubborn Black traits asserting themselves. I wasn’t going to apologize for defending Lily. For defending what I loved. 

“Oh he was just trying to bait you!” she shot back, “you know that. And you fell for it!” 

“Trying to bait _me_?” I said in disbelief. “You threw the first curse, which I mean, was brilliant, but—“

“You don’t even know,” she said lowly. “You don’t know what it was for. This wasn’t your fight.” She lowered her wand and backed up from Severus, still bound by my curse. “I don’t need it to happen again.” She whispered, her eyes furiously going between Severus and me.

And before I could call after her, she turned and ran, leaving me stunned behind.


	7. Three Options

After being mates with the Marauders for six years, I had witnessed confusing things. Take for example the time a transfiguration practice session went wrong and James got himself a tea kettle for a head. For a month every time he sneezed steam came out his ears. And then, there was the time Peter fashioned himself a headdress of onions because he read it kept away vampires. It took him three weeks to realize me and James had written the fake article and left it for him to read. 

But I had never been more flummoxed than the time Lily Evans shouted at Snape, shouted at me, and then took off. Not only was it incredibly out of character (the shouting at me bit) but it was stupid beyond belief to be traveling around Hogsmede or any place alone during these times. Especially when one didn’t have a broom, or knowledge of illegal apparition. 

It took me a minute to take off in the direction Lily started running, and I for once I had no idea where she would be. Whenever Lily ran from stressful situations before, it was to me…. Where was she going now? Clearly, she had no desire to be found. 

I looked around Hogsmeade for hours under the invisibility cloak, and then finally had the sense to check the Marauder’s Map. Common room… dorm…. Library.

Of course. 

I felt a huge sense of relief as I saw her dot motionless on the map, safe. I was out of breath from my tireless search and took a large gulp of autumn air. If I looked at the map a sooner I would have seen Lily’s dot interacting with someone else…

***

Lily threw herself out of the one- eyed witch statue with careless abandon. Her steps echoed around the deserted corridor and she couldn’t bring herself to care. The paintings had faces of shock and one whispered, “Not the Evans girl! She was always so good!” 

“Shut up!” she spat back at them. 

“Lily? Is that you?” A voice questioned.

“Merlin, are you all right?” he asked in surprise, eyeing her tear stained face, dirt covered hands and askew hair. 

“I’m fine, Remus.” Lily said.

“You sure? You know, I can listen well. How else could I be friends with Sirius and James for so long?” Remus noticed the way her eyes darkened at Sirius’ name.

“Thanks,” she said stiffly, yanking her hair into place. “I was just off to the library.”

“Excellent, well I’m off to the hospital wing so I can walk with you a bit,” he said brightly, not willing to let an obviously distressed Lily be alone. They were Prefects together, after all, and fellow Gryffindors. 

“Hospital wing?” Lily asked. Remus was sick an awful lot, and she suddenly felt bad for lying and not paying more attention to her co- Prefect’s condition. Her head had been in the clouds this week.

“For once it’s not me!” Remus laughed. “Sirius was sick this morning. I want to check up on him, see if he wanted anything for entertainment.”

Lily’s eyes widened, “No!” The laughter died off Remus’ face and it was quickly replaced by confusion.

“No really, he was retching in our bathroom—“

“No,” Lily said shaking her head, recovering her little bit of composure. “I... I saw him walking around. I don’t think he’s there anymore.”

Remus’ eyes moved from Lily’s dirt stained hands to the one-eyed witch statue. There was no possible way she could know the passageway…

Unless she had been with a Marauder. 

Suddenly small things seemed to make sense. Remus thought back to Lily showing kindness to James, the owls flying back and forth from Sirius’ window all summer. Sirius’ mysterious outing to Diagon Ally... If he was meeting with Veronica, why hadn’t he been with her at all this week? In fact, Sirius stayed far away from any girls...

Lupin looked back and saw Lily staring down at the floor. “Thanks,” he said quietly. “I’m sure you know the way to the library by yourself after all these years,” he said in a small voice. As he turned to leave he saw a flash of fear in Lily’s eyes and his thoughts were confirmed.

Wherever Sirius was, he had some explaining to do.

***

Before I faced James, Lily, or Snape for that matter, I needed to figure out what the hell was going on. My feet aimlessly wandered to the local pub where a rather young and attractive girl worked the bar. I ordered firewhiskey after firewhiskey and maybe if this had been a year ago, the smiles and winks she passed my way would have worked. 

I tried to sort through Lily’s conversation with Snape; it was clear they had been much closer friends than I anticipated. I had a flash of his look of disgust when he noticed our interlocked hands and how Lily pulled away… were they _more_ than friends?

My stomach rolled, but not from the firewhiskey. The thought of Lily with any other guy, especially Severus Snape, made me physically ill. Clearly, whatever they had was over. What about all that talk about sides and joining up... was Severus becoming a death eater? Was Hogwarts already in Lord Voldemort’s clutches?

Then there was James. And Lily. And James being in love with Lily. And me being in love with Lily. And Snape being in love with Lily. And Lily being in love with… who? Severus? Me? My head was spinning when I finally stumbled out of the pub and found my way back to the Shrieking Shack without making a buffoon of myself. 

The underground tunnel to the Whomping Willow had never been so long, but taking the One- Eyed witch passageway so many times in one day seemed a bit dodgy. The castle would definitely be more populated now than it was this morning. The walk gave me time to sober up and form a plan. I would put back the cloak and map, and then find Lily to talk and get to the bottom of why she was upset. 

I executed the first part of the plan seamlessly. I deposited the items back in James’ trunk in Gryffindor tower. But when I turned to leave, Remus was leaning against the exit and scared me out of my wits.

“Merlin, Moony!” I exclaimed, clutching my chest. “You scared the piss out of me.”

Remus did not smile, laugh or show any sign of friendliness on his face. “How are you feeling?” 

“Wha--? Oh!” I remembered my act this morning. “Loads better, thanks mate. I think Prongs or Wormy were playing a prank.” I threw a smile in. 

Remus’ eyes were trained on my face. “Where were you?” 

“What do you mean?”

“Map? Cloak? You don’t need those in the Hospital Wing,” Remus said, still not moving from his tense stance. The back of my neck started to sweat and itch uncomfortably.

“I forgot I knicked ‘em off James earlier this week, I was just putting them back.” I hoped my voice didn’t sound as panicked as I felt.

“I saw Lily today.” His eyes shifted to resemble steel, more unkind than I had ever seen them. 

_Relax,_ I told myself. _This could be a coincidence._

“Was she hexing James?” I said jokingly.

“She was outside the one- eyed witch passageway.” 

“Loads of students go down that corridor, Moony,” I reasoned. Which was completely true, albeit it was a complete rotten bit of luck she ran into him at that moment. I’m sure Lily did not have a list of lies and alcohol laden composure to lean on. 

“Stop it.” Lupin shook his head and started moving toward me. “Tell me the truth. What’s going on with you and Lily?” 

I froze. Lupin’s face softened. “I’m not going to yell at you, or lecture you, I’m just concerned. For both of you. And other people as well, as your friend for six years I deserve to know.”

I let out a deep breath. “Sit down,” I said and I told him. From the first time we had ever been each other’s source of comfort, to staying at her house, to the trip to Diagon Ally, to today. 

“Merlin,” Remus muttered under his breath. 

“I know,” I wish I had another firewhiskey to drain.

He looked at my face for a full minute before speaking. “You really care about her, don’t you?”

I ran my fingers through my hair and cradled my head in my arms. “Unbearably.” I was suddenly pinched by anger. “And I’ve done NOTHING about it. Why? Because of James’ stupid crush! He doesn’t know her like I do! He doesn’t know about her family, her favorite muggle things, what music she likes, what she does every morning, he knows NOTHING. I’ve known girls for an hour and snogged them senseless, but in love with Lily Evans for three years? Nope. Can’t make a move on her. No clue if she even likes me back.” I punched the floor and bit my lip to hold back a cry of pain. Stupid stone castle.

Lupin looked as calm as ever and absorbed my anger in silence. “You’re in love with her.” Really, that’s what he takes from this? My silence spoke volumes. I stared at the ground, refusing to admit the hopelessness of my situation.

“You’re truly a good friend. I know you don’t love easily, you’ve never cared for another girl like this, or even another person outside of me and James and Peter. I know this must be tearing you up.” _Only every moment of every day._

“What are you going to do?”

I’ve asked myself ever since I sat down on Lily Evans’ doorstep and accepted her invitation to stay at her house.

“The way I see it you have three options. One, cut off all ties with Lily.” 

I grimaced and turned white. “That’s—“

“Less than ideal, obviously,” he said calmly. That was an understatement. “Two, you go patch things up with her and see where they go and continue lying to James. Three, you go patch things up and tell James. They’re not dating. Yes, he cares for her, but Sirius we’re sixteen. They’re not engaged, they’re not getting married, and Merlin, they’ve never even been on a date. James is popular, good looking, and there will be plenty of girls for him. I know it feels like betrayal, but that’s because you’re hiding it. James would die for you, he wants you to be happy. You at least owe him the truth.” 

Cor, that was well put. I tried to figure out those three options for three years. When put like that, it made me and Lily being together seem so inconsequential and easy. Yes, all four of us Marauders were best friends, but me and James were brothers. I called his feelings a “stupid crush” in my moment of anger, but I know his affection for Lily ran deeply. At the moment, there was nothing to tell! We weren’t anything; I never even kissed her for Merlin’s sake. So what do I do?

Lupin was staring at me, but didn’t look like he was expecting an answer. More as if he was seeing me for the first time; my explanation was something he did not expect and possibly didn’t believe me to be capable of. 

“What would you do?” I asked back.

“I’ve never loved anyone like that either,” he said with a sad smile. What he didn’t add was: _and as a werewolf I probably never will._ I felt a rush of pity his low self-esteem because of his condition. Any girl would be lucky to have him, much more so than me—the rebellious, callous Black. “All I know is if I felt what you did, I wouldn’t be able to give it up.” He put a hand on my shoulder to stand. “I’m here to listen whenever you need it, mate. And to stay silent as well.” He shut the dormitory door gently behind him.

I sat, my head swimming with thoughts until I slipped into a firewhiskey induced catatonic rest, vowing to figure out which of the three options I was acting on.

***

“Are you sure?” The blonde man asked. His face was young, but cold. He graduated Hogwarts nearly a decade ago, but still had roots within the walls; he was a recruiter. 

Snape thought back to the afternoon and his trip to the abandoned Hogs Head Pub. He thought about Lily and Black holding hands and their fight. He saw the anger in Lily’s eyes compared to the way she looked at him. Snape knew Lily would never look at him that way, he ruined it. There was no going back now. 

“Yes,” Snape said coolly. 

“Good.” Lucius Malfoy took an idle sip of his firewhisky. “The Dark Lord will be meeting the new recruits all at once to decide your… loyalty.” His lazy tone made it clear he felt entitled over the young greasy boy. 

“Is that necessary?” Snape said, slightly on edge. 

“Naturally. The Dark Lord does not want anyone weak of mind,” he said his eyes lingering on Snape, “that’s not a problem, is it?” 

“Of course not,” Snape spat darkly.

“I’ll let you know when.” Malfoy polished off his firewhisky in a neat gulp.

Snape did not wait to see him finish, slamming some silver on the table and leaving the pub to storm back to the castle. He headed straight to the library and checked out the first book he could find on Occlumency. 

***

I slept off the incredibly poor liquid choices and felt ashamed. I was acting like a bloody idiot, not dealing with anything. I had to speak with Lily first, and then find a way to deal with James as well. Remus was right about one thing (usually about everything), James deserved the truth from me. 

I figured I’d wait a bit so I didn’t approach Lily when she was still fuming. I knew her well enough and had seen her upset so many times; I knew coming to her before she was ready was a mistake. I didn’t want to end up cursed like Snape. I was not surprised Lily was as far away as possible from me at the Gryffindor table at breakfast Monday morning. I looked wistfully in her direction, and Lupin knowingly exchanged a glance with me. I remembered to compose myself before James’ morning haze wore off. We trekked to potions and I was more grim than usual. 

My mates quickly caught onto my melancholy disposition and James was the first to question, “What’s got your wand in a knot this morning?”

“Er-“

“Is it Victoria?” Peter asked bluntly. I didn’t notice the group of gaggling girls behind us until Remus hit Peter on the arm and jerked his finger back to point them out. They ran ahead of us, wide eyed ready to share what they had just heard: Sirius Black was distraught over a girl named Victoria. 

“Yeah, erm. We stopped er, hanging out together.” I finished lamely.

James’ smirk quickly changed into a sympathetic grimace. “I’m sorry mate, I know you fancied her.”

“S’right. She was getting a bit needy anyway,” I invented. Peter and James nodded in understanding. Lupin stayed silent. 

“Well, nothing like potions to cheer you up,” James joked. Peter snorted. 

“Yup. Spectacular,” I said deadpan. 

The class passed in its usual tedium. Me and James tried to see how many parchment balls we could levitate into Snape’s greasy hair before the end of the period, and Lily of course made a perfect concoction. As we filed out of the room, Lupin shot me a look. He walked ahead with Peter, pointedly leaving me and James behind. 

“James, mate, we need to talk.”

“What, are you breaking it off with me?” he chided.

I tried to laugh. “Nah, just something—“

“If it’s not strategy for the Ravenclaw match Friday, I’m not interested—no offense.” James interrupted. “Unless it’s really important,” he corrected, realizing how crazed he sounded.

“Nah,” I weakened, losing my resolve, “s’not important.” I didn’t need to take James’ focus off Quidditch; I could tell him after the match. He would be in such a good, accepting mood if we won. Plus, Lily and I were in a strop; I doubted she would come ‘round before the turn of the weekend anyway. 

The visit to Hogsmeade had been so promising! _Stupid Snape,_ I thought bitterly to myself. I still had a difficult time believing Lily and Snape had been friends...or something more. My fists clenched. I wanted to know the whole story. Just when I thought I had Lily figured out, another piece of her past surfaced and I was left in the dark again.

I tried to bring my focus back to James’ prattling about Quidditch, but my thoughts kept wandering. Luckily, he assumed my inattention was because of my alleged failed relationship. 

And for the rest of the week I was equally distracted. Lily went to bed early, leaving me no time to approach her in the common room after nightly Quidditch practice. She also left classes seconds after the bell rang. I even visited the library in search of her. The librarian asked me if I was a transfer student as she had never seen me before. 

I tried to compose a letter, but any combination of words or phrases sounded utterly daft. A one-sided conversation was not the solution to our situation. Imagine—

_Hey Lily,_

_Just wanted to say I’m sorry for jumping in a battle against my mortal enemy, who you may or may not have fancied and dated. Want to chat about that for a bit? Brilliant._

_Love, Sirius_

Absolutely not.

The only time I was conscious of my surroundings was during Quidditch practice. Flying fast and hearing the crack of the wooden bat against a bludger was immensely satisfying in a basic and animalistic way. James couldn’t be more pleased.

“Good one!” he called after being walloped in the stomach by one of my well-aimed hits. Only James would be excited by a potentially broken rib. 

As I was only paying attention a hundred feet off the ground, I had no clue nosey students had taken false, fragments of overheard conversation and created a full scale tale: Sirius Black was tragically in love with a mysterious Victoria. By the match Friday, majority of the school had heard through some source or other about Sirius Black’s predicament. Those who had not, were people living under a rock—like Lily Evans for the past week. 

Lily Evans had no desire to attend a Quidditch game. She made it through five full years of Hogwarts without having to show her face at a single match, why change the pattern now? Except for the fact it killed her this past week to avoid Sirius. She was more embarrassed by her actions than angry at him. She knew once she approached Sirius she would have to explain her past with Snape, which was painful. Who wants to embrace pain?

Between trying to find a way to appropriately apologize and explain her relations with Severus, she had been consumed in her thoughts for the past week. She wasn’t risking her friendship with Sirius over a hastily- spoken apology; she wanted to know exactly what to say before she approached him to say it. Lily loved plans and hated leaving something so important to chance. Her fellow Gryffindor friends pleaded with her all week to finally go with them to a game and by Thursday night she broke down and agreed. 

“Oh excellent!” Alice, a kind girl Lily had shared her dorm with for the past five years, exclaimed on hearing the news. 

Lily instantly regretted her decision stepping foot outside the next afternoon as the skies darkened ominously. “We’re going to get soaked!” 

“Oh common, you cast a great impervio charm! You’ll be fine,” Alice countered, linking her arm in Lily’s. 

Lily sighed as the drops started falling more freely. The Gryffindors climbed up the steps to the stands while I was in the tense locker room. 

“This is our first match of the season—“

“And your first as captain,” I stated matter-of-factly.

“Exactly, yes. Let’s start it off on the right foot, shall we?” James asked the team as they chucked. 

We walked onto the field some minutes later and the crowd’s cheers were deafening. I smiled as the adrenaline started flooding my veins.

James and Wood, the Ravenclaw captain, shook hands to start the match. I took to the air and immediately cracked a bludger to the Ravenclaw keeper, which he narrowly avoided. Ravenclaw took the quaffle and my fellow beater, Johnson, hit the chaser instantly. 

The rain was starting to pour, making my visibility crap. I was circling the pitch, hovering close to the edge, getting ready to dive into the game if necessary. When I passed the Gryffindor stands, a high-pitched scream issued from the many girls and I caught the quickest glimpse of flaming red hair. 

Lily at a Quidditch match? This discovery distracted me enough for a well-aimed bludger to hit me directly on my flank. Before the ball escaped, I managed to blindly make contact, trying to send it back the way it came. I clenched my teeth as the sharp pain settled into a dull, constant thud. I went back into the game with a vengeance. I hit each bludger with a newfound force, grunting in pain every time I swung my arm. 

I didn’t dare turn my attention directly to where I thought I saw Lily again. She was in the stands with her hands over her mouth. “Do you think he’s okay?” she said breathlessly. 

Alice looked confused. “Of course. He’s not grounded. There have been much worse injuries in Quidditch. Anyways, I’m sure his girlfriend will nurse him back to health.” 

“What?” Lily asked her friend, dumbfounded. 

I could barely hear the announcer over the noise of the rain and crowd, but I gathered we were leading 70-50. If only James could catch the snitch quickly, I could mend my side and not come down with pneumonia. 

The cheers in the stadium picked up and I spun around to see James several feet in front of the Ravenclaw seeker in a steep dive. James must have wrapped his fingers around the little golden ball, because the Gryffindors erupted in cheers and I heard Madame Hootch’s whistle, signifying the end of the game. 

Alice was too busy cheering to pay attention, and the rest of the crowd was brought to their feet, leaving Lily feeling small on the bench. 

“Alice!” Lily yelled, pulling her friend down to sit next to her.

“What? Oh yeah, I heard he finally got a girlfriend. Some Victoria or something.” Alice shrugged. She saw the stricken look on Lily’s face and asked, “Why? What’s wrong?” Lily didn’t answer as she pushed through the students to leave the pitch. 

I hit the ground and winced as I dismounted my broom. My fellow teammates all joined in lifting James up on their shoulders, but I quickly headed off to the locker room to assess the damage on my side. I disrobed and lifted my under shirt gingerly. In the mirror and poor lighting of the locker room, I got quite a shock as the entire area from the top of my hipbone to right under my chest was a sick purple color. I patted the area and had to bite my knuckle to stop from calling out when I touched my rib cage. One was definitely broken. 

The team was cheering, and I quickly dropped my shirt to join them. I’d get it looked at in the morning; no way was I missing our victory party. We changed out of our sopping robes, and headed back to the house celebration together. By the time we arrived, the festivities were in full swing. Illicit Butterbeer and Firewhisky had shown up, and the older students were drinking like fish. I smiled as different peers came and congratulated me, but I wanted to see someone in particular. 

I made my way into the center of the room and heard some wolf-whistles. Lily was lip-locked with some ruddy seventh year and I felt like my entire body had been hit by dozens of bludgers. He had his arms locked around her waist, and I had an animalistic desire to rip them off. 

I pushed back through the crowd, grabbing a full bottle of firewhiskey, and storming up the male dormitory stairs. 

I didn’t even look back to see Lily pull out of the embrace and look wistfully, but strangely determined, at my retreating figure.


	8. This Happiness

I spent most of the night seething on my four-poster. I didn’t touch the bottle of Firewhiskey I brought to the dorm. I was about to take a sip when I remembered last weekend and refused to stoop that low--not trying to hop on a one-way tract to alcoholism at the age of sixteen. 

I tried to understand how Lily could have done this to me. First step was admitting this was all my fault. I never shared any of my feelings with Lily; she was doing anything to me. I didn’t have rational grounds to be upset with her. Second off, I snogged loads of girls even though I fancy Lily. Just because I’ve never witnessed Lily’s romantic conquests before, doesn’t mean they didn’t exist. By the time I was tired enough to fall asleep, I settled my anger toward Lily, and was happy to direct it all toward the asshole bloke who put his hands on her. 

I settled into a fitful sleep and was easily woken by a knock at the dormitory door, “Bloody hell.” I picked myself up and opened the door. 

I recognized the small sixth-year student, Alice. She looked terrified and was dripping water. “So sorry to wake you, it’s about Lily.” Her teeth chattered together and I brought her into the room, wrapping her in a stray blanket from the nearest bed. All posters were still vacant, my mates still occupied in the common room or busy with nightly companions.

“What’s wrong? Is she okay?”

“I don’t know! She was with Dirk, then she got upset and said she needed some air. She ran out the portrait hole right before this whole mess started, and I tried to follow her but I have no idea where she is! She told me about this summer and the… connection you two have.”

My body was numb, I was fully dressed before Alice finished speaking. I took one look out my window and saw the current monsoon outside that made the rain during the Quidditch match looked absolutely docile. If Dirk Cresswell did anything remotely forward or upsetting, I would strangle him with my bare hands, wands be damned. 

“I’ll find her.” 

If Alice replied, I didn’t hear it. The castle was a blur. I ran quickly, and once outside I was instantly soaked through my many layers and trainers. I had to think like Lily, where would she could go? When the rain started she must have headed for cover…

The Forbidden Forest. Oh, Lily. Please tell me you didn’t get far. From my many dalliances with the marauders, I knew first hand what dangers could lurk within the trees, even in the daylight. Night was far worse. 

“Lumos,” I muttered. The spell only brought me an extra foot or so of visibility. I could transform, but that was not my secret to reveal. If I found Lily as a dog, she would undoubtedly have questions. 

My panic started mounting as the minutes ticked by. I was frozen, shivering uncontrollably, and my feet ached from constantly finding their footing amongst the thick and gnarled branches. I seriously regretted my choice to wait until the morning for my ribs to be looked at because each step was agony. I clutched my side which did little to halt the pain. The trees blocked a good portion of the downpour, but the din of the rain would mute any approaching creature, which made me even more anxious to find Lily. How the hell could she have made it this deep in? 

Then, I heard it. The unmistakable sound of hoofs. I threw myself behind a thick tree, hoping to avoid the path of whatever was drawing near. 

“Step out, human.” Fuck. Centaur. I knew that deep tone from trodding too deep into their ‘territory’ on full moons. 

The creature had dark hair and skin culminating in a wild looking beard. He stood over eight feet tall easily and on his back--

“LILY!” I screamed. My voice cracked with raw emotion, but the centaur remained unchanged.

“The girl will wake when I will it.”

“What have you done to her?” I pointed my wand upwards, but again he didn’t move. 

“I don’t usually interfere with the happenings of humans, but you have cast a shadow in the stars.” 

“I’m sorry, what?” That sounded like a crock of bull that James and I would cook up for our Divination homework. 

“This mortal is part of a destiny.” He tossed his long mane back to gesture to Lily. My heart quickened; it didn’t surprise me Lily was supposed to be part of the fabric of time. “Your... involvement is keeping her from it.” My gut clenched. 

“Well then the stars are wrong.” I spat back. 

“Insolent child, you know nothing of the skies and moons. If you listen to me now and disentangle yourself, your emotional wounds will heal. If you do not heed Bane’s warning, you will set yourself in the path of the greatest cosmic destruction.” 

Bane walked toward me and turned sideways, sliding Lily off his back into my waiting arms. I wheezed as her torso made contact with mine, but I shifted to put an arm under her legs. “The choice is yours, Sirius Black... Wake.” On his command Lily’s eyes fluttered open and he galloped into the forest. 

The rain slowed to a trickle and I tried to put Bane’s prophecy of doom out of my head. “Lily. Lily, can you hear me?” 

Her bleary eyes focused on mine and she stretched slightly in my arms. “Sirius?”

I gently put her on her feet and she wobbled a bit, gripping my shoulder for support. I winced, but hid my face from her. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? What were you thinking?!”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I just… I needed to think.” 

“So you run into the bloody Forbidden Forest during a monsoon? Looked to me like you were having a great time at the after party anyway.”

Lily suddenly took a step away from me and became committed to fixing her damp and tangled hair. I could see the goose bumps on her exposed neck and the contrast between her pale, wet skin and her red lips made me almost pull her the half a foot closer I needed to push my lips into hers despite the anger flushing through me. “Why did you come? It’s not like you’ve talked to me all week, why don’t you just go back to Victoria.” 

“The last time we chatted you screamed at me, if you don’t remember! And what?” I had no clue how my cover story reached Lily’s ears. 

Lily’s eyes darkened and she crossed her arms. “For trying to insert yourself into my business! And your new girlfriend, Victoria! I heard all about it. I didn’t see you all night, I figured you were _busy._ ” 

Her emphasis on the last word made it clear what she thought I was doing. Even after all our letters and my confessions, she still saw me as the Hogwart Heartbreaker. “Look, I’m sorry for jumping in with Snape, but he was bringing me up and I was worried about you, for Merlin’s sake. But what does that matter when you’re the one who just snogged Dirk senseless in the common room for everyone to see! And for the record, SHE’S MADE UP!” 

Lily froze. “What?”

“I MADE VICTORIA UP!” I roared. My heart was pounding a fast rhythm in my wrists and I felt like a dam bursting.

“Why would you do that?” Lily whispered. Thick drops of freezing rain gathered on the leaves in the canopy above our heads and gently gathering at the top of her head and dripping down, mimicking tears. 

I gripped the back of neck and know I had to choose an option, the time had come. “Because I’ve fancied you for ages, but I couldn’t tell so I made up another girl to get my mates off my back.”  
Her eyes searched my face for a sign of doubt or deceit. When she found none, she promptly threw her arms around my neck and pressed her lips into mine, leaving me no time to feel guilty or stop or slow down. All this time I had been so busy considering how I felt and how James felt and how a bloody centaur felt, everyone except Lily. I never dared to dream she would ever feel that way about me.

In my dreams, I imagined how her hands would clutch the back of my neck, how my mouth would move against hers, and how my arms would encircle her waist, but I had absolutely no idea how _right_ it would all feel. How the back of my neck would erupt in tingles wherever her fingers grazed, how our lips were more like a synchronized union than controlled mouths by two separate entities, and how once I pressed her against my body with my arms, I could not get enough. I wanted her closer, closer, closer. 

The most surprising thing of all was the feelings didn’t fade. Usually when I snogged a new girl it was exciting for a few moments, but then settled into a carnal activity of routine and sometimes boredom. But Lily, I felt like I would never get enough of. I knew ten years from now if we kissed, it would feel just like this.

She pulled back, panting, and looked up at me through her eyelashes, still clutched against my body. For a moment we looked at each other, drinking in this entirely new intoxicating feeling.

I looked like a git with that stupid grin on my face. “Wow… so I guess you fancy me too?” 

Lily’s face broke out into a smile. “I guess so.” She ran her hands down my chest and sides before resting them on my hips. I tried to keep the pain from my face, but I can tell she noticed it. “What’s wrong?”

“Eh, nothing. Just from that bludger--”

Lily’s hand flew to her mouth. “I saw that! I was so worried. Did you go to the hospital wing?”

“Nah, I was going to go in the morning--”

“Let me see.” I recognized the stubborness in her tone and figured it would be best to comply. I lifted my damp jumper and Lily gasped. “Sirius, that looks awful!”

“I’ve had worse.”

Lily lightly placed her fingertips against my skin and I felt a twinge, but was more distracted by the fact she was running her hand over my bare side. “We need to get you inside, I can heal it but I need some ingredients…”

She was so adorable as she furrowed her brow in concentration I gently lifted her chin to capture her lips again. Lily smiled into the kiss. “That won’t heal you.”

“Are you sure?” I said before lightly nibbling her bottom lip. 

Lily groaned as she pulled away. “Yes! Can we go inside? I have to figure out where I can get the ingredients for a healing potion.”

I already showed Lily the one-eyed witch passageway, and I was about to reveal an even more covert marauder secret… “I know a place.” 

I laced her numb fingers in mine as we set back into the castle. Somewhere between the edge of the forest and the entrance hall, all my trepidations from the past two years, and more recently the last six months, came flooding back. I tensed as I pictured how James would react to this. Then there was Bane the centaur.. was I withholding Lily from some crazy destiny?

Lily could feel my shift in mood once we were back inside. “Sirius?”

I nodded in recognition. Lily dragged me into an open and vacated classroom, shutting the door behind her. “What’s wrong? Talk to me.” 

I looked down at the floor, my brain feeling overwhelmed by everything I was trying to put together. 

“What’s wrong,” she repeated again, tentatively storing her hand on my shoulder. “Other than five potentially broken ribs.” I smiled at the contact and placed my hand over hers. 

“Was the kiss bad?” she asked suddenly, looking terrified. “I’m sorry! Was it weird? What—“

“Merlin no!” I choked out, wondering if she was involved in the same kiss I was. “That was bloody incredible. Best snog of my life.”

“No!” she said laughing, “I don’t believe you.” 

“Believe it,” I said, pulling her closer and kissing her again, more gently. 

“I don’t know if I’ll get used to that,” she mused, sounding slightly dazed.

“Me either,” I admitted. The temporary lapses in judgment and conscious thought when I was touching Lily were proving to be unsurpassable. 

“Can you tell me what you’re thinking about then?” She asked from my arms, laying her head on the crook of my neck. 

I breathed a sigh before I let the name roll out: “James.”

She shot back from me, I waited for her to yell or get irritated, but instead she said, “I completely forgot.” 

“As did I, you have that effect on me.” 

“So, what do you want to do? Pretend this never happened?” 

“No,” I said quickly, and gently pulling her off my chest, as much as I hated the distance, I needed her to understand me. “Lily, look at me. I’ve been wanting this to happen for years. The main reason I didn’t say anything before is because you’re a great friend and I didn’t want to muck it up if you didn’t feel the same way. And the way James feels about you... I know it seems stupid and childish but I think they’re real feelings. James and his family have given me so much, I feel like I’m taking away the one thing he wants the most and stabbing him in the back.”

Lily studied me closely. “I get it, and you’re an amazing friend, but I don’t have any feelings for James! And if you haven’t noticed I’m half of the equation. You can’t decide my future for me! You can’t force me with James, and if you rejected me right now, never kissed me, never fancied me, the chances are quite good I would never end up with James.”

“You’re right,” I rubbed my hand over my face, lingering on my temples trying to sort out my thoughts. “I know I can’t make anything happen but this feels like betrayal, Lily.” 

“Then tell him. I can be there with you. I can tell him. Whatever you want.” I was struck by how much she cared. I wasn’t used to anyone caring this much outside of my small group of mates. The thought of telling James to his face I harbored secret feelings for the one girl in Hogwarts he truly cared for and then SNOGGED her made my stomach clench and twist in the most uncomfortable way imaginable. If I told him earlier when we were just friends, it would have been easier. Now I was in so deep. 

But I knew Lily was right. “I’ll have to tell him.” 

Lily nodded and curled back into my chest. “I know that will be hard.”

“Can I just have a bit of time? I need to sort out what I think and how I’ll say it and all that,” I said, desperately trying to hold off, if just a little bit, to stay in this perfect bliss with Lily. 

“Of course,” Lily nodded, then reached up and kissed my neck lightly. “Whatever you need. Definitely wait until you’re healed, you know, incase he needs to punch you.” 

“Ha ha,” I laughed sardonically, trying not to picture James punching me in the gut. 

“Now, where’s this place? We could just go to the Hospital Wing…”

I made a face. “Madame Pomphrey will make a fuss and keep me in there for a week. She’s new and overprotective.” 

“Okay, then lead the way.” We walked out in the hallway, loosely holding hands, listening for signs of approaching parties so we could disentangle our fingers, but met none. I lead us to the stairs and we started climbing.

“Are we going back to the common room?” Lily asked curiously as we stopped on the seventh floor. I pulled her hand in the opposite direction, away from the Fat Lady’s corridor. 

We reached the blank stretch of wall opposite of the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy attempting to train trolls for the ballet, a personal favorite wall decoration of mine. I started pacing back and forth. 

“Are you lost?” Lily asked gently. “Did you hit anything else during the game? Maybe--”

Then a wooden door appeared and Lily’s mouth dropped open. I pulled her gently to the doorknob and twisted, curious as to what the Room of Requirement would create for me. The room was a combination of hospital wing and potions dungeon, but also possessed qualities that were warm and inviting, like a small fireplace and several squishy armchairs that reminded me of the Gryffindor common room. There were two hospital beds against the wall and a potions station with a cabinet full of every ingredient imaginable. 

“What is this place?” Lily stood in awe, spinning slowly to take in all angles of the magical room. 

“The Room of Requirement. Walk past this wall three times thinking what you need, and it’ll produce for you. Found it in fourth year when I was running from Peeves, it was a broom cupboard then. James found it again last year, it was a quidditch training center. Remus finally tracked down the legend of the room in research, and we figured out what it was.” 

“This is incredible.” She walked to the potions station and fingered several vials filled with different ingredients. “I’ll get to work.” 

“I’ll dry off,” I said, taking my shoes and socks off, followed quickly by my shirt. I laid them over the edge of a chair near the fire. “Want me to set out anything of yours?” 

Lily turned, about to answer, and then stopped short when she saw my shirtless figure. The blush that creeped up her cheeks made me smirk. Although I wasn’t incredibly built, years of quidditch and activity kept me fit and wirey. “See something you like?” 

Lily sputtered. “I, I’m fine. With my clothes. They’re fine.” 

I took a few steps toward her. “You’re sure? Not even your trainers?” 

She stepped out of her shoes and pulled off her socks. She handed the damp items to me before making eye contact and pulling off her maroon jumper. She was left in a thin white undershirt, noticeably damp and transparent from the rain. It was my turn to stare. “See something you like?” Lily asked innocently, handing me the damp fabric. Before I could act on any of the many thoughts running through my head, she turned back to the cauldron and lit a fire. Lily fell into a concentrated silence, and I climbed on the nearest medical bed. 

“Is Potions your favorite subject?”

“Yes.”

“Why’s that?”

Lily dropped what looked like fish bones into the cauldron and it turned a bright gold. “Well, it’s the only magic subject that’s objective.” 

I furrowed my brow. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, if I follow this guide exactly, I will produce a Wiggenweld potion every time. It’s not like Charms, Transfiguration or Defense Against the Dark Arts; those all require mental focus and energy. If you’re not in the right frame of mind, your spell could be weaker or less effective. No matter how I’m feeling, this potion will come out correctly.” 

“I never thought of it like that.” 

The firelight played off her face and I could watch her smile for hours. “It’s also the least impulsive type of magic. It takes patience. You don’t lash out and feed someone a potion when you’re upset.”

“That would explain why I have such low marks,” I teased. 

“Sev has taught me some shortcuts. He’s brilliant at potions.” There it is; the elephant in the room. Lily’s hands stilled. “You must have questions.” 

“A few,” I admit. 

Lily drops more fish bones into the concoction. “Can they wait? This night I’d rather just focus on us. I promise I’ll answer them all.” 

I refused to push her. “Of course.” 

“And I am really sorry for how I yelled at you in Hogsmeade. I was mad at Sev and I took it out on you… You did nothing wrong.” 

I reached out to grab her hand. “Apology accepted.” 

Lily nodded at me then turned her attention to the cauldron once more. “This is almost done. Lie back.” I did as instructed and winced at the coldness of the starch sheets. Lily spooned some of the now green liquid into her palm and walked slowly toward me. 

“This will sting a bit.” Before I could react, she rubbed the quickly thickening goo over my side and I hissed. “Sorry.” 

“S’not your fault.” Lily leaned over to inspect the potion’s progress and I was struck with just how lucky I was to be in her presence. She made me lighter, kinder, better. “What’s your favorite subject?” 

“Muggle studies and charms, they both pissed my family off. They wanted me to be better at Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions. Really wanted me to attend Durmstrang instead of Hogwarts, but my family has a history here.” 

“That’s how you made your motorbike.” 

“Correct.” 

Lily seemed satisfied with the Wiggenweld potion and rummaged through the cupboards again, this time clutching a white bottle whose neck formed a skeleton. “This next one will be worse.” 

“Ugh, Skele-gro.” 

Lily nodded sympathetically. She poured out a capful and fed it to me, and I tried to keep my disgust at bay, but still made a face as I swallowed. Lily leaned down and kissed me lightly. “Better?” 

I nodded. “This is much better service than I would ever get in the hospital wing.” Lily laughed and the sound was like a windchime. A growing pang struck my side and I twisted. Lily grabbed my elbow and rubbed soothing circles over my bicep. 

“Your turn to ask a question.” Lily prompted after my cramp subsided. 

“We’re taking turns?”

“It’ll take your mind off the pain.” I moved over and Lily popped up to sit on the side of the bed. 

“Would you be my first real girlfriend?” 

Lily coughed suddenly. “Sirius Black, Hogwarts Heartbreaker, you want to settle for me?” 

I took her hand back in mine. “Lily Evans, you are far out of my league, you’ll be settling.” Another pain. 

Lily moved to envelope me in a hug. “That’s ridiculous, but I would love to.” 

The night passed with Lily and I exchanging questions and information while my ribs grew back at an agonizing pace. Eventually, Lily fell asleep on my shoulder and I dozed off as well; it was like a dream, finally holding her in my arms. She fit perfectly tucked under my arm on my good side, and I could breath in the scent I recognized from this summer as her shampoo. 

I awoke hours later and wondered what time it was, only to find a clock suddenly on the wall. Six in the morning. “Shit.” I mumbled. I shook Lily to wake her up, when she saw the time she jumped out of bed and grabbed our items from the chair by the extinguished fire. As we laced our trainers I pulled her into a hug. “It’ll be fine.” 

She exhaled. “You’re right.” 

“I’m a master at sneaking around this castle.” I lead us out the door carefully, but knew the stone hallways would be empty so early on a Sunday morning after a quidditch match. We made it to the portrait hole and the Fat Lady didn’t even make us give the password, but tiredly waved us on to push our way inside. 

Every experience in my life taught me when I was happy something would go wrong. I also knew I had to tell James. It was one thing to hide feelings and friendship, but quite another to hide a relationship with the “girl of his dreams.” I thought about this as I climbed up the boy’s dormitory.

My roommates were asleep, and for that I was thankful. Cups littered the floor and I guessed most of them would sleep until mid-morning. I couldn’t help but have my mind drift to that kiss—an amazing impossibility. I felt a dangerous and inebriating fire of me when we had touched, and my body instantly begged for more. I wanted to take Lily in my arms and never let go. 

I glanced over to James’ four-poster and felt a mixture of anger and guilt. James was my brother, but he never dated Lily. Lily was not interested in James and never had been. I let out a strangled groan of frustration before slamming all the curtains around my bed shut and forcing my eyes closed.

I knew this happiness could not last very long.


	9. To Your Union

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in the present day, I attend the Potter's wedding reception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I originally wrote this story, its entirety was set during the Hogwarts timeline in flashbacks. I felt like there was more story to tell, so here we are back in Sirius' present. Every few chapters will come back to this timeline and the story will span until the Potters' death and Sirius' imprisonment.

**Present Day**

I’m pulled out of my memories by clinking glass. The chattering dies down and my palms begin to sweat. I avoided the spotlight most of the day by hiding in James' shadow; it was easy to do. Even though the current state of the Wizarding World required a smaller wedding than James or his parents would have liked, there are still nearly 100 guests in attendance. The Potters are beloved far and wide, not only for their nobility (descended from Godric Gryffindor himself for Merlin's sake) but for their contributions to the Wizarding World.

James' mum Euphemia is an investigator in the Department of Mysteries. Other than being a very cool thing for him to brag about during our Hogwarts years, she is responsible for helping create time manipulators. James' dad is an inventor. Mr. Potter developed Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion (not that you’d know that based on how untidy James’ hair is at all times) which gave their family enormous wealth. For years I wanted to be just like James with his family and his opportunities, but I got quite the reality check when we both applied to the Auror academy last year with the same marks and I was rejected. A _Black_? Fighting _against_ Lord Voldemort? Fighting against his own family? His own destiny?

Alice stands up to give her Maid of Honor speech first; I have a few moments of reprieve. Those of us who know Lily well politely ignore her sister Petunia’s absence and the fact she was Lily’s first choice for the role. I steal a glance at Lily's face as Alice spews her praises from their years living together at Hogwarts, recounts countless moments of Lily’s kindness, and a smattering of anecdotes about Lily and James' famous feuds; she is beaming. Despite the dark hue of the tent, Lily’s face and hair, worn down in the loose curls, look luminous. Lily laughs broadly and James' arm is casually slung over the back of her chair, chuckling when appropriate. The two of them together look like the perfect poster children of the Wizarding World.

Who would have thought last Sunday she woke up in my bed.

Alice's speech concludes with applause and lifted glasses. I raised mine in solidarity, but do not take a drink. After I drank myself into a stupor looking at the wedding invitation, I decided this event required sobriety to avoid catastrophe. Normally, the bride's parents would follow the Maid of Honor, but instead Lily stands up.

"As many of you know, my parents passed away during my sixth year at Hogwarts. In that moment, and the months following, I thought love was gone from my life. I thought I would never feel again the protection, safety and love that my parents provided for me all those years." Lily pauses, surveying the room. A lone sniffle plagues the silence and I want to bark at whoever it was.

"But, that was before I met the Potters." The corners of Lily’s mouth pull into a smile. "Fleamont and Euphemia have been kind enough to extend themselves above and beyond the call of duty for myself, and other misfits that James has brought home." 

Her eyes find mine and my throat swells shut. I can’t argue with a single word. Without Mr. and Mrs. Potter, my plan would have failed. I could have never cemented James and Lily's future without them. The juxtaposition of my family turmoil with his family’s nobility is what finally convinced her to accept James; she was desperate for paternal care after being orphaned. 

But James is what convinced her she couldn't fully accept him…

"I would like to take this opportunity to thank them on my parents' behalf, who I know would be proud to be assimilating into your family." Lily nodded and lifted her glass to the openly sobbing Euphemia and squinty-eyed Fleamont. "To Euphemia and Fleamont!"

All attendees mimic Lily's sentiment and consume another swig. Lily takes her seat once again and dabs delicately under her eyes. James pushes a kiss on her cheek and she grins, but dabs at the spot after a moment.

I take a deep breath and stand up, while all eyes size me up good-naturedly. _Ah yes, the Black boy who's playing hero. Another misfit of the Potter's, how good of them to take him on..._

The words I practiced in front of my mirror obsessively the last few days echo in the tent. "I've had the pleasure of knowing Lily and James for most of my life. I met James on the first day of Hogwarts, when no one wanted to sit in my compartment. He didn't care a bit about my surname, but asked me if I had any chocolate frog cards to trade." I pause for the small laugh. "Later that evening, Lily pushed James into the lake for touching her red hair. And that's all it took! After that he was insufferable and obsessed. He stayed that way too, throughout our entire time at Hogwarts.”

"Lily, on the other hand, found him obnoxious." More laughter. My bit about Lily has to be breezy and short or else I will succumb to the thrumming under my fingers to clamp my hand over my mouth. "I had the unlucky spot of being pinned between the two more than once," I confess. "But I can say throughout all those times, James never wavered. He is a steadfast, stubborn, show-offy and deeply in love man." That is true… for me and James. But that fact is not important. Not here, not today.

"Lily will be well taken care of for as long as they both shall live. As she mentioned James' family is second to none. I can personally attest to their goodness and kindness." Lily's eyes lock with mine and I can tell she is filling in the blanks: James and the Potters are a much safer and fulfilling choice than me and the Blacks.

“So without further ado, a toast to the groom.” I lift my glass to James and he smirked in my direction. “To the bride.” I turn to Lily and her eyes are still fixed on me in an impenetrable stare, not at all conveying the light happiness they did during Alice’s speech. “From your best friend, Sirius, who is always by your side. To your union, and the hope that you provide in these dark times. May you always be safe, happy and satisfied. To Lily and James!” The crowd echoes for a final time and Mr. and Mrs. Potter start speaking before my still full glass hits the table. 

I negotiate with myself how long I can stand to be here and keep myself together. Eventually I decide I will giving the reception one hour before I slip away unnoticed. James is well on his way to becoming inebriated, I doubt my absence will register. I don’t realize my hands are shaking until I reach up to loosen my tie. Maybe a breath of fresh air will do me some good. 

I slip through the lively group starting to populate the dance floor and pop outside the tent. On the outside, the tent looks small and silent thanks to the many enchantments and cloaking devices performed by Dumbledore himself. I see a heavy stone nearby and transform it into a rough bench to perch on. 

I hear rustling behind me and I don’t have to turn to know who it was. “Shouldn’t you be inside, Lily?” 

I wait for a reply, but her stretching silence makes me turn around. Silent tears run down her face; I automatically jump up and wrap my arms around her. 

“What have I done, Sirius?” Lily whispers into my neck. I rub my hand in soothing circles over her back like I have a thousand times before. She keeps repeating it quietly to herself: _What have I done, what have I done, what have I done…_

I pull her back far enough to look in her eyes, no matter how piercing and painful for me. “You have married someone with an amazing family who can protect you and who loves you. You’ve done the right thing.” 

Lily balked. “The right thing? I’ve never done the right thing. The right thing would be to never walk back in your door! To never show up at your apartment!” 

I stay quiet. I once told James I wouldn’t get in his way with Lily, and I’ve kept my word. Since they started dating in seventh year, I’ve never propositioned Lily. I’ve never sought her out. I’ve never used myself as an obstacle to their relationship... but I’ve also never refused her. Each time she showed up in my apartment or requested something of me, I’ve done it. Even when that meant breaking the sanctity of their relationship. 

“And your speech! Satisfied?! You hope I’m _satisfied_? You really want James to _satisfy_ me?” I flinch, but stay silent. I’m going to let Lily ride out her emotions without fighting back, a technique I learned when she was still reeling with grief from losing her parents. Anger was easier for Lily than sadness, passion easier than apathy, action easier than stasis. 

Lily pulls out of my arms and points at me with her voice is dangerously low. “If you wanted me to be satisfied you would have married me yourself. You’re a coward.” 

It’s a low blow. I know the easy and selfish thing would be to claim Lily as mine, but she would have been dead within months, weeks even. Giving up Lily was the harder thing… even if I didn’t do it well. 

My lack of a response seems to infuriate her more. She pushes my chest, but she’s not forceful enough to rock my stance. “What, now you have nothing to say?!”

My hands dig into my pockets and I look at my shoes before looking back at her. “You look beautiful.” 

Lily’s anger deflates. “Fuck, Sirius. That’s not helpful.” 

I smile. “It’s true.” 

Lily smiles before crossing her arms and looking serious. “What we’ve done… what we’re _doing_... I know it’s my fault. I know I pop in and you never ask me to, you never make me do anything… And you’ve never tried to make me leave him.” Lily couldn’t say James’ name around me usually, which suited me fine. I couldn’t think about him either when I was with her: she took up all the air around me and there was no room for me to breathe anything else in. “What is this to you? What do you get out of it? I mean,” she cut off and blushed, “I know what you _get_ out of it, but you can’t have all of me, not like you used to…” I tried to follow her rambling and patiently wait until she reached her real conclusion. “You don’t… love me anymore, do you?” 

Oh god I wanted to laugh. I wanted to clutch my sides and roll on the floor with the ridiculousness of her question. “I’ll always love you, Lily.” 

She looked impatient. “You know what I mean. Are you still in love with me?” 

I looked at her stricken face, glowing with shimmering makeup in her gorgeous white gown and know I could answer her question honestly. I could tell her I’ve been in love with her since we were thirteen and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I could tell her that seeing her walk down the aisle and saying nothing killed me and for the entirety of her honeymoon I was planning on being roaring drunk and sobbing on my apartment floor. I could tell her it wasn’t too late, and even though she was married it didn’t matter, there was still a way for us. I could tell her I would sacrifice James and the Potters and the only family I’ve ever known for her. But what good would it do? 

This was Mrs. James Potter. Not Lily Evans. 

We’re adults fighting for our lives everyday, not galavanting around the halls of Hogwarts. I may not be noble in the middle of the night when Lily crawls in bed beside me, but I can be noble on her wedding day and leave this question unanswered. 

“If you don’t love me, say it. It will make it easier. I’ll be able to give you up.” My lips don’t know how to form the words of this lie she wants me to produce. 

“Good night, Lily.” I take her hand and kiss it before stepping back and Apparating away leaving her in the darkness, eyes begging for me to say something I cannot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you got Hamilton vibes from Sirius' speech, GOOD. I listened to "Satisfied" 800 times while writing this. Bonus if you also found the nod to Les Mis.


	10. Live in the Country

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape pushes me too far and I have a difficult time maintaining my composure.

**The Winter of 6th Year**

The following month I split myself between Quidditch (my injury healed quickly thanks to Lily’s efforts), Marauders, and Lily. We took to studying in the back corners of the library, getting meals at inconvenient times in the kitchen, and going on almost nightly walks of the Hogwarts grounds when she didn’t have Prefect duties.

I knew even with my careful practices my friends were starting to notice my absence. Especially Remus. When I would announce I was tired and go to bed early (only to get under the invisibility cloak and go on the grounds), or say I wasn’t hungry when sitting with them at the Gryffindor table (because I ate two hours ago with Lily) Lupin’s eyes would follow me, but he remained silent. Although Lily had given me as much time as I needed to tell James, I knew eventually she would grow impatient at having to sneak around… who wouldn’t?

Every moment I spent with Lily made me like her more and temporarily forget the gnawing guilt in my gut. Once surrounded by my best friends, the knot came back. I was starting to find it difficult to look James in the eye.

But for now, I did my usual fake sleeping routine. I said goodnight to my mates and then grabbed the cloak from upstairs and waited for someone to exit the common room before filing closely behind them. I made my way to our usual meeting spot, the astronomy tower.

Lily’s form was outlined by the moon’s glow as she stood with her back to me, looking out the window. I smiled to myself and pulled off the cloak before going up behind her and gently putting my hand on her hip.

She turned to the side and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “What would you like to do tonight?” Lily asked, still captivated by the moon. “Care for a walk?”

“Nah, I think I’d like to just stay here,” I said.

“Excellent.” Lily turned around and conjured a love seat. We sat down facing the window and I quickly pulled Lily to my side.

“How was your day?” I asked lightly, tracing her arm with my fingertip.

“Mmm, okay. Better now.” I grinned. “Wherever I live it needs to have a great view of the sky,” Lily said suddenly, appreciating the scenery.

“I agree. I want to see stars properly, no muggle smoke in the way.”

“We’ll have to live in the country,” Lily said decidedly.

“We?” I asked amused.

Lily froze. “I meant both of us—but not having to be together! Just that we both like stars, and—“ Lily stopped at the sound of my bark-like laughter.

“You’re a tosser.” Lily lightly punched me in the arm.

“Sorry, love. I couldn’t help it.” I kissed her forehead.

“You’re lucky you’re attractive,” Lily muttered darkly.

“Am I?” I asked mildly. “I didn’t notice.” Lily scoffed again. She was adorable when she was irked with me.

“What?” she said crossly, catching me grinning like an idiot looking at her.

“I fancy you,” I said simply. “Aren’t I allowed to glance at my girlfriend?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I guess. Better stop taking the mickey if you want to continue to have one.”

Little did I know at the time, Remus took the invisibility cloak and followed me to the tower. At this point in our conversation, Remus decided he heard enough. He left the staircase leading to our spot with the intention of immediately returning to the Gryffindor portrait hole. When he reached the last step, he nearly tripped over someone seated at the bottom of the steps.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I—“ he started before stopping short. It was Severus Snape.

Remus had never been particularly fond of Snape, but did not loathe him as much as James and I. He witnessed our tormenting, but usually stood to the side not caring enough about the Slytherin to go against us. But when Remus was silent, he realized he could still hear the echo of mine and Lily’s conversation; Snape was eavesdropping on us.

“Not at all,” Snape jumped up from the ground. He managed to say the phrase with dignity, despite the dust that settled on his trousers. Before Lupin could question Snape’s motives, he turned and walked down the hall.

After this interaction, Remus continued on his intended path. He reached the portrait hole, but decided against going inside. Remus sat down on the cold ground, intending to sit for a while. At some point, he dozed off.

Several hours later, Lily and I walked back to the Gryffindor room together under the cloak. We quickly dropped fingers when spotting Remus’ sleeping form on the ground.

“You go in,” I said to Lily, getting a feeling of impending doom. She gave me a quick peck before saying goodnight and going inside. Part of me wanted to leave Lupin lying on the ground, rather than rouse him. I sighed and tapped him on the shoulder. “Moony!”

He jumped up and looked around wildly, and when his eyes landed on me he seemed to remember what he was doing sitting in the hallway at all hours of the night. “I know you were with Lily. You’ve been with Lily nearly every night. That’s where you keep going off to! And you’re… you’re together! And you’ve been hiding it! From everyone!”

I closed my eyes and ran my hands over my head to lock in a grip behind my neck tensely before letting go. “Yeah.”

“Snape knows too,” Lupin said. “He was listening when I went to the Astronomy tower, to see what was going on. He knows.”

I let out a loaded sigh. I alluded to Snape several times to Lily, but she avoided the question. Snape was starting to become more than his usual level of annoying in my life. “Brilliant.”

“What are you doing, Sirius?”

“I dunno! I wanted to tell James about us being friends, but then it became more. I feel like it’s too big! It’s too much to spring on him and I’m afraid he’ll never forgive me. Also, it’s like you said, innut? We’re sixteen for Merlin’s sake! If this was just another stupid fling I would stop! I would, but it’s not! It’s Lily!” I became more heated with each sentence. “And it’s like Lily said! If I dumped her now, she wouldn’t be with James; she’s half of this! It doesn’t matter what James does, it matters what Lily does.”

“That’s true,” Lupin started carefully. “It is Lily. This is a big deal, Sirius. Not only because of James, but because of you! You’ve never liked someone like this. Don’t you want to be able to talk to your mates about it? Don’t you want to not have to sneak around? Doesn’t Lily want that? She deserves more than being your secret, Sirius.” Lupin said tiredly.

“I know,” I said, burying my face in my hands.

“You need to start somewhere,” Remus said. “Even if it’s part of the truth. You just need to get a bit of it out.”

“You’re right,” I conceited. He gave me a half smile.

“I know about keeping secrets, Sirius,” he clapped me on the back. “And I also know the Marauders will always find them out.”

 

***

_Snape was in potions class, constantly looking over at Lily. He was good enough at the subject that he could afford a bit of distraction. He took a moment to observe his other classmates. Sirius’ eyes were fixed on Lily as well. Snape felt a flood of irritation…_

 

_Snape was ten, on the playground with a young Lily and Petunia…_

 

_“Just let me try,” Snape begs. He looks roughly one year younger. Him and Lily are sitting by the Black Lake._

_“All right,” Lily says finally. She pivots so they’re facing each other, she clears her throat as if about to make a speech. Snape is leaning in more and more. They’re millimeters away from each other…_

 

 

“ENOUGH!” Snape roared. He collapsed to the floor, clutching his temples and breathing heavily.

The haughty fourth year towered over him. “You don’t want the Dark Lord to see this weakness, do you?”

“No,” Severus spat. “That’s why we’re doing this.” He stood up and righted his robes.

“I’ve been taught Occlumency since I was young,” the boy bragged. “The Blacks are more about valuable education I would imagine, than the—“ Regulus paused and took in Snape’s greasy appearance, “Snapes.”

Snape gritted his teeth to keep from degrading his peer. He hated that Regulus was younger than him and felt so superior. He hated that they were both seeking the same approval from the Dark Lord and because of Regulus’ standing in society, he was more likely to receive it. But most of all, he hated that Regulus was related to Sirius, and Sirius had Lily.

The only reason Regulus was helping Snape was because Snape offered to do his potions homework for the rest of the term. Also, in these early stages of alliance with the Dark Lord, Regulus didn’t think he could afford to make any enemies among the followers. It barely took any effort on his part either; they would practice for an hour a few times a week, or even less when Regulus was able to strike a particularly sensitive nerve in Snape.

The relationship (or really, nonexistent relationship) between Snape and Lily bored Regulus. He did not understand why Snape sat idly by and had little patience with his pining. If he wanted the mudblood so badly, he should go and claim her, be rid of the obsession, and then move on. It was simple really. He could understand why Snape wanted to hide such a cowardly and impure infatuation.

In reality, Snape was making great strides in Occlumency. Snape managed to keep Sirius and Lily’s relationship a complete secret. He more openly offered up bits of his relationship with Lily, because Regulus was already aware of Snape’s feelings toward her. He did not know Sirius shared Snape’s feelings. And if that piece of information made it around the elite Black social circle, Lily could be in danger. They would never kill one of their own, Blacks were much too appearance conscious for that. But they had no problem removing undesirable blemishes from their family. Lily would be an undesirable blemish.

“Again,” Snape said, mentally preparing himself for Regulus’s assault.

 

***

 

My new plan was to tell James Lily and I were friends. Then it would seem natural that we were together… Probably not. Lily was beautiful, kind, careful and smart. I was rash, selfish, and a slacker.

But it was worth a shot. I told Lily this plan and while she was hesitant at keeping the whole truth quiet, she brightened when she said, “Well, this way we can at least hang out together properly.” It was true. With Lily being my first real friend outside of the Marauders, I’m sure they would embrace her (James would dream about _really_ embracing her).

As the bitter promise of winter was settling into the castle, I resolved to tell James after November’s full moon (we were busy planning our monthly adventure). I had to admit, I was quite pleased with my plan. Get to keep Lily, get to keep James—neither one upset.

I woke up late for my first lesson and quickly tried to make my way to Muggle Studies. I thought fondly of my favorite bike when I bumped into Snape and my younger, favorited brother, Regulus. I was about to maturely make my way by without a comment, but Regulus had different plans. “So good to see you, Sirius.”

“Wish I could say the same.” My hand slowly entered my robe pocket where my wand was stored.

“Where’d ya go, Sirius? Huh? Staying at the blood traitor’s house? Going to start calling yourself Sirius Potter soon?”

My blood started simmering beneath my skin. “I wouldn’t mind it, then I would get rid of the shit Black surname.”

Regulus’s eyes narrowed. Snape was disinterestedly watching the interaction. “Why mother and father didn’t kick you out before this summer is beyond me. You were always a worthless son. They should have gotten rid of you the second you were sorted into Gryffindor.”

“Would have saved me from having to be around you,” I said through gritted teeth. “You know Regulus, you think you’re so fucking special. Why? Because mummy and daddy tell you so? They feed you pureblood shit by a silver spoon and you’re so daft you eat it all up. Think your big Slytherin friends will protect you? Think you can hide behind the others?”

“I don’t have to,” he said arrogantly. “I’m joining a higher cause.”

My stomach sank. Sure, Regulus was a son of a bitch, but I never expected him to go as far as to join Voldemort. That was what he meant. Oh, my parents will be proud. They’ll thank Merlin one of their sons has the right idea. They’d cheer him as he signs up for inevitable death!

I was silent.

“That’s right,” he said smiling. “Don’t want to cross me now, do you?” with a final grin, he turned around and walked away, leaving Snape behind.

“I could tell him,” Snape breathed quietly. My eyes turned sharply from the back of Regulus to Snape. “I could tell him about you and Lily.” My already boiling blood was beginning to bang against my temples uncomfortably in rage.

With Regulus as a Death Eater in training, that information would make its way back to my parents and to Voldemort. I couldn’t decide which would be more deadly in this situation. I had to keep composure. I couldn’t let him have the upper hand on this.

“You won’t, you coward.”

“Just give me a reason, Black,” Snape said, but I didn’t fully believe him.

“You won’t because you don’t want anything to happen to her.” As much as that thought gave me relief, it also infuriated me. Snape had some type of history with Lily, my girlfriend, that wasn’t in the past for him. I wanted to ring his neck.

Snape paled. “That’s not the only thing I could tell!” He struggled to regain the dominant position. “You and your stupid friends do something moronic every full moon! Don’t think I haven’t noticed!”

I let out a bark of manic laughter. “What do you think that is? Huh, Severus? Got some specifics for your new Death Eater friends?” He was silent. “How about this,” I said, wanting nothing more for Snape to feel pain. “You show up tonight at the Whomping Willow and you’ll know exactly what we get up to.”

Snape’s eyes flashed. I could see the greed, wanting desperately to know the secrets of the tree. He was Eve, and I was the snake. Now, the question was whether or not he would bite the apple.

“You’re bluffing,” he said lowly.

“Only one way to find out.” I turned on my heel and stalked out the doors. I walked out onto the grounds, Muggle Studies completely forgotten and hastily grabbed my broom from the shed to take to the skies. The wind whooshing in my ears settled the furious beating of my pulse into a low background noise, like a thick bass in a dance club that I could feel vibrating from my toes to fingers.

I at first stuck to the pitch, but then was bored by the lack of obstacles. I flew into the Forbidden Forest, loving the immediate danger each turn took as I was confronted by another knot of trees. I enjoyed seeing how close I could fly to a tall, foreboding trunk before turning at the last possible second, avoiding destruction. I was a master of this pain and anger.

With each turn of the broom handle a grotesque glee bubbled up over my cardiac base. I couldn’t hear my heartbeat any longer over the appreciative whoops of victory I omitted every few seconds. Eventually, I grew tired and muttered, _“Point me,”_ to see which direction to fly back to the castle. The trees thinned and my pace slowed. My jumper clung to my torso in a dry sweat and I carefully stowed my broom back in its place along the other Gryffindor supplies before trekking back to the castle.

With each step the reality of what had transpired earlier between the Slytherins and myself became more present. I would normally laugh the situation off, but I knew Snape had taken a bite out of the apple. He would show. And as much as I hated him, he wasn’t stupid. He would easily figure out the concealed passage. My recently pumping veins ran ice cold. Snape would die if he figured out how to enter the Whomping Willow passage and made it to the Shrieking Shack. Did killing Death Eaters make me as bad as the Death Eaters themselves?

I started to sprint up to the castle, becoming more aware of the darkening sky. Lupin would already be in the Hospital Wing, getting ready for his trip to the tree. I kept a steady pace, listening to my footsteps as I fought my way to the common room. Luckily, it was the most common dinnertime and almost all students were eating. The only ones I should find in the common room were the remaining two Marauders, who were readying themselves for our nighttime escapade.

As I swung the Portrait hole open I also found…. Lily.

She had become accustomed to skipping dinner and eating with me afterward. She didn’t know tonight was any different. _Bullocks._

“Padfoot!” Peter said in his high tenor.

Lily’s head whipped from her book to where I stood. James saw the look in my eye and immediately stopped smirking. “What’s wrong?”

I drew them in close to me, “I screwed up.”

“What’s wrong?” James repeated with fear in his eyes.

“I did something stupid,” I said closing my eyes. Lily’s eyes wouldn’t leave my face; she abandoned her book all together.

“Got that, thanks. What was it?” James said, growing impatient.

I took a deep sigh, “I told Snape to go to the Whomping Willow tonight.”

“WHAT?” James yelled, not expecting this confession. Lily jumped a bit in her seat at the sudden loud exclamation. “Why in the name of MERLIN’S BEARD would you do that?”

I already admitted my stupidity, I didn’t need to be chastised. “Because, he and Regulus were being pricks! And, and they threatened…me.” I said, trying to tell at least part of the truth.

“ _Threatened you?_ Do you remember hoisting Snape up by his ankles last term? You could out-duel him any day! Why didn’t you JUST HEX HIM?” James paced and ran his hands through his hair.

“Because it was different this time!” I avoided looking at Lily, but I could still feel her gaze on me. I didn’t want to know how adverse her reaction would be if she learned I jumped to her aid in a fight against Snape again.

James let out an aggravated sigh in response. “We have to go after him.”

“How? And let him in on Remus’ secret and know we’re breaking the law?” I shot back.

“So what, we let him DIE?” James asked in a rage. Lily’s sharp intake of breath turned both my and James’ head at the same time.

“Fuck,” James muttered very quietly under his breath.

“I’m going,” Lily said, standing up.

The room rang silent. “It’s a full moon tonight, isn’t it?” she asked, glancing out the window.

My eyes were trained on her creamy neck. “You can’t come,” I said flatly.

“What choice do you have?” Lily said defiantly. “It looks like Severus’s theory was right? It’s why you call him ‘Moony’—he’s a werewolf.” James looked stupidly at her. “That’s what I thought. Now I know you lot are breaking the law, and I know Snape won’t listen to you. He’ll listen to me. If you don’t let me come,” Lily threatened, sensing she was gaining traction with her argument, “I’ll go right to Dumbledore.”

James went over to her, “Lily, I know we’re not on the best terms, but this is too dangerous, you don’t have all the information—“

“Then tell me, James,” Lily said coolly.

“There isn’t time!” I said, noticing the pink streaks lingering in the sky had gone.

James was stunned by her sudden interest in our lives. “I- I can’t. I’m sorry, Lily. But you need to stay here.”

“Yes,” I hissed, “you have to stay here.”

“Then you stay here too,” her eyes locked on mine. “If it’s so dangerous, then you shouldn’t be going either. We should tell a teacher and they can take care of it.”

James’ eyes were taking in the glare between Lily and I, trying quickly to catch up.

“We’re running out of time!” Peter squeaked.

James grabbed his cloak and threw it on. “We need Peter for the tree. Lily, either come or stay. But if you stay, Sirius stays here as well. You can’t go to a teacher.”

“I’m coming,” Lily said. Again, I was the reason Lily was putting herself danger. Back all those months ago in the hot summer we made the reckless trip into my old home. Now, because I had lost control over my temper, she was heading face first into a homicidal werewolf hideout.

James nodded his head thoughtfully. “Let’s go.” Without another word James, Peter and Lily filed out of the portrait hole. I quickly clamored after them.

“Lily, we need you to keep a level head through this, all right?” James said through labored breath as we reached the grounds. Lily glared at him. “Just double checking!” James threw his hands up in the air to show innocence.

“You can ask questions later,” I murmured into her ear and she nodded. James looked at the two of us confusedly.

“Right,” he said, taking on his natural leadership role. “I reckon you stay in human form in case you need to duel and to protect Lily?”

I thought of my sharp canine teeth and compared them to James’ antlers. “My form is stronger.”

“Mine’s bigger,” James said calmly. “I’ll get to the end of the passage and try to get Snape out, if I have to fight I can transform. Peter, you ready?” James nodded at our fourth party member who easily slinked to his rat form and Lily gasped.

“You’re _animagious?_ ” She whispered, staring directly at me. I could see a flash of hurt behind her eyes, not understanding why I kept this secret from her when I offered so much of myself freely.

“Yes, I transform to a dog. James is a stag.”

“LATER!” James took off running behind the small rat toward the Whomping Willow. Peter snaked between the roots and immobilized the branches. Lily’s eyes widened in surprise, but I could tell she was restraining herself from showing shock.

James followed Peter, but before he could disappear Lily called, “Wait! Snape won’t listen to you! He’ll listen to me!”

“It’s too dangerous,” I said immediately, grabbing Lily by her upper arm.

“We don’t have time! Stay here,” James said firmly and disappeared down the passageway.

Lily looked desperately at me. “Sev won’t listen to James.”

“He’ll be fine,” I tried to comfort. “You can’t transform, it’s too risky.”

Lily’s eyes darted between me and the secret passage. “I wish I could believe that.”

Before I knew it she threw her lips against mine, and just as I got accustomed to her touch, she pulled away drastically. I opened my eyes to see her red hair disappearing into the tree.

“LILY!” I lunged forward, trying to follow her and was rewarded by a hard smack from a tree branch. The contact casted me backwards five feet and I had to pause a moment to catch my breath. I instantly turned my attention to emptying my mind and allowing animal instincts to take over.

I was balancing on four legs and tried to avoid the swinging limbs and find the small knot to press. I was hit again from above and whimpered. I couldn’t give up; Lily was in there. I took a few steps back before gathering full speed and trying again to avoid the attack, but was thrown back so forcefully this time I fell and transformed into my human self.

I felt like I took six bludgers to the stomach. I could feel my newly healed ribs splinter again. Black spots popped in front of my eyes like dark bubbles and my arms filled with led. I was Sirius Black, I couldn’t let this happen.

I dragged myself to my feet and ran blindly again, driven by pure determination. One hit to the side. One hit to the leg. I fell unconscious when the third hit made me stumble out of the tree’s reach and collapse on the grass.

Meanwhile, Lily followed James at a breakneck pace. She finally heard his voice screaming, “We need to leave now, Snape!”

“I’m not leaving before I get proof,” his voice said back desperately. “Then you’re little friend will be thrown out of Hogwarts from all the angry OWLs.”

“Snape, this is bigger than that! You’ll get hurt!” James tried to reason.

“I’ll get hurt!” Lily said, throwing herself into the wand light. Snape froze. “Sev, if you stay here, I’m staying here.”

“Lily,” Snape said in a pained voice. She sat down on the dank earth to illustrate her point. A painful cry penetrated through the secret passage door.

“Lily, you were supposed to stay,” James hissed after recovering from his shock.

“I decide for myself.” Lily said firmly. “You staying?” She asked Snape, breathing heavily.

Snape reached out to touch her and she retreated. “Nothing’s changed. But I’m not going to let you get killed,” she said, still staring at his outstretched hand.

“I’m staying,” he said, a voice full of hurt. Snape turned to the door and pushed the knob open to catch a glimpse of Lupin withering on the floor, fur starting to spread over his hands and face.

“I KNEW IT!” he exclaimed triumphantly.

“ENOUGH!” James roared. He slammed the door shut, and yanked Lily and Snape’s arms. A scratching began at the door. “RUN!”

James threw the two in front of him and transformed into a beautiful stag. Lily yanked a wondrous Snape away from the scene and began to run back to Hogwarts. As they exited the tree, Lily expected me to be waiting angrily, for her. She saw my limp form on the ground instead.

“SIRIUS!” Lily yelled like the life had been ripped from her lungs. She dropped Snape’s arm and ran over to me. I was barely awake, and her face was clouded by darkness.

“Nasty tree.” I managed to cough. Lily was crying, but managed to laugh.

“Shhh, don’t talk. I don’t know what’s wrong, I can’t mess about and try to heal you. I’m going to get you to the Hospital Wing.” I felt weightless as her levitating charm lifted me to the air.

“Are you satisfied?” Lily spat at Snape. She paused a moment by the pathetic boy, “I don’t know what you did to make him want to try and kill you, but stay the hell away from him.”

Snape’s jaw tightened and he looked at Lily with hatred, but made no comment as she walked to the castle. Somewhere between the grounds and the Hospital Wing I surrendered to the blackness.

***

When I woke, the sun was blazing in the Hospital Wing windows. My whole body was sore, reminding me of the aches I would come home with when I was new to Quidditch. After fidgeting for a moment, I could feel that bandages were once again wrapped around my torso. Lily was sitting next to my bed, reading a book.

“Hey,” I croaked out, hating how weak my voice sounded.

Lily shut her book immediately and moved closer to stroke my forehead. “Morning.”

I turned my head into her hand and see James and Remus’ sleeping silhouettes in the beds next to me. James has a nasty looking gash along his neck and red dots are visible through the gauze and his right arm was heavily bandaged.

“What happened?” I ask lowly.

“Everyone’s okay,” she said quickly. “I got Snape out, James hung back to keep Lupin at bay and redirect him. James shattered his right arm and lost quite a bit of blood from the cut on his neck. I don’t know much about Lupin’s state, but I think it’s about the same as usual after a full moon?” Lily said unsurely, biting her lip and glancing over. Remus was the Marauder she was closest to, outside of our relationship.

“Yeah, he always is in here for a few days, don’t worry. How are you?” I ask, seeing the dark bags under her eyes.

She smiled weakly. “You could have told me.”

“It’s Lupin’s secret, and if I told you I was an—“ I drop my voice “— _animagious,_ I would have to tell you why. I wasn’t trying to keep something from you.”

“I know,” she said, looking down at her hands. “But you can trust me.”

“What, so you can kiss me and run away?” I tease.

Lily winced. “Fair. I shouldn’t have done that. If I stayed behind… you wouldn’t be here.”

“Well, Snape probably wouldn’t still be on the planet, so you saved a life. I’m tough. I survive.”

“You’re my boyfriend, I shouldn’t have tricked you.” She said quietly and fidgeted with her hands. I think she expected me to demand an explanation.

“As an astute prankster, I should have seen through your kiss.” I said back.

Lily smiled and rested her hand on the side of my face. “I’m sorry. I needed to help.” How could I be upset with her? It was bloody impossible.

“Of course you did, you ridiculous Gryffindor.”

“And if it’s any consolation, I promise to never trick you to run through a secret tunnel and stop a potential murder ever again.”

“What more could a bloke ask for?”I joked. Lily bent down and gave me a gentle kiss. “You look like you haven’t slept all night, why don’t you get rest? I’m fine.” I winced as I lifted my hand to stroke her cheek.

“Okay,” she agreed. “And when you’re out of here, we’ll find a proper place to talk. I’ll tell you everything. You can ask me whatever you want.”

“Likewise, love.”

Lily kissed my forehead and quietly left the hospital wing. With Lily, what I loved about our friendship was that everything was so natural. We never had to push one another to talk about something. Now, I realized relationships were different. If Snape was a big enough piece of Lily’s life for her to loose control in Hogsmeade and put her life in danger and trick me, I needed to know what happened between the two of them. I needed to help her get through this.

In a relationship, you act for the good of the other person; maybe Lily didn’t want to talk to me about Snape, but she needed to.

Lupin rolled over. “See? Secrets never say secret.”

James was going to have all kinds of questions when he woke up and thought about the night’s events. _Why did Lily insist on coming? How did I let her out of my sight? Why did she want to rescue Snape?_

“I’m going to tell him.” I said guiltily. Lupin looked dubious.

Madame Pomfrey saw I had come to and checked me over. After a few internal bleeding potions I was given a clean bill of health, but she insisted on keeping me overnight for observation. I was also suspended from Quidditch for a week. _(“Nasty sport will put you right back in here!”)_

On the afternoon of my release, I promptly walked down the corridors to find Lily. Luckily, I was saved from having to scour the castle when I found her reading in the Gryffindor common room. The book was a sleek leather-bound book with an embossed cauldron.

“Can we talk?” I asked, stopping just short of running into her legs.

“Hello to you as well, glad you’re feeling better,” she said sardonically. I chuckled. “Let’s,” she said standing up and smoothing her clothes. My eyes wandered over her, she caught my stare and smirked. We wordlessly walked together out of the common room.

The stroll to the Astronomy tower was pleasant, our fingers interlocked. When we finally climbed all the stairs, I was tempted to ignore the unsavory topic and stay in bliss. But I knew I couldn’t.

“I think we need to talk about Snape,” I said bravely.

Lily held her breath and then let it out in one long motion. “Okay.” I waited for her to talk on her own accord.

“We grew up in the same neighborhood. Severus would come to the playground where my sister and me would play. I was about that age where things started happening, you know. Showing my magic. I would blow the petals off flowers; make swings move on their own. I think I was eight when we first met. He would show me what he could do as well. Make blades of grass fly everywhere; change the color of his shirt. He was my first connection to the magical world, and was the first one to tell me what I was. Petunia wanted to be like us desperately. And when I got the letter and she didn’t, she turned against me. Everything out of her mouth was spiteful.”

I had the feeling I was hearing a story no one else had. Lily paused a moment to wipe away a lone tear. I resisted the overwhelming urge to encircle her in my arms and tell her it was okay, she didn’t have to continue.

“Sev got me through all the holidays. I made some friends at school naturally, but it’s hard walking into a wizarding world from the muggle one. I was behind at the start. He helped me in every subject, and would practice with me until I got spells right. So at school we hung out, but at home it was different. It was just the two of us everyday. I cared deeply for him, but I could see he was starting to care about me in a different way. He started to look at me different in about fourth year. I tried to ignore it. I did, for a while. In fifth year, he started asking me out. He would hold my hand, and put his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, and that stuff didn’t bother me. So I let him, but I shouldn’t have.” She commented, sounding angry with herself.

“It was happening at the same time Sev started hanging out with those awful Slytherins.” I knew who she meant. The ones who took bullying to a cruel level and enjoyed violence. The ones that wanted to join Voldemort. I shouldn’t have lead him on, I didn’t mean to. And one day he asked to kiss me, and I let him.” Her eyes were far, far away, staring at a spot on the wall. I was entranced by her story and furious with Snape at the same time. “I hoped if I gave him that he would, I don’t know, listen to me? Stop hanging out with them? It was stupid,” she chastised.

“You’re not stupid,” I comforted, unable to watch her in pain and stay reactionless. No matter how much I secretly wished no one came to Snape’s aid yesterday, I couldn’t let my anger flood out and impact Lily. It sounded like she had been through enough.

“I kissed him,” she picked back up. “And it was weird. He was my friend for so long and I never cared about him that way. But he thought it was great and we should date... and I told him no. He told me we had to stop hanging out, because he needed to get over me. So I stopped being around him. And then during OWLs… you remember. I think I hurt him more deeply than I knew and he wanted me to hurt too.” She said, tears flowing freely. “And it did. But I keep wanting to save him, dumb noble Gryffindor, right?”

I held her as she sobbed for herself against my jumper. She gave so much of herself to others; I wondered when she kept for herself. Now I knew the story of Lily and Snape and now I understand why she couldn’t let him die or couldn’t move on. He was still in need of savi ** **ng.** **


	11. Path to Discovery

I walked into the Hospital Wing carrying James’ books. “Morning, Madame Pomfrey.”

 

The young nurse bustled out of her office. “Well aren’t you a devoted friend,” she smiled. _A devoted friend swallowed whole by guilt…_

 

“Is he up?”

 

“He was a few minutes ago! I think you’ve got him at a good moment.”

 

Of course I wanted James to heal, Remus was in a right state about him. He had all but retreated to his four poster with the curtains drawn, except to free himself for courses and Prefect duties. I just didn’t want to face James’ questions. “Thanks.”

 

At the moment, James was the only occupant of the Hospital Wing. It was easy to see him, propped up, making a flower from his bedside table float in front of him. He dropped the flower and his face split into a grin when he saw me approach. “Padfoot!”

 

I picked up the pace in order to exchange a light handshake and hug. “Hey Prongs mate, how you holding up?”

 

“It’s not that bad,” James shrugged. I eyed the bandage around his neck which was crisp and white, but still seeped in dark red and purple.

 

“Your neck is a right state.”

 

“Eh, bet I could pass it off as a hickey.”

 

I barked out some laughter. “That’s a stretch, even for you.”

 

“I need to get out of here, and back to quidditch! It’s so boring.”

 

“I brought your school books.”

 

James looked disgusted. “Merlin, Padfoot, I’m not that bored.”

 

I dumped the books under his bed. He always put up a front of not caring about school work, but I knew when no one was looking he’d crack the text open and probably read well past where we needed to be. James wanted to be an Auror. In the past summers I witnessed James and his dad practice together. Mr. Potter always preached the importance of good OWLs and NEWTs. “Glad to hear it.”

 

The silence that settled wasn’t uncomfortable exactly, but I could tell something lurked underneath. “Whacked my head pretty good when Moony tossed me like a ragdoll.”

 

“Yeah?” I could easily picture Remus’ werewolf form tossing James’ stag by the antlers or neck. I should have gone, he should have stayed with Lily. She wouldn’t have been able to distract James and take advantage of him (or at least I hope she wouldn’t have snogged him).

 

“Yeah, makes most of that night fuzzy… How’s Moony taking it?”

 

“The usual.”

 

James groaned. “Is it as bad as the time he got Peter?”

 

“Peter was a baby about it, made it worse. But yeah, he won’t talk to us. Bet he’s going to try that bullshit lone wolf act again.” Last year when Remus injured Peter, he tried to cut himself off from the Marauders, but we wouldn’t let him.

 

“Typical. I’ll talk him down when I’m out, shouldn’t be too long now. Did Snape get out?”

 

“Unfortunately,” I hissed.

 

“Unharmed?”

 

I nodded gruffly.

 

“Is he keeping his mouth shut?”

 

“I reckon Dumbledore got to him and is making sure he is.”

 

James nodded thoughtfully. “What about Lily?”

 

“She’s completely fine. She got me up here.”

 

James furrowed his eyebrows. “You? What happened to you?”

 

“Got knocked around by the willow a bit.”

 

James nodded sympathetically, but I could see his brain was still furiously trying to make connections. “Lily wouldn’t leave if Snape wouldn’t leave… I didn’t realize they were…”

 

“Close?” I offered.

 

“Yeah. Do you reckon he… fancies her?”

 

I choked back an absurd laugh. I reckoned Snape loved Lily, but I didn’t know how well that information would serve James. “Dunno, he was awful during OWLs last term.”

 

James shook his head. “That makes it worse. He’s a greasy git.” James didn’t know the half of it. I hoped that was the end of James’ questions, but I knew how sharp he was.

 

“How did Lily get in the passage?” James looked at me, and I looked at the floor. I could feel his dark hazel eyes staring at me through his glasses.

 

“She got by me.” My voice was weak.

 

“She out duel you?” I brought my gaze up to his and I’m sure he could see the confliction inside of me and the grin slipped off his face. “What aren’t you telling me, Padfoot?”

 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Lily and I… are friends.”

 

“What?”

 

“We have been… for a while now.” His face looked exactly how I pictured: confused, a bit hurt and trying to understand how this truth could exist in the same world and friendship we lived in.

 

“For how long?”

 

“Since about third year.”

 

James closed his eyes. “You’ve been friends with Lily Evans for three years?”

 

“I sent Snape to the Whomping Willow because he threatened her, James. For hanging around me. He said he’d tell Regulus, and you know my family. They blasted me, their sixteen year old son, off the tapestry and threw me out this summer without a second thought. Snape said he’s joining Voldemort and he’d tell _him_. He threatened Lily’s safety and I… snapped.” Even though this wasn’t the full truth, it felt so good sharing some of this burden with James.

 

James swore under his breath. “That coward is joining up?”

 

“It could be smack, but I doubt it.”

 

I let James take his time to process everything. After a moment he asked what I dreaded. “How could you not tell me?” That was it: the root of the issue. I knew at the core this would feel like betrayal, because I was keeping something from someone who I counted as a brother far above my own flesh and blood.

 

“You’ve been after her since first year, mate. You put her up on this pedestal, but she’s just a person. A great, amazing, kind person, but still just a girl. I knew I couldn’t bring her ‘round without you being all over her, and I couldn’t keep it from you without feeling guilty, which I do. We’re complete opposites, but we have a shared background in messed up families. We just… match well together.”

 

James’ eyes narrowed. “You match well together?”

 

“As friends,” I added hurriedly.

 

James sighed and he ran his hand through his messy hair. “I guess I can understand, but that’s a long time, Padfoot. I’m capable of controlling myself.”

 

“You were going to ask her out with red smoke coming out of your broom,” I pointed out.

 

James glared. “Fair point. If she’s your mate, then I’ll drop it. I swear.” My heart fluttered, this was going better than I dared to dream. If James dropped his infatuation with her then maybe I could start to reveal our relationship… “In front of her at least. Does this mean you can put in a good word?”

 

I could have groaned. But at least James was back to his light self, making jokes and the ice between us was broken. We finished up conversation and I made my way back to Gryffindor common room. With her Prefect duties and me trying to catch up on work, I hadn’t seen Lily nearly as much as I would have liked the last few days.

 

I was disappointed by the absence of red hair in the common room and tried to think of where she could be. I could take the Marauder’s Map, but it somehow felt wrong using it to find Lily, my girlfriend, when I just told James she was my mate. I resolved to wait up in the common room for her.

 

Minutes passed.

 

Half hour…

 

One hour…

 

Students dropped off to bed one by one, until I was left solo in the room. Just when I was beginning to think maybe Lily went to bed impossibly early, the portrait hole burst open. Lily came in, carrying a jug and looking rather sweaty. A blue mist wafted out of the jug and it looked disproportionately heavy for its size. I jogged over and lifted it out of her hands.

 

“Oh, thank you!” Lily wiped her brow and collapsed in an armchair.

 

“Er, what should I do with this?”

 

“Just on the carpet is fine for now.”

 

I placed the jug down carefully, not knowing exactly what was inside it or what magical qualities said substance possessed.  “What is it?”

 

Lily’s eyes lit up and she looked around the room before leaning closer and whispering. “It’s Wolfsbane Potion. Sev told me about it, it was only invented a couple of years ago by Damocles, he won an Order of Merlin award for it. I’ve been reading up on it since… that night.” I gave Lily a blank stare, and I could tell she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. “It’s a potion that lets someone keep their wits about them during a full moon transformation.”

 

My jaw dropped. “You can cure him?”

 

“No, not exactly. It just, _calms_ the inner wolf. He’ll still transform on the outside, but he can decide what he does. Side effect is drowsiness… he might sleep through the whole thing.”

 

I kissed Lily hard on the mouth. “You’re bloody brilliant, you know that?”

 

She blushed. “I don’t know about that. He’s been so despondent during our rounds together, I feel terribly for him. So… I gave it a go. Took me ages to get it right, I’ve been working on it every morning and night before and after classes. It’s really tricky, and the ingredients are rare and expensive.”

 

I frowned. “Then how did you do it?”

 

Lily raised her eyebrows. “I _required_ them, so they appeared.”

 

I was thoroughly impressed; Lily was well on her way to becoming a marauder. “Have I told you how brilliant you are?”

 

“I think you mentioned it, yeah.” Lily smiled and her nose wrinkled. “Where’s Remus? He won’t need to take it until the week before the full moon, but I thought I could tell him about it and figure out how to store this batch. I’ll have to make two more to be enough for the month.”

 

“That’s a lot,” I pointed out.

 

“Well, I figure I can teach you and Remus and Peter and…”

 

“James?”

 

Lily’s energy was colder. “Right. James.”

 

“Funnily enough I just came from visiting him in the hospital wing.”

 

“How is he?”

 

“On the mend, and he asked about us.”

 

“What did you say?” Lily tried to seem disinterested, not daring to get her hopes up. I felt even more guilty; what kind of boyfriend was I that my girlfriend couldn’t even trust me to claim her? Should I have told James the full truth?

 

“I told him we’ve been friends since third year. And I told him Snape threatened you for having an affiliation with me and that he could carry that information to my family or to Voldemort.”

 

“Wow.” Lily nodded her head to absorb what I was telling her. “How did he react?”

 

“Bit shocked at first, but then it ended with him asking to put in a good word. He said he’d knock off the antics, and I’m hoping he’ll get sort of, desensitized to you.” Lily was silent. “What? We can hang out properly now!”

 

“I know, I’m happy… It’s just not the full truth.”

 

What could I say? Lily was right, of course; she was still my secret. The fleeting triumph I felt at James’ acceptance deflated with Lily’s disapproval. I moved off my couch and knelt in front of Lily’s armchair to grab her hands and look into her eyes. “If you want me to march back down to the Hospital Wing and tell James we’re dating, I will.”

 

I was in far too deep now. Especially since James’ reaction was so much more timid than my nightmares pictured, I figured our friendship could survive another confession. Maybe he wouldn’t talk to me today, this week, or this month, but we could bounce back.

 

Lily searched my eyes for signs of deceit and found none. “I appreciate it. Maybe after he gets the gauze off his neck and cheers Remus up, yeah? I don’t want to add to the… drama of your friend group.”

 

“Marauders,” I added, raising up to sit on the plump arm of her chair. Lily wrinkled her nose. “What?!”

 

“It’s a bit pretentious to give your group of friends a nickname.”

 

“Well now you know why we have to use code,” I pointed out. “It developed out of necessity, not arrogance.”

 

“For James I think it’s both,” Lily said darkly.

 

I raised my eyebrows and placed my arm around her shoulder. “You know if we hang around him you may have to put the talons away.”

 

“I will if he stops chasing me like a dog. Or a stag. You know what I mean.” I was already grimacing at the lame pick up lines I would witness. “How would you feel about that? James hitting on me in front of you?”

 

I swallowed uncomfortably. Lily leaned closer, her breath tickling my ear and caressing my neck. “Think you could handle it?”

 

At the moment I was having difficulty concentrating on anything other than the feeling of my right side which pressed against Lily’s body and her open mouth pressing gently against the hollow of my neck. I didn’t remember the first question, or even my name for that matter.

 

“He said he would lay off…” I croaked, in a not at all sexy way. Lily stood up and gently pulled me down from the arm into the base of the chair before sitting on my lap. As if that wasn’t enough, she kept eye contact with me the entire time. Suddenly I understood how mermaids and veelas bewitched unsuspecting blokes. I was in such a stupor that even after she settled on top of me and linked her hands behind my neck, my arms stayed limply by my side.

 

Lily traced her hands down my chest and outwards until they rested on top of mine. She guided them up until I rested on the spanse of her hips. Lily looked pleased with herself and replaced her hands on my neck to gently pull to close the gap between us.

 

I was, in some distant far off way, aware we were in the middle of the Gryffindor common room. And despite the late hour, another student could swing through the portrait hole and discover us. But as Lily opened her lips and pushed her tongue into my mouth, I’m also sure the entire bloody castle could be on fire and I wouldn’t move an muscle.

 

If this had been any other girl, I would have already pulled on the hem of her shirt. But as intoxicating as Lily was, I still had difficulty believing she was really mine. I treated her and our relationship delicately, terrified of doing anything untoward and scaring her away. Especially after all we shared over the summer. I knew I was still markedly more experienced than she was, even though we were both virgins.

My hands moved to her lower back and pulled her closer (if that was possible). I heard her breath catch and I was instantly obsessed with the sound. I wanted to hear her again and figure out everything I could do to please her. The ends of her hair brushed against my knuckles and I followed the strands up until my hands were clutching at the roots to ground her to me. Lily smiled into our kiss and I wondered what would happen if I pulled slightly. I gently tugged back so I could gain access to the column of her neck and she made a louder sound of satisfaction. To retaliate, she pushed her torso down against me and I was unsure if she could feel the growing bulge in my pants.

We were fully snogging in the Gryffindor common room. Lily's fingers found the hem of my sweater and her nails scratched at the sensitive skin under my navel and I knew we needed to stop, but I didn't know how. How could I say no to her? Then I got a flash of James' face, still swollen and scratched laying in his hospital wing bed. _Ah, there's the way to destroy a mood._

I put my hands on her waist and squeezed her sides. "Lily." It was a whisper. She pulled back and her eyes took a moment to open. Her lips were swollen and hair askew; she was gorgeous. And still very much atop me. "We should stop."

Her eyes clouded for a moment. "You don't want to?"

"Merlin! No!" My voice was loud and I regulated my tone before speaking again. "I just don't fancy a random first year stumbling on us."

Lily instantly brightened. "We could go to my dorm."

I nearly choked on the air I was breathing. I figured when I slowed down she would be bashful or agree to stop. "No we can't, the stairs turn into a slide."

Lily's eyebrows raised. "Beg pardon?"

"Fourth year. McGonagall cursed them to turn into a slide if any bloke made it over halfway up." ( _“As a matter of precaution,”_ _the professor said looking straight at James and I_.)

"What about your dorms?"

My eyes widened. "My dorms? With Remus, Peter and James?"

"James is in the Hospital Wing," Lily reminded me. "And Lupin is on patrols." I knew Peter would be snoring by now; it was entirely possible I could sneak Lily upstairs and that thought made all the blood rush out of my brain. But I still had enough sense not to accept her boldness at face value.

I rubbed my hand up and down Lily's outer thigh. "Why do you want to go upstairs, love." I was quiet and her smile flickered.

"You can't recognize a proposition, Black?" She joked, but I could tell her bravado was false.

"Oh I recognize a proposition," I said letting my hand linger at the top of her hip and tracing toward the inside of her thigh with my thumb. "I just don't recognize your… urgency. Are you really ready to go there?"

Lily opened her mouth as if to assent, but then closed it. "Maybe," she mumbled.

I put my finger under her chin to bring her eyes up to my gaze. "Hey, I don't even know if I'm ready. My head's a mess at the moment. You're bloody hypnotizing," she cracked a weak smile. "But we can wait as long as we want to. I'm not going anywhere."

"You're not… bored?" Lily asked, looking anywhere but my face.

"What, charging into certain death and sneaking into unknown rooms to brew experimental potions isn't exciting enough for you anymore, Evans?"

Lily's uncertainty broke into a laugh. “Good point.”

 

I leaned up and kissed her once again hard, trying to convince her my words were true. “I am completely infatuated with you. I could have the time of my life sitting across from you in the library.”

 

“Do you know where the library is?” Lily asked, feigning concern.

 

“I’m serious,” I chirped.

 

Lily avoided the easy joke. “Thank you.”

 

“What should we do with this?” I pointed down to the smoking blue liquid.

 

“I’ll store it in my room until I can talk to Remus about it tomorrow.”

 

“He’s going to be excited.”

 

“I hope so.” Lily climbed off me and held out her hand to pull me up. “Maybe we should talk to everyone at once? We could visit James in the hospital wing.”

 

“What about people overhearing?” I asked.

 

“I know a charm.” She shrugged. Lily Evans: the woman of mystery. She hoisted the thick jug and I walked her to her staircase.

 

“All right, we’ll talk tomorrow. Good night, love.” I kissed her forehead.

 

“Good night, darling.” A slight thrill ran down my spine, recognizing this as the first time Lily adopted some sort of moniker for me. I think if any other girl attempted to call me that I would have rolled my eyes, but it felt so right coming from her.

 

I watched as she climbed the stairs with the cumbersome jug and smiled before returning to my own four-poster and picturing in vivid detail how my night may have been different if I had successfully snuck Lily upstairs. It was early morning before I was able to nod off.

 

***

 

At a late breakfast the next morning, I kept levitating small lumps of butter in front of Remus’ face in an attempt to force him to speak, but he kept his chin slumped onto his right arm and looked wistfully into his lap. He didn’t even bother to swat away the offending food when I accidentally brushed it against his nose.

 

I only stopped when I saw Lily come into the hall and make her way over to our seats. “Morning, Sirius, Remus, Peter.” She nodded to each of us in turn as she grabbed a muffin and started pulling it apart.

 

Remus looked up finally and smiled weakly while Peter’s mouth fell open, revealing the half-eaten food inside. “It’s Lily,” he pointed out, rather unhelpfully.

 

“Well spotted, Peter.” I said dully. “Good morning, Lily.”

 

Peter’s mouth stayed open until I threw a bit of butter into it, which he proceeded to swallow whole.

 

“Uh, Remus. I was hoping I could talk to you and Sirius, Peter and James about something.”

 

Remus looked up again and spoke meekly. “Of course you must have questions. I can answer anything you need to know. And if you’d rather not be Prefects together anymore, or--”

 

“Merlin, Moony. She’s trying to talk about something positive and you’re getting your sadness all over it.”

 

Lily’s eyes were wide with surprise about Remus’ instant reaction to distance himself, however Peter and I were more than used to it. “Er, I think it is a positive thing! I just thought it would be easier to talk with all of us in one room…” she trailed off.

 

I stood up. “Right. To the hospital wing?”

 

“I haven’t finished yet,” Peter complained.

 

“For the whole table’s benefit, I’m declaring you have. Cummon.” I yanked Peter by the collar and he yelped before stumbling to his feet. Lily stood and only Remus remained seated.

 

“Please, Remus?” She asked, gently placing her hand on his shoulder. He was surprised, and I sadly wondered when the last time someone (other than a Marauder) touched him. I don’t know if it was because he wasn’t yet desensitised to Lily’s plees or because he genuinely wanted to know what she had to say, but he stood up to follow us.

 

As we walked down the corridor, Lily reached for my hand out of habit but I tugged back gently to remind her of our still existing limitations. I turned and saw Remus behind us, expression vacant. Oblivious Peter was leading the pack, so I doubt he noticed.

 

Finally, we barged into the Hospital Wing, startling Madame Pomfrey as she rummaged through a cabinet. “Goodness! I didn’t expect so many student visitors early Saturday morning!”

 

“Is James awake?” Peter asked.

 

“I don’t believe so…” she trailed off, gazing toward the only bed with the curtains drawn.

 

“No problem,” I assured her, striding boldly toward the bed. When I reached my destination, I ripped the curtains back and immediately jumped where James’ feet were under the covers. “Wake up, Prongs!”

 

“Mr. Black! I must insist--”

 

“RISE AND SHINE!” I called. Madame Pomfrey walked quickly to me while Lily and Peter doubled over with laughter. Remus cracked a smile, but still stood slightly away from his peers.

 

“Oy, I’m up mate.” James grumbled. I flopped down unceremoniously and James wiped his eyes. He reached over to put on his glasses and by the time he could see, the rest of the Marauders and Lily were fanned around his bedside.

 

His cheeks flushed when he saw Lily and his hand instantly went to muse his hair. _For Merlin’s sake_ . Lily pulled the curtains back again to block the view of Madame Pomfrey, who disapprovingly ducked into her office. “I have something I’d like to share with all of you.” she began. “But before I do, _mufflato_.” Lily’s wand pointed toward Madam Pomfrey’s office.

 

“What was that?” I asked.

 

“Just a spell I picked up--it keeps others from being able to eavesdrop on your conversation.”

 

James brows raised and looked impressively at Lily. “It’s good to see you.”

 

She glared at him for interrupting, but held her tongue. “Ever since last week, I’ve been doing some research… Remus, have you heard of the Wolfsbane Potion?” He shook his head. Remus avoided looking at James and I could feel the shame radiating off him. “Well, it’s a newer potion, and rather complicated to brew, but when done correctly and drank by a werewolf for the week before the full moon, the subject is able to maintain their mind during a transformation.”

 

The group fell into awed and in Peter’s case, confused, silence. “So you’re saying Remus could… stay himself?”

 

“Well, the physical transformation would still take place. But his brain wouldn’t be taken over by the inner wolf, so to say. And from what I’ve read, the biggest side effect is drowsiness, so he may just sleep through the full moon.”

 

“Why doesn’t the Hospital Wing have it?” James inquired.

 

“Well, like I said, it’s new. The ingredients are rather expensive and it’s tricky to make. It’s not stocked in every medicine cabinet. There’s also a quick expiration date, after a month from the finish date it’s useless,” Lily reasoned.

 

“How would we get some?” Peter’s furrowed eyebrows looked like they were trying to knit together and create a barrier between his nose and forehead.

 

“Well, I’ve brewed some,” Lily admitted, her cheeks flushing red.

 

James’ mouth dropped open. “How?”

 

“I followed the directions,” Lily said defensively.

 

“Got that. How did you get the ‘expensive’ ingredients and where did you brew it?”

 

Like I’ve said before, James may be a pretty boy, but he’s far from stupid. “I showed her the Room of Requirement.” I said.

 

“You _what_?” James snapped.

 

Remus looked up at me, realizing the pretenses that Lily and I used the Room of Requirement for were far from potion making. “Watch your voice! Yes, she helped me with my broken ribs after the quidditch match and we used it. Then she went back alone this past week and brewed the potion. She just told me last night.” Everything I said was technically true.

 

James shook his head. “It was a Marauder’s secret.”

 

“It was a Hogwarts secret,” I challenged. “We couldn’t find it again for months. I don’t think we can claim credit.”

 

“I know Remus is a werewolf, you lot are illegal animaguses, and you’re sore over a room _in a school we all go to_?” Lily hissed.

James crossed his arms. “Right. Well... I was just curious.”

 

Lily glared at him. “Great. Now I have enough for three doses, so we need to make two more batches. Each batch takes a week, meaning we should be done with all of it a few days before Remus needs to take it.”

 

“Can’t we just double the recipe or charm it for more?” Peter, of course.

 

Lily took on the patient tone of a mother explaining a simple concept to a young child. “Doubling the recipe creates an improper reaction between ingredients and it would become deadly. Charming the potion dilutes it, and the more you try and increase the volume the less potent it is.” He sat back disgruntled in his chair.

 

“I figured I could brew one with Sirius, Peter, Remus and James when you get out, so each of you know how to so we can rotate for the next month.”

 

Remus shook his head. “I can’t let you all take on that burden. Thank you Lily, for the work you’ve done and for trying to help me, it means a lot. You’re incredibly kind, but this is too much.”

 

I was sick of Remus’ deflection and forced isolation. “We took on the burden of becoming animagi and you think we won’t brew a potion once a month to help you?”

 

“I never asked you to do that,” Remus said sharply.

 

“But we did it anyway, because we’re your mates. No offense, but this is way easier than changing into an animal and chasing you through the woods all night. Before you get all distraught, we know what we signed up for. I’m in the hospital wing because of me, not you. I made my choices. Really I’m in here because Snape wouldn’t get out of the damn passage,” James said lightly.

 

Remus looked dubious. “Thank you. You’re gracious, but this is time consuming and with quidditch or Prefect duties--”

 

“I can brew all the batches by myself.” Lily said stubbornly. “But then I probably will fall behind. So if you don’t let them help me, you’re punishing me, the girl you just called, what was it… incredibly lovely?”

 

“Kind,” I corrected with a grin. Lily fit in so well already. Half of your time as a Marauder was spent talking Remus off some ledge. But he’s so wholly good and loyal that friendship with him more than made up for it.

 

“Right, the incredibly kind girl, are you going to let her get behind in her studies?”

 

“She’s right, Moony,” James piled on, staring at Lily like she was the sun and the moon. I recognized the look because I wore it most of the time.

 

“We’ll see how it goes this month.” He succumbed to our collective pressure. We all let out a whoop or cheer of celebration only to be scolded immediately by Madame Pomfrey and asked to leave the Hospital Wing. Good to know Lily’s charm couldn’t prevent all noise from being heard.

 

“Wait, Lily and Sirius can I talk to you for a moment?”

 

Madam Pomfrey’s good natured face pointed into a frown. “Students do not make the rules, Mr. Potter.”

 

“You’re absolutely right, I just wanted to get the homework from our classes quickly-- Lily or Sirius are in all of my periods.”  James’ skills at flattery and manipulation never ceased to amaze me.

 

“Five minutes, not a second more.”Madame Pomfrey said sternly. She waved her want and an hourglass appeared on James’ bedside table, sand slipping through the the center at a relentless place. Once the three of us were alone, my heart started beating faster.

 

James looked awkward as he decided where to begin. “Sirius told me you two are… friends.” Neither of us corrected him, so he continued. “I wanted to apologize if my… attempts to date you made you feel like you had to hide your friendship.” Although we were both standing next to each other, James had eyes only for Lily.

 

“Frankly, I don’t feel the need to inform you about my social relationships,” Lily said stiffly. “But Sirius wanted to make you aware, so now you are.”

 

To his credit, James didn’t recoil from Lily’s icy tone. “I appreciate it. You’re welcome around us any time and I will refrain from making you more uncomfortable.”

 

“You’ll stop asking me out?”

 

James hesitated. “...Yes.”

 

“Great, because I have a boyfriend anyway.”

 

James’ jaw dropped open and mine clenched. Lily may not have realized it, but she just lit a fire in James’ brain. Now he would stop at nothing to find out who Lily’s boyfriend was. She set it up well with her earlier comment about her private social relationships; I would bear the brunt of his questioning.

 

He coughed to try and hide his surprise. “Er, right. Well, just wanted to welcome you I guess, to being an honorary Marauder.”

 

Lily’s face was stoney until I subtly nudged her foot with mine. “Thank you.”

 

After that she turned on her heel and left. I braced myself for an onslaught of questions, but the last of the sand escaped from the top of the hourglass and a large GONG sounded, vibrating the machine and shattering it. Before the shards could hit the floor they disintegrated into the air.

 

“Time to leave, Mr. Black!” Madame Pomfrey shouted from her office.

 

“I’ll come back tomorrow, yeah?” I offered.

 

James bit his cheek, but nodded. “See ya, Padfoot.”

 

“Later, Prongs.”

 

I jogged away from his bed in an attempt to catch up with Lily, only to find her waiting for me against the wall adjacent to the Hospital Wing entrance.

 

“You know James’ will stop at nothing to find out who you’re dating, right?” I asked. I kept my tone neutral, but I was slightly angry. We talked about this last night, and yet she was already put James on the trail of discovery to our relationship.

 

“I wanted to buy myself some harassment-free time,” Lily said darkly. “And if he finds out, he finds out! Didn’t you offer to tell him last night?”

 

“Yes,” I said slowly. “But it would be a lot better for me to tell him than for him to dig it up, and now that you’ve mentioned it I either have to turn around and explain myself, or risk him finding out in the future and know I’ve been lying.”

 

Lily slowed her walk. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it like that. James makes me so much angrier than anyone else… I lose my patience.”

 

“I know. But behind the hair gel and money, he’s a good bloke. His family has completely taken me in.”

 

Lily stopped walking. “He really is your brother, yeah?”

 

“Much more than Regulus is.”

 

Lily studied my face for a minute. “Okay, then let’s keep it a secret. I won’t be responsible for breaking that up and leaving you an orphan. Although I know my mum will always let you stay with us.”

 

I was surprised and grateful. A group of Ravenclaws started walking down our corridor and I automatically took a step back from her. Once they passed, I enveloped her in a hug. “Thank you, Lily.”

 

“What are girlfriends for?”

 

***

 

The last full moon of the term was the day before we all left for the holidays and we were ready. Lily taught me, Remus and Peter how to brew the potion for a week and then James. Of course, I accompanied her to the Room of Requirement for those sessions, wanting James to emerge as a whole person rather than blown up into bits.

 

I was incredibly interested to see what the results of our labors were. Remus took the potion at dusk each night. I’m not sure if I was imagining it or if his skin was less sallow and sickly than usual. He was more tired, but less nauseous and ill. Lily took copious notes each morning and night in a notebook, tracking his progress.

 

Although he tried to hold back his excitement, I know he was hoping this medicine could change his life for the better.

 

“I need to come and observe,” Lily whined at dinner the night of the full moon. Remus was already in the Hospital Wing, where Madam Pomfrey would escort him to the Whomping Willow.

 

“Absolutely not,” I said between bites of mashed potato. I loaded up on food, knowing I usually expended much more energy transforming than usual.

 

“He’s right, Lily. It’s dangerous, you barely got out last time. You saw how moody Moony gets when any of us are injured; it’d be even worse if he hurt you.” James gulped down a swig of pumpkin juice.

 

Lily glared at him before turning back to me. “You’ve seen me, I can handle myself.”

 

“Fighting off Snape who doesn’t want to really hurt you, is different than defending yourself from a twelve foot carnivorous wolf who can’t recognize who you are.” I grabbed another roll and viciously buttered it.

 

“I told you, he’s not going to be like that this time!”

 

“We all hope so, but we can’t bet your life on it.” James said seriously. I was proud of him for saying no to Lily. I did believe his increased exposure around her was doing him some good. She still caught him staring at her and snapped, but their famous feuds simmered to terse bickering.

 

“Oy, I’ve got an idea.” I pulled the small enchanted mirror out of my pocket and tossed it to Lily.

 

James’ eyes widened. “Are you going to hand over all our secrets to a Prefect?”

 

“Remus is a Prefect,” Lily snapped, running her fingers over the smooth surface. “You gave Sirius this, right?”

 

James puffed up his chest. “Yes, my family spent the summer in Paris.” James took an identical mirror out of his pocket and whispered “ _Lily Evans_.” His hazel eyes appeared in the shimmering surface and Lily smiled. I felt a tug of jealousy, but easily dismissed it. I was the one Lily was with (and snogged quite thoroughly). James’ cheeks turned pink.

 

“Brilliant,” Lily said happily. “I can watch everything from the mirror and take notes. Will that make you happy?”

 

“Ecstatic,” I assured, pouring gravy on my new mountain of potatoes. Lily scrunched her nose before pocketing the mirror and turning back to her own dinner. James watched the exchange with careful eyes, before stowing his own mirror. He spent most of his time watching Lily and I. It made me uneasy, but I assumed he was trying to understand what she saw in me instead of him when I was objectively the less attractive option for friendship.

 

After dinner we split ways from Lily and slipped under the invisibility cloak. “You’re different with her,” James whispered as we crossed the threshold to the Hogwarts grounds.

 

“What’da mean?” I asked, trying to avoid stepping on the back of Peter’s shoes.

 

“I mean with Lily. You’re… lighter. And calmer.”

 

I chuckled. “You can’t treat girl mates exactly like blokes, Prongs. I can’t wrestle her or hit her with a quaffle when she’s being daft.” I couldn’t see James’ face and wondered what his expression looked like.

 

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s just different.” We made it thirty yards from the tree and sat down, pulling the cloak off. Peter occupied himself with a stolen roll from the Great Hall and James started picking at the grass with his hands. “Maybe I should treat her more like a bloke.”

 

I barked out laughter. “Sure mate, whatever you think. I think not asking her out has gone a long way.”

 

“Yeah?” James turned to me hopefully. “Think it’s been long enough?”

 

“It’s been two weeks, that’s not long enough.”

 

James’ grin collapsed.

 

“I think it’s time,” Peter said quietly. I honestly forgot he was there for a moment.

 

James got to his feet. “Too right, Wormy. Do your thing.”

 

Peter collapsed out of his clothes and I made them translucent. Once the tree was still, James and I entered the passageway, wands held high. Peter stayed in his rat form and scurried ahead of us. The tunnel was even chillier than the approaching winter air and I fastened my cloak closed.

 

“What do you think Moony’ll be like?” James asked, face trained front.

 

“Dunno. I think it’d crush Lily if her potion didn’t help, she always needs to save someone.” I thought of Snape and tried to keep the bitterness out of my tone.

 

“Maybe that’s why she’s friends with you,” James joked.

 

“What do you mean?” I asked defensively.

 

“You’re essentially an orphan, black sheep of your family at the very least. If Lily’s drawn to damage then…” James trailed off, chancing a glance at my face. I was silent. I never dreamt Snape and I could have anything in common, but here we were, two dark magic misfits beloved in some way or another by the same woman. James cleared his throat to break the quiet. “We’re here.”

 

The usual scratching and howling was absent. I couldn’t hear anything behind the door. “Do we transform?”

 

“I don’t hear anything,” James said slowly. He took a few steps forward and pushed the door open. In front of us was a wolf curled up on a ratty bed mattress against the far wall. We entered the room cautiously, stepping on each plank deliberately. On the fourth step, the house creaked loudly and I winced. The werewolf perked its head up and stared at the two of us. Even though I’ve seen Moony as a werewolf plenty of times, I held my breath in his perilous gaze. He seemed to decide we weren’t worth the trouble and put his head back down.

 

James let out a small laugh of delight. “It worked!”

 

I took the mirror out of my pocket and whispered “Lily Evans.” Her face anxiously appeared in my reflection. I signaled her to be quiet and she nodded in understanding. I flipped the mirror around to show the sleeping wolf and then flipped it back to see her beaming. She gave me a thumbs up and I delivered one back to her. I tucked the mirror away and looked up to see James staring longingly at the spot where Lily’s face was.

 

“I wish she could see me that way,” James said moodily.

 

“I’ve got a bit of a head start on you, mate. And I’m… damaged.” I said distastefully. “You’re right. You’ve got money and loving parents and athletic talent and brains, you need to be humble around her.”

 

James nodded. “I can do that.”

 

“Do we stay here? Seems like there’s not a night of mystery and frolicking ahead of us.”

 

James shrugged. “We’ve always spent the full moons together since we could. Why not?”

 

I nodded in agreement and sunk down on a hole-ridden sofa in the corner. James plopped next to me and the springs whined in protest. Wormtail scurried by our feet and curled his small rat body into a ball; his beady eyes were closed immediately.

 

James and I spent the night talking about random memories: pranks we’ve pulled, narrow escapes from detention, favorite quidditch matches, dirty jokes. My face ached from laughing so hard. It had been ages since we had a night like this and it helped me remember why James was my best friend, and why I worked so hard to protect his feelings at all cost.

 

It wasn’t until the sun started to rise that James lightly elbowed me in my side and said, “Padfoot? Who is Lily dating?”


	12. Love in Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I ask Lily to come to James' over the holidays, and he loses his bloody mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy some Christmas fluff before some serious angst.

**The Winter of 6th Year**

Moony’s first full moon on the potion ended as uneventfully as it began. Once the sun came up and I swore on James’ mum’s grave that I didn’t know the bloke Lily was dating (sorry Mrs. Potter), we left Moony’s sleeping form and trekked back to the the castle under James’ cloak. Lily was asleep in a common room armchair by the fire when we entered. I grinned like an idiot as the sun creeped through a window and shone across her fiery hair, but schooled my face before taking off the cloak and approaching her as James stayed near the portrait hole. 

I nudged her shoulder and bent down to her eye-level. “Lily, wake up…” Her eyes shot open and she sat straight up in the chair looking around in panic. “Hey, shhhh, shhhh, you’re fine. It’s just me.” I rubbed her shoulder reassuringly as her eyes fully dilated and she adjusted to her surroundings.

“Sirius?”

“Right here. And James,” I added quickly, gesturing with my head in his direction. Lily immediately righted herself and pulled a blanket over her skirted legs.

“How was the night?” Her voice was still foggy and far away, I could tell whatever troubled her dreams was still floating in her mind.

“Uneventful, you missed nothing.” James took a few tentative steps forward. I fought the urge to pull Lily into my arms and soothe her.

Lily smiled gently. “That’s great. We’ll get to work on the next batch after break, we have enough to store over the holiday.”

“I’m not great at potions, I may need a bit more supervision before we trust my batches,” James said earnestly.

I wanted to roll my eyes.  _ Please. Extra potion help? Close supervision? _ Although, this was James’ most subtle tactic to get Lily’s individual attention to date.

Lily was quicker and smoother than him; she practiced dodging his advances for the past six years. “Sirius has got it down pat, he can team up with you. Plus, you two have the same quidditch schedule. It’s perfect. Me and Remus can work together around our rounds.”

“And leave Peter alone?” I said surprised.

Lily hesitated. “He can join one of our two groups.”

“For the best,” I agreed. During our back and forth James sat like a petulant child who had his cookie taken away. I’m sure quidditch practices would be gruelling for the next couple of days as a result of his rejection.

“Right, well I’m heading upstairs for a lie in.” James felt the need to add, “Coming, Padfoot?”

“In a bit, see you up there.” James’ eyes darted between the two of us and his scowl deepened before he turned on his heel and stepped harder than necessary up the dormitory stairs.  

“Glad he’s getting his beauty sleep,” Lily muttered.

“Don’t mind him, he’s put out you said no to his potion date.”

Lily snorted. “More covert than usual, but still an ask.” 

“Never mind that, what was wrong? What did you dream?”

Lily’s light face turned somber. “I dreamed I went home for the holiday and saw the… the Dark Mark over my house.”

I was surprised Lily knew about the Dark Mark; it wasn’t common knowledge. The Dark Mark was Voldemort’s brand for his gang of thugs, each of them had it tattooed on their forearm. Distant relatives showed theirs off this past summer. But then again, with Snape joining the moronic group of murders, I guess she must have learned it through him.

“That’s not going to happen.” I promised her, sitting next to her in the cushy chair.

“What if Snape wants to get revenge on me for rejecting him?”

My hands curled into tight fists on my lap. “Then I will out-duel him.” I wanted to say  _ I would murder him _ , but that sounded a bit macabre, so I let my unspoken promise hang in the air.

Lily sighed and tucked her hair behind her ears. “Sorry, I’m being stupid.”

“No, these are dark times. It’s been ages since a Wizarding War and you’re right to be nervous. But there are measures you can take. Charms we can put up around your house, I reckon Dumbledore himself would help if we went to him.”

Lily’s eyes widened. “Do you think I should disconnect my house from the Floo Network? Could they track my parents through there?”

I paused. “It’s not a bad idea.” Lily nodded, and I could feel her relax once identifying a task she could concretely perform to make her parents safer. “Are you staying there for the entire break?”

“Well Alice and I were planning to get together for New Year’s Eve, but we hadn’t decided what to do.”

I grinned, wondering why the hell I hadn’t thought of this before. “James’ family throws a New Year’s ball every year. Come. Both of you. James would be over the moon.”

“Just James?” Lily said, looking up at me through her lashes.

“I’d be over the moon,” I corrected in a low tone. “Plus Potter Manor is one of the safest places outside of Hogwarts. They have enough money to make a fortress, so that’s what they’ve done.”

“I’ll tell Alice and write you when I get home,” she promised.

The train for holiday was leaving later that afternoon, and I still had no sleep from the night before. I was staying at James’ house for the entirety of break, which I had done each term since second year. My first year I stayed behind alone rather than return to Grimmauld Place. Once James found out, he was horrified and made me swear I would always accompany him home.

“Sounds like a plan, love. I’m going to lay down and I’ll see you before we leave?”

“I still have James’ mirror,” Lily brandished the small object from her pocket. “Call me.”

I chuckled. “First rule of being a Marauder is always cheer Remus up. Second, always knick James’ stuff. You’re fitting right in.”

“Good,” Lily said happily before kissing me quickly and running up the stairs to her room. I slowly brought myself to my feet and trudged upstairs, enjoying the dark silence of my familiar bed. In moments, I was asleep.

***

Lily and I nearly missed the train, saying a lengthy goodbye in a broom cupboard before finally running to the platform. I barged into the customary Marauder compartment (last one on the left, -farthest from the Prefect compartment) out of breath, hair askew.

“Look who finally joined us,” Peter said, attempting sarcasm but his tone was slightly flat.

“Ran into Peeves on my way out,” I lied easily.

“Annoying we can’t hex a poltergeist,” James commented, not looking up from the  _ Quidditch Quarterly  _ he was buried in.

“Quite,” I agreed. “But, I do have good news.”

“Go on then,” Peter urged, ripping open a chocolate frog from the small mound next to him. Before he could grab the bewitched treat, it hopped on the floor and through the small slot into the train hallway, vanishing from sight.

“Bad luck,” James chided. 

“Blimey, I got Dumbledore again.” Peter tossed it aside before grabbing another pack. 

“I got Lily to agree to come to your New Year’s ball,” I chimed in.

James dropped his  _ Quidditch Quarterly _ . “How?”

“I asked her? She wants to bring Alice too, I said that was fine.”

“Of course it’s fine! She can bring anyone she wants, anyone.” James’ eyes started moving back and forth at a rapid pace like he was reading furiously. “I wonder if mum’ll let me change the theme.”

“What?” I laughed. Peter’s second chocolate frog hopped on top of his head and down the back of his shirt.

“The theme! It’s something horribly daft and boring. I wonder if I could change it to ‘Love in Paris’? Kiss her at midnight under an Eiffel Tower? With fireworks? Or maybe something--”

I saw no way around it. I slapped James across the face. Peter stopped squirming in his seat and James gingerly put his hand to his slightly red face. The compartment was silent.

“I needed that,” James finally said nodding his head.

“Yes you did. Lily is coming, the party is fine and you need to relax. You know she hates when you do things in front of crowds to single her out. She’s going to be impressed by your house and your parents, you don’t need the Eiffel Tower.” I reasoned. A small, desolate part of me was worried Lily would see all James could offer her and wonder what the hell she was doing with me.

“You’re brilliant.” James said, and gold sparks shot out of the tip of his wand laying next to him on the seat. Peter lifted his feet to avoid getting singed. “Maybe I’ll get new dress robes on our trip.”

James meant our annual Diagon Alley shopping trip. Like typical blokes, we waited until Christmas Eve to buy gifts in order to get all the shops’ bargains. The mention of presents made me ponder what I should purchase for Lily; she was my most stressful person on my list (considering the others were James, Peter, Remus, Mr. Potter and Mrs. Potter).

“Your old ones are fine.” Peter piped in, finally pulling the melting frog out of his jumper before plopping it in his mouth.

James spent the remainder of the train trip fussing over what color his new robes would be and writing out notes of things to ask his mother about the evening. I chose to pick up his discarded  _ Quidditch Quarterly _ and read the beater tips as Peter gorged on chocolate.

 

***

“What should I get your mum?” We had only been in Diagon Alley for an hour and our arms were already laden with parcels with gifts for others and ourselves. 

“Dunno. A picture of you to hang over her bed as her favorite son?”

I barked with laughter. “Right, I’m the mangy stray dog she fed one time and won’t leave.”

James stopped in front of Flourish and Blotts. “She wanted a new quill, want to go halfsies?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. We bought a handsome quill and set of inks for Mrs. Potter before emerging again in the bitter cold.

“I need to get something for my uncle who hosted us this summer. Want to split up for a bit?” James asked.

“Yes!” I agreed brightly. James turned without another word and the wind whipped his unruly hair in many directions. I waited until he was lost in the crowd before going the opposite way. I ducked into Wisceacre’s Wizarding Equipment.

The displays were filled with antique silver, gold, and bronze artifacts ranging from small pieces of jewelry to ornate mirrors taller than myself. Rings felt too loaded with meaning, but a random trinket felt impersonal. Finally I saw a circular locket with a delicate silver chain laying on a table in the back of the store. Small emeralds sprinkled the locket’s lid amongst an intricate engraved design.

I picked up the locket and attempted to pry open the small compartment, but it remained closed. I brought it to the shopkeeper, an elderly but sharp woman. “Excuse me, does this locket open?”

“Of course it opens.” She said brusquely. “I don’t keep faulty items in my shop. There’s a passcode. The wearer must say ‘ _ alohamora corintima _ .’ The locket then pries open and shows the member of his or her deepest affections.”

“Shows a picture?” I asked, feeling dumb.

“No. It’s a bit like a crystal ball, I suppose. Shows the person and what they’re doing. Only a dozen of them ever made from a genius metal worker before he was stabbed by a goblin for an outstanding debt.”

“Blimey,” I interjected.

The woman glared. “Quite popular with long distance couples, as you can imagine.”

“How much?”

“75 galleons,” she said folding her arms. I could tell she didn’t think I had enough to pay and was unwilling to haggle.

“I’ll take it,” I said. Her eyebrows raised but said nothing as she turned to the antique register. It would clear out the rest of my pouch of gold, but I would figure things out again when summer came ‘round. As I was over 17, maybe I could tend bar at the Leaky Cauldron or in Hogsmeade.

She took my gold and counted each coin individually, holding some up to the light, even biting one between her teeth. Finally, she put the locket in a dark blue velvet pouch with a slip of paper. “The spell is inside, incase you forget.” For the first time she smiled and handed over the small token which I tucked into the breast pocket of my robe.

“Cheers,” I nodded at the woman before hurrying into the wind once again.

“There you are! What were you doing in there?” James asked curiously.

“Getting out of the cold!” I answered, pulling my scarf above my nose.

“Too right. Shall we go?”

I nodded and grabbed James’ arm, spinning on the spot and apparating us away from the crowd. Mr. Potter took me to the Ministry one of the first days of break and I passed the test with flying colors. He also gave me a black jacket made of dragonhide ( _ “To go with your bike,” he winked _ ) as a coming of age present. My 17th birthday was in November, but I told no one. Of course the Marauder’s knew, but they also knew I prefer not to celebrate. As a child, my birthday was a constant disappointment and some point along the way I learned to stop caring.

I brought us to the gates of Potter Manor. The various security protocols prevented anyone from directly apparating onto the property. We walked up the long stone drive and knocked heavily on thick doors. Fringey the house elf answered immediately and attempted to grab the parcels out of our hands. We handed over the smallest ones we could, knowing she was getting on in her years. Other families would have let her go, but the Potters always were extending their charity.

“We’re back!” James yelled. The house remained silent. He raised his eyebrows and wiggled them. “Mum’s not ‘round to be annoyed. Exploding snap?”

“Sure.”

***

_ Dear Lily,  _

_ Happy Christmas, love. I hope you are having an amazing day with your family. Over here we ripped open presents within an hour and then stuffed our faces with Mrs. Potter’s treacle tarts. I have a present for you, but I don’t want to send it through post. I’ll give it to you when you come for New Year’s Eve. Have I mentioned how excited I am to see you? _

_ To answer your question from the last post, the party is usually a formal affair. I wear dress robes (and look dashing, might I add) and so do most of the guests. It takes place in the ballroom, (yes, the Potters are so rich they have a ballroom). There will be loads of random people there that I find boring, but you’ll probably know who they are. _

_ Moony will start his potion that night. I’ve been following your instructions for storing it, and it all still looks perfectly blue and opaque. We’ll have to start brewing once we get back to Hogwarts again, but I think it’s helping me get better at potions. I’ll apparate to your place at six on Saturday to pick you up. I can’t wait. _

_ All my love, _

_ Sirius _

I froze before signing off, but figured ‘all my love’ was similar to the ‘love’ nickname I gave her; it wasn’t a declaration but noted my fondness. I stuck the letter to James’ waiting owl and watched it fly off into the night.

“Was that to Lily?” James asked, mouth full of tart. He currently had a ribbon tied around his head and made himself a cape of discarded wrapping paper.

“Yeah, setting up her pickup for Saturday.” 

James scowled. “Just because you’re a couple months older than me means you can apparate and I can’t.”

“That’s exactly what it means, Prongsy.” I said happily, helping myself to another steaming tart.

“Is she coming as your… date?” James asked once he swallowed.

I paused and carefully considered my answer. “I invited her and am bringing her… is that what you mean?”

Mrs. Potter saved me from James’ interrogation as she bustled into the living room.  “Are you two through with the tarts already? My word, you’re going to eat me out of house and home…” she trailed off and lifted the heavy silver platter.

“Let me help you.” I  jumped up and took the platter from her.

“Oh Sirius, what a dear you are.” Mrs. Potter side-hugged me and planted a kiss on my forehead. James made faces behind her back.

**Dear Sirius,**

**Wow, a ballroom and dress robes, this is shaping up to be quite the New Year’s Eve. Beats sitting at home with holiday crackers and pulling them at midnight. I’ve got you a holiday gift as well! Perhaps we can exchange them at my place before the party? Don’t want to put James out…**

**Our Christmas morning has been… interesting. Normally it’s pretty calm, but Petunia decided to bring her beau Vernon to meet the family. He’s a fat man with a patchy mustache and a short temper. Petunia has solved the “Lily is a witch” problem by telling Vernon I attend a reform school for disturbed girls. He’s been talking to me as if I have the mental capacity of a four year old and the temperament of a firecrab. I’ve been having a bit of fun with it and have started making eye contact with the wall over his left shoulder and having fake conversations, pretending someone is behind him (I blame the Marauder influence). After I thoroughly scared him off, Petunia stormed out and screamed she wished I was never born. Holidays, what a pleasant family affair.**

**I could fill rolls and rolls of parchment with how much I miss you, especially when I wanted to run away today, but I’ll write it concisely: I miss you, Sirius Black. I cannot wait until Saturday.**

**All yours,**

**Lily**

***

I spent much more time getting reading on Saturday than usual. I used magic to tie and re-tie my bowtie upwards of a dozen times and borrowed a bottle of Mr. Potter’s Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion to tame my usually untouched shoulder-length hair. The results were dapper, at least I hoped. I made sure to have Lily’s gift in my pocket before yelling out the hallway, “GOING TO GET LILY!” I ran down the stairs and through the yard until I crossed the property boundary and was able to apparate. 

I landed on Lily’s doorstep, thinking it rude to appear in someone’s house out of thin air, and knocked. Mrs. Evans threw open the door and enveloped me in a hug. “Oh, Sirius! How good to see you again! You look so handsome!”

“Thank you Mrs. Evans,” I said modestly, coloring around my collar.

“Oh come in, out of the awful snow.” Mrs. Evan’s pulled me in and the house looked just as I remembered it, with the addition of Christmas decorations. A tinsel-laden tree stood in the corner of the living room and garland draped each ledge. “Lily will just be a moment, she was putting on her shoes when you got here. I’m so excited…”

Mrs. Evans’ voice faded as I saw Lily emerge at the top of the stairs. She was in a green satin dress that clung to her body and reached up toward her neck. Slim straps wrapped around her and disappeared, leaving her shoulders bare, although her arms were covered with tall black gloves over her elbows. When she reached down to lift her hem, I saw black pointed heels and her curled hair slipped over her shoulder and spilled in front of her face like a curtain of soft embers. Once she reached the ground, I could see majority of her back was bare as the thin straps crossed and dipped toward the middle of her gown.

My mouth was dry. I forgot my name. I forgot where we were. “Wow,” is all I could manage.

“Darling you look beautiful!” Mrs. Evans gushed.

“Don’t you look dapper,” Lily nodded to me.

I forced myself to form words. “You look incredible. Absolutely amazing.” Lily blushed and I realized she had dark makeup smudged around her eyes. Paired with the green dress, her irises were practically glowing. I stepped forward and pulled her in for a hug. I heard a snap.

“Just a Polaroid!” Her mother exclaimed, shaking a small white square.

“A picture that doesn’t move,” Lily explained. “Can you take a proper one where we’re actually looking, mum?”

“I’d love it. Look here!” I stared at a strange black box and another  _ snap _ issued followed by a blinding light.

“Can I give you your present?” Lily asked excitedly.

“Absolutely.”

“Yay,” she said before running (as much as she could in heels and a tight dress) to the kitchen before she returned with a Quidditch Emporium bag. “I didn’t wrap it, but I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“Not at all.” I reached in and pulled out two small black half circles that I recognized from James’ Quidditch Quarterly. “Are these the Flannagan Snap Backs?”

“Yes!” Lily cried. “I’m so glad you recognized them, because it doesn’t look like much.”

“What is a Flannagan Snap Back?” Mrs. Evans asked.

“When I go to play quidditch, I stick one of these on my broom, and one on my trainer. If I fall off, my broom will scoop me up. Bit like a… magnet?” I tried to remember the proper term from muggle studies. “I won’t hit the ground, which is prefered, as you can imagine.”

“I should say so!”

“These just came out this season! Thank you, Lily. It’s perfect.” James would be horribly jealous; I couldn’t wait to see his face when I jumped off my broom and it zoomed by to pick me up.

Lily was beaming. “I’m so glad.”

I reached in my pocket to pull out the blue velvet pouch and her face became more serious. Lily pulled the drawstring and stuck her hand inside, revealing the locket. Her breath caught. “Sirius… this is beautiful.”

Mrs. Evans snuck behind Lily to look over her shoulder. “What good taste!”

“It’s a magical necklace. The spell is inside. If you say it, the locket opens and it will show you me hopefully, wherever I am and whatever I’m doing.” Lily’s mom took several gentle steps backwards to leave the two of us alone in the living room.

“Why hopefully?” Lily whispered, running her thumb over the emeralds encrusting the lid.

“Well the spell shows you the person closest to your heart… I hope that’s me.”

Lily stepped impossibly closer. “It is.” I could feel her warm breath on my face. I kissed her gently, chastely, but full of meaning. “Can you help me put it on?”

I reached behind her and clasped the chain shut. The pendant hung over the neckline of her dress, which accentuated the emeralds in it perfectly. “Should I give the spell a go?” My throat was thick but I nodded.

“ _ Alohamora corintima,”  _ Lily read off the paper with her wand pointed at her throat. A small  _ click _ and the locket opened, showing my face staring adoringly up at her. “It works!”

“Thank Merlin,” I added.

“Thank you, darling. This is beautiful and I love it.” Lily reached up and kissed me again, only pulling herself away when Mrs. Evans coughed in the doorway.

“What a lovely gift,” Mrs. Evans said.

I nodded in recognition and colored at the compliment (and from embarrassment at her walking in on us snogging). “Shall we get Alice?”

“Yes!” Lily said suddenly, as if just remembering where we were going for the evening. Lily opened her small black purse and put the gift’s pouch inside. “Let’s. Goodbye mum!”

“See you next year!” Mrs. Evans said good-naturedly while hugging her daughter and pulling me to participate as well.

We spun on the spot and disappeared.


	13. Once Defeated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I get in touch with my inner Black when Lily is threatened.

**Winter Break of Sixth Year**

The Christmas decorations at Potter Manor were greater than any year I remember. Lily turned her head around constantly, pointing out details to Alice, who was linked to her arm. I trailed behind the pair like a fond chaperone and enjoyed watching the back of Lily’s dress swish back and forth. 

I opened the doors to the ballroom for Lily and Alice and soaked in their astonishment. The ceiling had huge snowflakes, approximately three feet in diameter, hovering in midair and slowly rotating to show the sparkle of its crystals. Silver platters with flutes of champagne and appetizers glided around the room without waiters and in the center was a twenty foot tall christmas tree, decked from base to top in large white, silver and red holiday bulbs.

I felt someone step on the hem of my robes and James awkwardly stumbled in front of the pair. “Welcometomyhouse, Lily.” Unfortunately James forgot to breathe in between his words so the phrase came out incomprehensible.

“Come again?”

“Er, welcome to my house.” James’ cheeks were red and he itched at his neck. His eyes obviously panned Lily up and down, to which she crossed her gloved arms as a response.

“Thank you, it’s gorgeous!” Alice squealed. Lily nodded in agreement, not giving him the satisfaction of gushing over the decorations. I would feel badly for James if he wasn’t trying to woo my girlfriend.

James stood awkwardly, not quite knowing how to carry on the conversation. So he ended up bowing, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from the girls. “Smooth,” I chortle as soon as we are out of hearing distance.

“Oy, I saw her and was just… she looks so bloody beautiful. S’not my fault I couldn’t focus.”

I empathized. “Right, well I invited Lily, so it’s a bit rude for me to abandon her and Alice at a house they’ve never been to without introducing them ‘round.”

James’ eyes rounded like saucers. “Go! Go!” He shoved me back in the direction I came and I rolled my eyes.

I caught up to Alice and Lily easily and offered a hand to each of them. Alice giggled while Lily smiled gratefully for including her friend. “Shall I introduce you to some of the regulars?”

We first approached Mr. and Mrs. Potter, who doted over the Gryffindor girls. To their credit, they did not mention James’ constant discussions of Lily for the last six years, which I’m sure he would be grateful for. Then there were some of Mr. and Mrs. Potter’s friends that turned up for dinner time to time. Their friends were an odd array of people. As Mr. Potter was an inventor, he attracted strange witches and wizards. One man wore a lavender set of dress robes and a hat with an enchanted mouse running around its brim. His companion’s dress was a bright orange triangle, and they giggled together about being the cheese to each other’s mouse. Mrs. Potter’s Department of Mysteries co-workers were always silent and usually dressed in black (gray if they were feeling particularly festive).

“I’m going to get a drink,” Alice announced after shaking fifteen or so hands. She started chasing one of the floating trays.

“This is amazing,” Lily admitted. My heart caught in my throat when she smiled up at me, eyes dancing in her darkly lined lids.

“It is with you here.”

Lily reached up as if to kiss me, then set herself back down on her heels with a frown. “We can’t kiss in front of James. What’ll we do at midnight?”

I already thought of this conundrum. “At 11:50, we’ll meet by the tree and I’ll take us someplace else. There’s a balcony from one of the third floor bedrooms that overlooks the nearby town; there are always fireworks.”

“You think of everything, don’t you?”

“To snog you? In that dress? Absolutely.”

Lily blushed. “You really like it?”

“You’re the most lovely woman I’ve ever seen.” Our eyes connected and I could feel a palpable charge of desire pass between the two of us. Even though I doubted Lily was ready to take the next step in our relationship, I knew I was in that moment. She could take my virginity, my heart, whatever the hell she wanted.

“I got you both drinks!” Alice cheered, stepping between us. I relinquished my grip on Lily to accept a goblet from Alice. I took a swig without looking and nearly choked on the burning liquid.

“Ugh, firewhiskey?” Lily said, pulling her gloved hand to her mouth.

“It’s New Year’s Eve,” Alice shrugged. “I’d like to have a bit of a buzz going into the new year, thank you very much.” Lily laughed, but didn’t take another sip.

“Evening Lily, Alice.” Remus appeared in his second-hand dress robes; they were slightly dulled and shabby, but Fringey managed to mend them to respectability.

“Good to see you, Remus,” Lily said genuinely.

“You look great,” Alice blurted out. Lily raised her eyebrows at me and I understood the message quite clearly: Alice fancied Remus. Merlin, about time someone did, he was the most decent out of the four of us.

“You both look wonderful. I’m glad to have some new people to talk to our age.”

“Oy!” I called out.

“You and James always run around trying to create the perfect New Year’s prank just to be thwarted by his parents every year. Peter eats all night and I always end up stuck next to some old relative.”

“Not true!”

Alice laughed quite loudly at my outrage and Lily subtly stepped away from the two. “Let’s dance. Remus, can I trust you with my best friend?”

Remus was surprised. “Oh. Uh-”

“Of course, Remus is the best of us.” I clapped him hard on the back before taking Lily’s gloved hand and kissing it. “May I have this dance?”

“You may.”

I led Lily to the crowded dance floor and easily slipped a hand on her back and clasped her other between my fingers. I started leading in a traditional waltz and Lily looked at me incredulously. “How do you know how to properly dance?”

“Lots of awful family functions throughout the years.” Which at the moment, I was glad for. All the suffering at my parent’s hands was worth it to spend this evening with Lily. At the end of the song, I bowed to her and switched partners with Remus. Alice was a nice girl, but seemed immature for her age. She giggled and accidentally stepped on my toes several times throughout one number, I was thrilled to get Lily back after the band finished.

We danced until Lily complained about her sore feet and then left the floor to find food and drink. We sat at one of the tables around the outskirts of the room with a large plate full of delicious looking hors d’oeuvres to share when James sat down on Lily’s opposite side.

“Having a good time?” He said smiling, but it was wrong. His grin was tense and fake.

“I am,” Lily said, looking at me with a much too comfortable grin.

“Care for a dance?” James asked aggressively.

“Can’t, my feet are killing me. We just got off the floor.” Lily selected one of the small pies and started eating, oblivious to the glare James was shooting me over her head. He was mad, furious even. I’m guessing his idea of this evening involved me bringing Lily and then leaving her with him all evening. We were nearly at a breaking point; now that James knew about our friendship it was becoming increasingly impossible to hide our relationship.

“Can I talk to you, Lily? Alone?” James asked. Lily could sense something was wrong in his tone and looked at his expression, her grin falling.

“Well, I would appreciate some time to eat,” Lily said pointedly.

“I’ll come back.” James got up and skulked off.

“Was that a threat or a promise?” Lily said distastefully.

“Both,” I muttered. My appetite was now gone and I let Lily have her pick of the piled treats.

After a few minutes Lily stopped eating and turned to me. “What’s wrong with James?”

“I’m assuming he’s been watching us dance and have a good time and is starting to put two and two together. We’re not the most subtle,” I pointed out.

Lily sighed. “I can’t help it. I fancy you! You’re my boyfriend! I want to be able to hold your hand and kiss you when I feel like it!”

“I know, love. It might be time to come clean.”

James stalked toward our table and stood next to Lily. “Please Lily, I want to talk. Just talk.”

I nodded to Lily and she stood up, righting her dress skirts before speaking to him. “I understand. I’ll see you at 11:50.” Lily said to me before declining James’ held out arm and walking out of the hall. James clenched his fist for a moment and then followed her.

I muttered a curse word under my breath and prayed to whatever higher power there was that James didn’t ruin Lily’s evening. It was fine if he wanted to pick a fight with me, but punishing Lily for not fancying him was unfair.

I found a tray with goblets of firewhiskey and grabbed two, downing them in two gulps. The familiar liquid burned, but my throat was coated from my earlier drink. My body buzzed pleasantly warm and I enjoyed the comfort that flooded through my limbs.

“Where’s Lily?” Remus asked, approaching my solo form.

“James asked to talk to her.”

Remus looked at me carefully. “About?”

“Not sure. He’s angry though.”

“You two are brothers, it’ll pass.”

“Dunno about that, Moony.” I tried to change the subject to distract me. “Alice fancies you I reckon.”

Remus blushed, but looked down at the ground and twisted his hands instead of looking excited. “You know I can’t have a girlfriend.”

“Why the hell not? You deserve happiness too, you know. You’re a great bloke.”

At that moment, Alice spotted him and made her way over to us. “There you are! Care to dance? I know we’ve turned about a bit, but I love this song.”

Despite his melancholy mood moments before, Remus perked up at Alice’s proposal and accompanied her to the dance floor.  

The large ornamental clock in the hall read 11:50, and I scoured the room for Lily’s green dress or red hair. Her and James had been talking for nearly quarter of an hour at this point, and maybe I needed to intervene. I made to exit the northern door when all hell broke loose.

Cracks in the air popped incessantly as black robes appeared in the center of the room. A loud voice vibrated in my bones and thundered around us spectators.  _ “All guests must enter the ballroom… You are surrounded...You will not leave...” _

Upon hearing this, one older wizard attempted to spin on the spot, but screamed in agony as he finished his rotation with a bleeding hand, and it looked like a missing finger; a new, violent apparition barrier must have been cast. 

Guests filed into the ballroom, clinging to the outer walls and giving the dark cloaks in the center a wide berth. I had to keep myself from rushing over to Lily when she entered the south entrance with James. Our eyes connected and I saw her slowly start to walk along the outskirt of the room towards me, I subtly shook my head and she retreated to James’ side. If Regulus was under one of those cloaks and Lily was next to me, she might get caught in the crossfire.

Once the doorways were empty, the man in the center flicked his wand and all the doors locked with a deep click. “So sorry to intrude on these happy festivities…” the man pulled down his hood and my jaw clenched; it was Voldemort. His skin was pale and while his figure held traces of being handsome once, they were distorted like his face was made of wax and left outside in the boiling sun. His nose was flatter than any I had seen, and his eyes pulled tightly against his skin. He was unnervingly without eyebrows, but still had dark hair coffed back to reveal a stark widow’s peak.

“I became aware so many excellent, pure witches and wizards would all be in one room and needed to seize the opportunity.” His mouth curled into an unnaturally thin, wide grin.

“You’re not welcome here,” Mr. Potter said, stepping forward into the circle.

Voldemort’s grin stayed in place, although his eyes narrowed further. “I am sorry to hear that.  _ Crucio _ .” He cast the unforgivable curse casually, like a mother muttering a simple dusting spell. The elderly Mr. Potter crumpled on the ground and clutched himself as he convulsed in agony. I took several steps forward, as did multiple people in the room, but Voldemort released him and put up his hand. “Now, this is not meant to be a damper on the festivities, but add to your celebrations. If I can move forward without further interruption, my followers and I will be gone before midnight.”

No one spoke. Mr. Potter righted himself slowly, and stepped back to his place where Mrs. Potter clutched him steadfastly. My eyes flickered to James, and I saw he had a rarely murderous look in his eye, but Lily stood behind him gently tugging his elbow.

The dark hooded figures spaced themselves in a circle acting as a barricade between us and Voldemort.  “As I’m sure you have heard, a new reign is coming. It’s time for us to stop hiding in the shadows, and take our rightful place as the rulers of this world. Magical blood is the most precious substance on this earth, and I have no desire to waste any of that blood. I’m offering you a place on the right side, from the beginning. We will guarantee the safety of your family, and you will get to shape our new lives. You will learn magic beyond your wildest dreams…”

I felt bile rising in my mouth. This was a sugar coating on all the pure blood shit my parents spewed their entire life, sans the disparaging epithets. No one moved.

“Are you saying there’ll be a war?” A thick middle-age man blurted out. His face was sanguine and wisps of gray hair danced by his ears.

Voldemort turned to him and the man flinched. “I foresee a struggle from those who are weak of mind and nobility, yes. Join now, and your efforts may prevent shedding magical blood.”

“What about muggle blood?” A female voice shouted from the opposite side of the room. I craned my neck to see who spoke up, but the thick man in front of my section blocked my view.

“Muggles should be serving us,” Voldemort hissed; all invitation in his voice was gone. “Their blood is of no concern to me, nor should it be to you.”

“My parents are muggle!”

My heart dropped into my toes; I would know that voice anywhere. Sure enough, as I pivoted to my left, I saw Lily at the front of her section, crossing her arms and glaring at the most powerful evil wizard the world had seen. James pushed his way through their section and came next to Lily, panic flooding his movements.

“Ah yes, you must be Lily Evans, top of your year at Hogwarts and born to muggle parents. I know all about you.” He stepped closer to Lily like an animal stalking prey. “Your talents are significant, and your… parents… would be granted safety upon your pledge of allegiance to our cause.” I started moving as minutely as I could to the left, and my hand clutched the handle of my wand in my robes. I saw James’ hand twitch towards his robes as well.

“I would rather die than join a group of bullies like you.”

A beat of silence where I pictured Lily dead in her green dress. A beat of silence where I pictured the nearest cronie pulling down their hood to show a cruelly changed Regulus. A beat of silence where I stopped breathing. A beat of silence that convinced me I am not worth this danger in Lily’s life. A beat of silence where I vowed to protect Lily from myself, from this world, from this monster, as long as she lives.

“Cruc-”

“ _ STUPEFY _ !” James stood in front of Lily, wand pointed directly at Voldemort’s chest.

Voldemort slowly looked down where the beam of light entered his chest. And then, he raised a single finger and whispered one word: “Go.”

Curses started flying around the hall. I look at the large clock to see three minutes until midnight. I assumed the cursed apparition barrier will dissipate then, but three minutes in a duel is a long time. A bit of the wall crumbles behind me, and I pull my wand out, rushing over to where Lily and James stood.

I’m stopped by a short, stocky bloke with a scarred face. His grin reveals a missing tooth. “You’re that Black boy, the Gryffindor one.”

“ _ Incarcerous _ !” I shouted. Ropes sprung from the tip of my wand and binded the idiot tightly. He hopped a few times and clattered to the floor, wand rolling away. I lifted my foot and stepped on his nose. He howled through the blood that started free-flowing. A dueling pair to my right had poor aim and the arm of my robes singed with their displaced curse.

I spotted Lily dueling a black haired female as James’ back is nearly pressed against hers in an attempt to fight two wizards at once.

“ _ Locomotor mortis _ !” I call, locking the legs of James’ nearest assailant. The distraction makes the hooded figure turn around and James is able to stun him.

“Thanks!” James calls before returning to the remaining drone.

I run behind James to be at Lily’s side. I recognize her opposition immediately. “Bellatrix.”

The black haired witch stops her attack and turns to me. “Cousin Sirius, how good to see you.”

“Can’t say the same,” I spit out.

There’s a madness behind Bellatrix’s eyes that used to lay dormant, twinkling only when she did something particularly cruel as a child. I remember when she killed her family’s cat and then took a knife to the stomach to see what was inside. I found her, covered in blood, grinning like she was right now. “Aw, is Sirius sad his mummy doesn’t wuv him anymore?”

I laugh humorlessly. “That old bat? I’m all set.”

Bellatrix and I started to circle each other, the fight with Lily forgotten. I eyed the clock: one more minute. “Why do you care if I play with the little redhead?” Bellatrix pouted.

I casted a non-verbal stinging hex at her, but she armed herself with a shield charm that my hex bounces off of. She’s quicker than she was as a child; I assume Voldemort’s training has helped her. “Leave her alone.” I send a body-binding curse, she dodged it again.

Bellatrix stopped, her mocking grin widening to reveal her overly present teeth. “Oh, OH. Cousin Sirius wuvs a mudblood!”

My face burned hot. “ _ STUPEFY _ !” I scream and Bellatrix’s shield blocks me again.

Bellatrix turns around and before I can react, giggles, “ _ Sectumsempra _ ,” at Lily.

A slash appeared across Lily’s abdomen and her green silk dress immediately stains with red. Lily looked surprised before dropping to her knees.

“NO!” I yell. Although I’ve spent most of my life trying to distance myself from the Blacks and their dark magic, fury floods through my veins white hot, more intense and terrifying than anything I’ve ever felt. “ _ CRUCIO! _ ” I shout, pointing my wand at Bellatrix. I know I mean it because this curse hits my mark finally, and Bellatrix withers and collapses on the ground, twitching.

James defeated his attacker and turned to take in the sight behind him, with a slash across his cheek. His eyes widened at Lily’s collapsed. James dropped to the ground immediately, grabbing Lily under her arms and leaning her back on his lap.

Bellatrix popped back up again, and with Lily being seen to, I straighten. I’ve never had the desire to kill someone before, but the unbridled rage coursed through my veins like an ancient war drum. As I raise my wand again, a large gong sounds signalling the start of the new year, and perhaps the start of a new war.

Voldemort and his followers disappear one-by-one in black clouds of smoke. “Looks like you’ve got a bit of Black still in you,” Bellatrix said lowly with a twisted grin before she apparated.

I shook my head to clear my red vision and fell next to James and Lily. James pressed his hand against Lily’s bleeding wound and was already covered in her blood. I ran my hand over her forehead and stroked her hair. “Love, you need to keep your eyes open.”

Lily’s eyes opened weakly. “...Sirius…”

“James, go get your mum.” I said discretely and he nodded, white-faced. I moved gently to his position and cradled Lily’s head.

“Will you tell my parents that I love them?” Lily said with her eyes closed.

My throat was swollen. “You better quit that. You can tell them that when we’ve healed you up.” I took my wand out and my hand shook. I was going to perform a simple clotting spell, but I was too afraid to do magic while this emotional--what if I hurt her further?

James returned with his mother and Mrs. Potter assessed the pool of blood accumulating on the marble floor. “Accio dittany.” She flourished her wand and a small bottle zoomed through an open door into her hand. Mrs. Potter used an eye dropper to cover the wound.

Slowly, agonizingly, the wound started knitting itself together, but Lily moaned in pain with each drop. “I know, I know,” I whispered over and over again, both of her hands locked in mine. She turned her head to the side at one point and bit my jacket lapel to keep from calling out. I bent down and kissed her forehead. “You’re going to be okay, I know it hurts right now, but you’re going to be fine.”

James watched the entire scene standing to the side, eyes a million miles away. “How’s dad?” he asked once his mom stopped dabbing at Lily’s stomach. Lily’s eyes shut again and her body relaxed.

“Oh he’s fine, bit shaken up. No damage. Why don’t you get a room on this floor ready for her? I’m going to move her with Sirius in a few moments.”

James left and I couldn’t bring myself to think or feel anything that was separate from Lily’s well-being. “What else do we need to do?” I asked urgently.

“Let the Essence of Dittany do its work, and once I’ve attended to all the guests I’ll brew a potion for internal wounds… might need a few actually. She needs rest and I don’t want to move her far. We’ll have to send an owl to her parents…”

“No, I’ll go see them. I know her mum will be sick with worry if no one explains everything.”

“You love her.” Mrs. Potter was practically my mother. She knew me for the past six years and due to the observational nature of her job, she had an easier time reading people than anyone I’d ever met.

“Yes,” I whispered, my eyes welling up.

“Well, you’ll be able to look after her once you get back. Take James with you, I don’t want you out alone tonight.” I nodded, a few tears slipping out my eyes. I tried to blink, but it was no use.

“Lily, we’re going to move you, love.”

“I’m going to levitate her, but I want you to hold her head to keep it in line.” Mrs. Potter took off her deep purple outer robe revealing the floor length lilac frock underneath. She also waived her wand at her hair so the rebel strands flew back into her bun. Next, she pointed at Lily’s body and I stepped into position. Her body floated three feet off the ground and I gently placed one hand under her head and the other in the middle of her back, where just an hour ago it was resting on the dance floor...

James returned. “The room with the lion painting is ready.”

“Good James, why don’t you guide Lily on the other side.” James mirrored my stance and looked wistfully down at Lily’s empty pale face.

We stepped slowly to the room and only stopped when Lily reached the fluffy bed. Mrs. Potter put an extra pillow under Lily’s head and turned to us. “There are going to be a lot of shocked people. I’m guessing most are going to want to leave immediately, get home to their families and loved ones, but there may be injured people who need to stay. Fringey!” The elderly house elf appeared. “Fringey, I’m so sorry but we need to ready each guest room. I’m not sure how many people will need shelter tonight.”

“Of course, Missus Potter! Fringey will go at once!” The small elf disappeared again.

“Right, you two go to Lily’s house and then come straight home.” Mrs. Potter’s matter-of-fact tone became stern.

I saw the familiar wavy blond hair pass by the door and called out. “Moony!” He stopped short and turned into the doorframe.

“Is Lily okay?” He said, obviously stressed.

“She will be. Did you see Alice during the fray?” James asked.

“She was near me…” He trailed off, searching through his memory to recall her exact location.

“Can you find her and get her home? Tell her Lily is all right?” James begged.

Remus snapped to attention and I half expected him to salute James. “Right, no problem.”

“Good, we’re going to Lily’s?” James asked me.

“Yeah, I don’t want her mum to worry. I think a letter will make her feel helpless.”

James nodded. “How’re we gunna get there?”

“I’ll apparate us,” I said slowly, not understanding his hang up.

“You remember her house well enough from this evening?” James said skeptically.

“I’ve got it, James.” I said defensively and finally.

“Well I don’t want to end up splinched because you half remember what her house looks like in the dark!” James said sternly.

I took a deep breath. “I’ve been there before tonight. I know what it looks like. Cummon.” I started walking through the halls to exit the house and outside the re-charmed apparition barrier.

“You’ve been there!?” James nearly shrieked, easily keeping up with me as he moved his lanky legs. I knew this could unravel into a bigger conversation and argument, but now was not the time.  

“I was there this summer. Can we not right now? Lily’s barely alive and you’re worried about why I know where her house is?” I snapped.

“Just wondering what else my best friend hasn’t told me,” James muttered.

I glared at him and gripped his arm much tighter than necessary before apparating us to reappear on Lily’s threshold.

At first I thought I made a mistake and that James was right; I didn’t accurately remember Lily’s house. Or maybe I was too emotional, too concerned with Lily’s welfare that it pulled my apparition off course. Because this dark house with the door pulled off the hinges and hovering dark clouds wasn’t Lily’s...

Then I realized those weren’t dark clouds. That was the Dark Mark. 


End file.
